This is going to be last blog from the discomfort of Tennessee, so it might end up being a doozy, or it might end up being nothing of any importance at all. I guess it all depends on how you take it, or how far you read, either way it's all up to you.
There as been an on going battle of self worth with myself here, and it's been going on for years, as long as I can remember as a matter of fact. I've never really been a mentally sound person, I've gone to war with myself more than once, and have lost more than once to my own personal demons. I've caved to the pressures of friends and what I thought would be okay. I suppose people really do lead by example, and following those people got me into a lot of shit that haunts me to this day. So I've decided to sign a contract of peace with myself, to not bow down to those demons that have made me the cold-hearted person that I've striven to be for so long. In the fine print of this contract I've made rules to satisfy myself in healthy ways, in creative ways, and not bloody self-destructive ways. I've added in christian elements to keep my head on my shoulders and to treat people well no matter how big it makes me feel to treat them badly. I don't want to come with a warning label of "she'll say mean shit to you.". I want to step out of the shadow that people have thrown me under, the shadow of everyone else, that tried so hard to be a friend and forgot the most important part of being a friend... which is plan and simple... talking for other reasons than you just need something. There is a world outside of a bar, outside of a pipe, outside of a pool table and karaoke. That's the world I want to be apart of, the world where friends get together and bullshit and talk about important things and not just what happened at the pub last night. Or how much it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back, or how guilty you feel for cheating on your boy/girlfriend but it just had to be done for whatever reason. I don't mean to be on a soapbox or sound like I'm any better than you or you friends, because I'm not, I have no box of soap and we all know I've done my fair share of cheating. But I have come to a point in my life where I want to grow up and be a good person, because if I don't do it now, I fear I never will.
Packing up all of this stuff yet again and moving far away isn't going to be the answer to all of my problems or any of them, but it feels so empowering to be shadow stepping. There is a list of things a mile long that I want to do now, and there isn't any fear to stop me. There aren't going to be people that I know standing there to judge me and talk behind my back. I'm gonna try to start writing again, I already have a little bit, it's not wonderful and it probably really sucks but I'm proud that I even wrote it. I plan on painting again, a lot, taking pictures, and maybe just maybe talking Billy and whoever else into giving me a shot to be the front girl I've always dreamed of being. I've prepared myself for the answer of "no" or "you're not good enough" and that's fine, but I feel like I can actually try it now, without looking across the room and seeing the person with the actual talent rolling his eyes. Which by the way the actual talent seemed to be nothing but a flashy show of copy and paste. Zero respect for that.
I'm trying my hardest not to call people out on what I believe are huge mistakes in their lives, but I'm going to listen to that angel sitting on my shoulder and remember that I'm no better than them, and that I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. I know I've stated over and over again that there is a new Jess on the up-rise but I've never actually put her in the game, well moving to a new place where only one person -really- knows me seems like the best chance to put old Jess on the bench and bring new Jess out for a few seasons.
For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm going to be close to having a full family. Moving there and being a family with Billy and his is something I'm really looking forward to. Corey is already like a little brother to me, and this time I actually get to be a part of the family. Maybe not by blood (but hell I've never had that anyway) and not legally (yet xD) but still. I hope I can be a good "sister-in-law" to him, and he knows that he can come to billy and I for any reason day and night. I'm excited about getting to know the people Billy has called his "brothers" for so long, and I hope they embrace me the way that they've embraced him.
There are a lot of hopes and dreams that I have for the future, and they've never looked brighter. I'm not scared for Billy and I's relationship, we've worked very hard on so many things, and this is just going to make us stronger so no fear there. Thank God.
-J-
Friday, July 2, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
"You, can't handle the truth"
The woods fly by my face as if I'm standing still and they are the things moving. I keep looking for those two eyes standing out hidden in the trunks and the brush holding a bottle of wine with the year 2000 dripping of my bloods innocence. He's the one that haunts my dreams, the one that snuck me in the door, the one that handed me, my own guilt in a glass and filled his with the last breath of humanity i had. He smiled and said words that made me think i was queen of the world, and always would be, said the words... all the words. But his actions screamed differently, they turned my white cloak into black, they turned my fearless smile into a fearful smile. I was made to be the filthy one, in the wrong, the one who should have known better. The one left crying and screaming at her home. He grew wings, changed his name and face the next day in his own place. He still stands with a mouse trap in his two hands to attack and break down, the next innocent girl's smile into a real heart wrenching frown. When I stare into the woods flying by now, my fear of the man with the red shirt is in the back of my mind, the man with the mouse trap, the camera, and the wine... he's the one that keeps me awake at night. He's the one that turned me into such the sad clown.
I wrote this via text to myself on the longest car ride I've had to date. It was like... I spent the last few days in a dream where I could be myself and leave things behind. Where I wasn't in someone's shadow, where I had my own shadow, and thoughts and opinions and people they listened. And I had to drive back to this hell, where I'm always in someone's shadow, always being watched, never valued, never independent, and -never- free of my past. We're going to make the best of it, as long as we have to, but i promise you, I'll shadow step, and you won't know exactly what hit you. Because, this place has stolen enough life, breathe and enough soul from me, and I want it back. So fuck you Murfreesboro TN, first chance we get... we're out. There won't be any goodbyes or parties because none of you really care enough to send a simple "how the hell are ya?" text so you won't care where we go. Just know, one day, when you need me or billy the most (often like we've needed you) we won't be there (often like how you weren't for us).
-j-
I wrote this via text to myself on the longest car ride I've had to date. It was like... I spent the last few days in a dream where I could be myself and leave things behind. Where I wasn't in someone's shadow, where I had my own shadow, and thoughts and opinions and people they listened. And I had to drive back to this hell, where I'm always in someone's shadow, always being watched, never valued, never independent, and -never- free of my past. We're going to make the best of it, as long as we have to, but i promise you, I'll shadow step, and you won't know exactly what hit you. Because, this place has stolen enough life, breathe and enough soul from me, and I want it back. So fuck you Murfreesboro TN, first chance we get... we're out. There won't be any goodbyes or parties because none of you really care enough to send a simple "how the hell are ya?" text so you won't care where we go. Just know, one day, when you need me or billy the most (often like we've needed you) we won't be there (often like how you weren't for us).
-j-
Friday, June 11, 2010
"luke i am your father"
when you're told things about yourself from someone that doesn't even know you, it hurts more than you ever expected. when the path to loosing respect for someone is clear and paved you walk down it just too see how long the road to zero respect is. when you thought you'd reached the end of the road, you realize you just were looking at the top of the hill, on the other side there is more road. it's one thing when you're told something by someone who -could- have been a part of your life. it's another thing when someone who -is- a major part of your life is told by someone major in -their- life it makes you angry. it makes you want to yell and scream and shake them and ask them if they only fucking knew what they were doing. too selfish to have kids, some of that maybe true (i often am a selfish little bitch) but at least i know that and didn't wait til i had a kid to fucking realize it.
we're not the selfish ones, cause if we -did- have kids we would give them more than we had for ourselves, because when you have kids you want to give them the life you never had. not have the life you want and fucking bail.
-J-
we're not the selfish ones, cause if we -did- have kids we would give them more than we had for ourselves, because when you have kids you want to give them the life you never had. not have the life you want and fucking bail.
-J-
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
"Do you happen to have six fingers on your right hand"
there is a point in time where you sit back and think to yourself... something has to change, something has to give to pave the way for happiness. I am currently putting my happiness on hold for good reasons, 1) i need a job, period. 2) you don't always get what you want (but if you try sometimes you might just find you get what you need) 3) i'm not entirely too sure what makes me through and though happy. I know aspects of my life that make me happy, billy and whatnot, but not totally.
I'm starting to wonder if i'm just one of those people who won't ever just be happy with her life. I wonder if i'll always make some reason not to do something because i don't know if it'll make me happy. That's why i haven't gone to college, i don't want to go and invest 4 or 5 years into something, get out there in the work force and fucking hate it. who wants that? i don't really even want the American dream, cause it seems that everyone who has the American dream ends up hating life and killing themselves (literally or metaphorically). So I've been thinking a lot about change, and how I can change my life to be a happier person in general. So far to change, you have to take a step into the unknown, i've never really been good about the unknown, as far as life goes. I've taken the steps into the unknown for personal bullshit i want to party and have a good time no matter who I hurt along the way, and that is not who i want to be. That person that looked back at me in the mirror for so many years is starting to fade away, and grow into someone that isn't a total bad human. I hope. college, moving, marriage, babies, love, jobs, hobbies, everything is now in question for "how can i improve this so i'm not such a horrible person.?". So far, I have no idea.
I've found myself obsessing over things that i know is never going to change because it hasn't yet, i've been kicking myself and putting myself down because i didn't understand why these people do what they do and did what they did, and hid it, and lied and everything else. finally i just broke down and accepted the fact that people are selfish. relationships are hard. life is -hard-, everyone has a hard time with something or someone, or a habbit, or whatever.
at the end of the day, i just want to come home to loving arms, be held and told that i'm not always such a bad person, that there is -something- good about my soul. at the end of the day, i want to be held, and kissed, and hugged, adored, and i want someone to want me as much as i want them. i'm pretty damn close to that, so fucking it up is not and option. it never should have been.
-j-
i wish billy was home, this is my only chance at a day off for this week and i'm bored and alone with the cats and a dog, who thought it would be awesome to piss in the floor as i was on my way to get his leash to take him out this morning. no work today, the water-mane close to work is busted, so we're on call until 7, if we don't hear from them by 7 we're off for the night, paid of course, but we loose our one day off this week friday. so if we go back to work tonight i will work... sun, mon, tues, wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, wed... and hopefully not thurs, or fri. but with that place i might as well just have no plans for any sort of life.I just want to have some control over my life, i don't at all. i work when they tell me to, i go where i'm told, i sleep when he's sleepy, i spend my time to myself wondering when i'll get to be in control of some part of my life. i mean, i suppose i do have control over somethings, but right now it seems as if i'm a puppet and everyone is screaming "dance".
you know that American dream i was talking about... how i don't want a part of it? nothing has changed, but i wonder how long the people who have had their American dream have been puppets and danced for their few years of bliss and happiness? Maybe i have this all wrong in general, maybe no one has gotten the American dream and just say they do because it makes them feel better. Or maybe the American dream is just that, a dream that Americans have because they hate life too.
I can't think.
-j-
I'm starting to wonder if i'm just one of those people who won't ever just be happy with her life. I wonder if i'll always make some reason not to do something because i don't know if it'll make me happy. That's why i haven't gone to college, i don't want to go and invest 4 or 5 years into something, get out there in the work force and fucking hate it. who wants that? i don't really even want the American dream, cause it seems that everyone who has the American dream ends up hating life and killing themselves (literally or metaphorically). So I've been thinking a lot about change, and how I can change my life to be a happier person in general. So far to change, you have to take a step into the unknown, i've never really been good about the unknown, as far as life goes. I've taken the steps into the unknown for personal bullshit i want to party and have a good time no matter who I hurt along the way, and that is not who i want to be. That person that looked back at me in the mirror for so many years is starting to fade away, and grow into someone that isn't a total bad human. I hope. college, moving, marriage, babies, love, jobs, hobbies, everything is now in question for "how can i improve this so i'm not such a horrible person.?". So far, I have no idea.
I've found myself obsessing over things that i know is never going to change because it hasn't yet, i've been kicking myself and putting myself down because i didn't understand why these people do what they do and did what they did, and hid it, and lied and everything else. finally i just broke down and accepted the fact that people are selfish. relationships are hard. life is -hard-, everyone has a hard time with something or someone, or a habbit, or whatever.
at the end of the day, i just want to come home to loving arms, be held and told that i'm not always such a bad person, that there is -something- good about my soul. at the end of the day, i want to be held, and kissed, and hugged, adored, and i want someone to want me as much as i want them. i'm pretty damn close to that, so fucking it up is not and option. it never should have been.
-j-
i wish billy was home, this is my only chance at a day off for this week and i'm bored and alone with the cats and a dog, who thought it would be awesome to piss in the floor as i was on my way to get his leash to take him out this morning. no work today, the water-mane close to work is busted, so we're on call until 7, if we don't hear from them by 7 we're off for the night, paid of course, but we loose our one day off this week friday. so if we go back to work tonight i will work... sun, mon, tues, wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, wed... and hopefully not thurs, or fri. but with that place i might as well just have no plans for any sort of life.I just want to have some control over my life, i don't at all. i work when they tell me to, i go where i'm told, i sleep when he's sleepy, i spend my time to myself wondering when i'll get to be in control of some part of my life. i mean, i suppose i do have control over somethings, but right now it seems as if i'm a puppet and everyone is screaming "dance".
you know that American dream i was talking about... how i don't want a part of it? nothing has changed, but i wonder how long the people who have had their American dream have been puppets and danced for their few years of bliss and happiness? Maybe i have this all wrong in general, maybe no one has gotten the American dream and just say they do because it makes them feel better. Or maybe the American dream is just that, a dream that Americans have because they hate life too.
I can't think.
-j-
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Dying is easy, it's living that is hard."
Now seems like as good as a time as any to blog about whatever is in my head... which trust me is a lot. Do you remember a time in your life when you were a strong soulful person, when sticks and stones hurt you but words would never? well, i do too, and i miss that honestly. Over the past few years i've evolved into this woman who acted on emotion alone, good emotion. Now, bad emotion controls my life, and that's a terrible feeling to have. to wake up and see the one cloud in the sky, instead of waking up and seeing the silver lining. Somehow, i can still find good in most people, but i've lost the good in myself. i'm mean. I didn't realize how mean i was, until i found out that i come with warning labels. Well, sorry, this jaded soul doesn't know how to keep her thoughts to herself.
I've been dealing with my "issues" better lately, i'm still too sensitive for my own liking, but when you're made of soft things it's hard to pretend to be a rock. I mean, at first... rock... yes I love being a fucking rock... being a rock is awesome. Then, you notice that the earth makes you move, and it cracks you and the water starts to soften you up, and you start to be washed away... so it's hard to stay a rock. You turn into sand, and if your lucky you turn into a special kind of sand that is strong and beautiful and people want you, and you go to them, and you start to trust these people... then they throw you into a fire... and start rolling you around and blowing you... and the next thing you know... you're a glass. a drinking glass, one that people pay a lot of money for, but you still are a glass that people use, and drop, and put in a dishwasher because they don't care enough for you to hand-wash you. Do you know how hard it is to stop being a glass and turn back into a rock? i don't think that process has been proven by science yet, i hope they get on the glass into rock technology because i could really use it.
today, i've been called a heartless bitch, i've been called a whore, i've been called ugly, and i've been told that things only get better for a while before they go back to shit. In the response to being a heartless bitch- "better me than you", the response to being a whore- none yet stated, the response to being called ugly- "I'm not ugly, but i know at least i'm decent looking.". and my response to things will all go back to shit, that it's just a temporary solution is- "fuck you, what do you know?".
I apparently have to deal with who i am, well no shit! Yeah i have to face my choices on a daily basis, yes i have to look my old self in the eyes everyday as i brush my teeth, but the wonderful thing about that is, everyday, i look and see someone i like more and more everyday. it's not always a huge difference, sometimes i look at myself and see myself take a step back into my old self. But, the thing about hating your old self is... that you no longer want to be your old self... so you flight and you claw so that, you, just don't have to see that same look in your eyes day by day.
as for the cheating and the being a bad girlfriend, you know, when all has been forgiven and both parties still want to make things good and wonderful and there is so much love that sometimes your soul burns, well then, maybe you can start forgiving yourself for bad choices. and when being a bad girlfriend is on the line, chances are, you know what makes you so terrible, and if they can talk to you about it and you can listen and absorb everything in without tears then you can change for the better. Tears, they cloud and burn, they cloud your vision, and the burn your eyes and your soul. if your eyes burn, so does your soul.
I'm not the best human on the earth, not by leaps and bounds, but i have a boyfriend who even after all i've put him though loves me enough to be up front and honest with me about everything (well almost everything... everyone has secrets) so i can't be all bad now can i? he kisses me no matter my face, my breast size, or how fat i may or may not be. i might be a daughter of the devil, but i was raised by angels... so the fight is never even or fair... but at least i put up one.
Sorry if this was all over the place... but i'm... all over the place.
-J-
(yes i know it's not a movie quote.... comment comment comment.)
I've been dealing with my "issues" better lately, i'm still too sensitive for my own liking, but when you're made of soft things it's hard to pretend to be a rock. I mean, at first... rock... yes I love being a fucking rock... being a rock is awesome. Then, you notice that the earth makes you move, and it cracks you and the water starts to soften you up, and you start to be washed away... so it's hard to stay a rock. You turn into sand, and if your lucky you turn into a special kind of sand that is strong and beautiful and people want you, and you go to them, and you start to trust these people... then they throw you into a fire... and start rolling you around and blowing you... and the next thing you know... you're a glass. a drinking glass, one that people pay a lot of money for, but you still are a glass that people use, and drop, and put in a dishwasher because they don't care enough for you to hand-wash you. Do you know how hard it is to stop being a glass and turn back into a rock? i don't think that process has been proven by science yet, i hope they get on the glass into rock technology because i could really use it.
today, i've been called a heartless bitch, i've been called a whore, i've been called ugly, and i've been told that things only get better for a while before they go back to shit. In the response to being a heartless bitch- "better me than you", the response to being a whore- none yet stated, the response to being called ugly- "I'm not ugly, but i know at least i'm decent looking.". and my response to things will all go back to shit, that it's just a temporary solution is- "fuck you, what do you know?".
I apparently have to deal with who i am, well no shit! Yeah i have to face my choices on a daily basis, yes i have to look my old self in the eyes everyday as i brush my teeth, but the wonderful thing about that is, everyday, i look and see someone i like more and more everyday. it's not always a huge difference, sometimes i look at myself and see myself take a step back into my old self. But, the thing about hating your old self is... that you no longer want to be your old self... so you flight and you claw so that, you, just don't have to see that same look in your eyes day by day.
as for the cheating and the being a bad girlfriend, you know, when all has been forgiven and both parties still want to make things good and wonderful and there is so much love that sometimes your soul burns, well then, maybe you can start forgiving yourself for bad choices. and when being a bad girlfriend is on the line, chances are, you know what makes you so terrible, and if they can talk to you about it and you can listen and absorb everything in without tears then you can change for the better. Tears, they cloud and burn, they cloud your vision, and the burn your eyes and your soul. if your eyes burn, so does your soul.
I'm not the best human on the earth, not by leaps and bounds, but i have a boyfriend who even after all i've put him though loves me enough to be up front and honest with me about everything (well almost everything... everyone has secrets) so i can't be all bad now can i? he kisses me no matter my face, my breast size, or how fat i may or may not be. i might be a daughter of the devil, but i was raised by angels... so the fight is never even or fair... but at least i put up one.
Sorry if this was all over the place... but i'm... all over the place.
-J-
(yes i know it's not a movie quote.... comment comment comment.)
Monday, May 24, 2010
"I talked to God, she said 'yo, what's up?'"
I know i've been slacking on the blogging front, work has been crazy, and it looks like it's going to be a 50 hour week this week. So this little update, is just that... little. There has a been a lot of personal things going on that I in respect of others have decided to leave out of a public blog and have been writing in my personal journal. So, sorry about that, there is still a band review i've been working on for this blog though... so you have that to look forward to.
Other than that, I need to go to work and hate life for 10 hours.
-J-
Other than that, I need to go to work and hate life for 10 hours.
-J-
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"i drink your milkshake"
The dreams have started again, and there is nothing i can do about it. the fears and the things i hate that i've been working so hard on forgetting and ignoring are back and are getting worse. a little bit different content this time, it's all about lies and actions that hurt me, and the most fucked up thing about it is, i'm not sure if it's just in my dreams or if my mind is picking up on something. it sucks, it hurts and i don't like it. now i have to go to work and pray we're busy enough to keep my mind off of it all. i hope we're busy enough that when i get home everything will be out of my head and i won't have to feel this anymore.
my self esteem is crashing and burning, and i don't know why. i talked to a good friend about it yesterday via text, and she asked a question that i've mentioned in the blog, and since she asked it, that's all i can think about. i've been a good girl, no snooping, no cheating, not even thinking about cheating on him, i wouldn't do that again. but that makes me wonder where the line between cheating and not cheating. now, that sounds like i'm trying to figure out the line for myself, which isn't the case what so ever. but as i've been thinking about it, i think it's drawn when one of the two people in the relationship is a) hurt by actions and b) when lying comes into play. i don't know how many more dreams i can take of this before i just decide to never sleep, or how many dreams i can take until i crack and say something stupid and hurtful.
this is by far one of the worst feelings i've ever had. i want it gone, and i want to be happy through and though, because no matter of the pain i've caused to people in my life, i deserve to be happy and have a clear mind. i wonder if i'll ever stop punishing myself. i wonder if we'll ever be okay. cause, honestly sometimes i'm not so sure.
-j-
my self esteem is crashing and burning, and i don't know why. i talked to a good friend about it yesterday via text, and she asked a question that i've mentioned in the blog, and since she asked it, that's all i can think about. i've been a good girl, no snooping, no cheating, not even thinking about cheating on him, i wouldn't do that again. but that makes me wonder where the line between cheating and not cheating. now, that sounds like i'm trying to figure out the line for myself, which isn't the case what so ever. but as i've been thinking about it, i think it's drawn when one of the two people in the relationship is a) hurt by actions and b) when lying comes into play. i don't know how many more dreams i can take of this before i just decide to never sleep, or how many dreams i can take until i crack and say something stupid and hurtful.
this is by far one of the worst feelings i've ever had. i want it gone, and i want to be happy through and though, because no matter of the pain i've caused to people in my life, i deserve to be happy and have a clear mind. i wonder if i'll ever stop punishing myself. i wonder if we'll ever be okay. cause, honestly sometimes i'm not so sure.
-j-
Thursday, May 13, 2010
"who you callin' scruffy?!"
adventures at the laundry mat. i like to do my laundry in peace, sit, text, blog a bit... generally keep myself entertained... but that wasn't in the cards today. Toddlers! not regular toddlers but unbehaved mexican't toddlers. i... am -not- actually racist... i think that some cultures need a rebooting in order to fix their dirty name, but that means america too. so i hate everyone no matter of skin color. if you're white and ket your kids try to steal my bra at a laundry mat, it would be the same blog. if your kid is being a jerk in public... beat the snot out of your kid and see if next time they aren't better behaved. i'm just sezzin.
for the rest of the day i still have a bit to do, get ready go eat lunch with billie, hang out with kate, clean up the apartment a little bit, perhaps grab some shit to take to billys... dunno yet. all i know is, i'm fucking sleepy and it looks like there isn't time for a nap. i hope these clothes dry quickly.
laundry mats and i have a love hate relationship. they're too expensive, yet you can do like 90000000.8 loads at once so it saves you time. personally, i would rather spend 20 bucks and an hour and a half at a laundry mat then hardly any money and spend all day doing it. you know, it's not soically acceptable to wear dirty clothes all the time and small unless your favorite band is phish and the highlight of your year is seeing them at bonaroo. that's why they're called "dirty hippies". do i personally have any problem with said "dirty hippies"? no, except when they let me smoke their kind bud and make me listen to radiohead, phish and other terrible dirty hippie jam bands. i hate jam bands period... but jam bands stoned has to be the worst thing ever. seriously, time slows down while stoned anyway a bad 18 minute song sounds like a worse 1899990 minute song stoned. no thank you i want zero part of it.
spin spin spin the laundry goes in circles over and over amd over. boooooring.
-j-
for the rest of the day i still have a bit to do, get ready go eat lunch with billie, hang out with kate, clean up the apartment a little bit, perhaps grab some shit to take to billys... dunno yet. all i know is, i'm fucking sleepy and it looks like there isn't time for a nap. i hope these clothes dry quickly.
laundry mats and i have a love hate relationship. they're too expensive, yet you can do like 90000000.8 loads at once so it saves you time. personally, i would rather spend 20 bucks and an hour and a half at a laundry mat then hardly any money and spend all day doing it. you know, it's not soically acceptable to wear dirty clothes all the time and small unless your favorite band is phish and the highlight of your year is seeing them at bonaroo. that's why they're called "dirty hippies". do i personally have any problem with said "dirty hippies"? no, except when they let me smoke their kind bud and make me listen to radiohead, phish and other terrible dirty hippie jam bands. i hate jam bands period... but jam bands stoned has to be the worst thing ever. seriously, time slows down while stoned anyway a bad 18 minute song sounds like a worse 1899990 minute song stoned. no thank you i want zero part of it.
spin spin spin the laundry goes in circles over and over amd over. boooooring.
-j-
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
"i said you can have a snack not the whole kitchen"
why yes random group of people i would love for you to sit at my table outside and totally ignore me. and by that i mean get the fuck away, if i wanted to sit with people i would have -sat- with people. so awesome thanks for the uncomfortableness.. fuck off assholes.
i'm actually in a good mood, you probably can't tell from the first paragraph for my last blog. but i've decided to take this session of spring blues and shove it up it's own dull ass. i'm a fun gal, i'm a -funny- gal. i have a shread of self confidence and self worth and i'm going to quit shoving it down because others don't validate me. well you know what? i don't need your validation... "if you know you're the shit, then you're the shit to you." never in a million years did i think i would take advice from katt williams. homie has a point though.
it's time, no more walking with my shoulders slumped and my head down, i've always been trampled on, but no longer. billy had the devil take over his life to do some house cleaning and maybe i need to do the same thing. take a page out of his book and get back to the jess that -i- love. because this jess -i- hate. the jess -i- love is strong but doesn't have a cold dead heart, the jess -i- love cries and allows herself to cry and feel. the jess -i- love can take a joke and fire one back that is 10times more wity and hilarious than yours. the jess -i- love paints. writes, learns, takes pictures and strives to be a better human being. so that's the jess that's going to be around from now on. if you don't like it... fuck off i don't need you "aint shit niggas".
i woke up feeling refreshed like i'm a whole new me. and goddamnit i'm running with it.
there is no try with this... there is only do... fuck there isn't even a do not. eat a dick haters.... jess that -i- love is here. and it's about to be a good time.
-j-
i'm actually in a good mood, you probably can't tell from the first paragraph for my last blog. but i've decided to take this session of spring blues and shove it up it's own dull ass. i'm a fun gal, i'm a -funny- gal. i have a shread of self confidence and self worth and i'm going to quit shoving it down because others don't validate me. well you know what? i don't need your validation... "if you know you're the shit, then you're the shit to you." never in a million years did i think i would take advice from katt williams. homie has a point though.
it's time, no more walking with my shoulders slumped and my head down, i've always been trampled on, but no longer. billy had the devil take over his life to do some house cleaning and maybe i need to do the same thing. take a page out of his book and get back to the jess that -i- love. because this jess -i- hate. the jess -i- love is strong but doesn't have a cold dead heart, the jess -i- love cries and allows herself to cry and feel. the jess -i- love can take a joke and fire one back that is 10times more wity and hilarious than yours. the jess -i- love paints. writes, learns, takes pictures and strives to be a better human being. so that's the jess that's going to be around from now on. if you don't like it... fuck off i don't need you "aint shit niggas".
i woke up feeling refreshed like i'm a whole new me. and goddamnit i'm running with it.
there is no try with this... there is only do... fuck there isn't even a do not. eat a dick haters.... jess that -i- love is here. and it's about to be a good time.
-j-
"have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
Dear Devil,
i understand you've taken over and that you're not playing this time. i want to thank you for taking some of the weight off of billy's shoulders, the weight of guilt plus the weight of the world can often be to much for the average person. and as it seems it can be amped when it's a super strong person with a super huge heart.
i know i'm no model girlfriend, or best friend to billy but i do try to make his life a bit easier. we've discussed what needs to change and i've been working on it, and i'll continue working on it. so please don't jump my shit when i'm really trying.
as far as the insects in billy's life, personally i'm glad they're gone, they were draining him of his spirit and love for anything that this horrible world could offer. yes, i have been an insect in his life, and no, i never meant to.
but thank you devil for lifting the weight and helping him be happy again. he does have a few really good friends in life, i can think of 3... and sadly only one of the three live here. (i'm actually not talking about myself)
look mr devil sir, i have your back because you haave billy's, i will support you in whatever you feel is best for him... unless it's hurting him. devil... if you fuck up and he gets hurt i -will- stand up to you, and i won't back down until you see how much it hurts him. i'm a bit frightened of you devil, you have a bad temper and a yell that makes me feel like i should kill myself while hiding under a bed. but perhaps i should take a page out of your book and do some house cleaning myself.
there are four things i ask of you devil... keep billy safe. keep him alive. keep him happy. and keep him healthy. that doesn't seem like too much to ask of the thing that has taken over my best friend and lover for his own good.
-J-
i understand you've taken over and that you're not playing this time. i want to thank you for taking some of the weight off of billy's shoulders, the weight of guilt plus the weight of the world can often be to much for the average person. and as it seems it can be amped when it's a super strong person with a super huge heart.
i know i'm no model girlfriend, or best friend to billy but i do try to make his life a bit easier. we've discussed what needs to change and i've been working on it, and i'll continue working on it. so please don't jump my shit when i'm really trying.
as far as the insects in billy's life, personally i'm glad they're gone, they were draining him of his spirit and love for anything that this horrible world could offer. yes, i have been an insect in his life, and no, i never meant to.
but thank you devil for lifting the weight and helping him be happy again. he does have a few really good friends in life, i can think of 3... and sadly only one of the three live here. (i'm actually not talking about myself)
look mr devil sir, i have your back because you haave billy's, i will support you in whatever you feel is best for him... unless it's hurting him. devil... if you fuck up and he gets hurt i -will- stand up to you, and i won't back down until you see how much it hurts him. i'm a bit frightened of you devil, you have a bad temper and a yell that makes me feel like i should kill myself while hiding under a bed. but perhaps i should take a page out of your book and do some house cleaning myself.
there are four things i ask of you devil... keep billy safe. keep him alive. keep him happy. and keep him healthy. that doesn't seem like too much to ask of the thing that has taken over my best friend and lover for his own good.
-J-
Monday, May 10, 2010
"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you."
I don't really know where this blog is going to go, I have no general idea of what I want to write about, I just need to write right now.
I realize that I'm not the only person in the world who has had a bad day, shit compared to most people in America i don't have a lot of bitching room. I have a job (that i'm forcing myself to go to daily because i hate it), I have friends (who are super busy with their own lives and schedules that it's hard to talk to or keep up with), I have a roof over my head (technically two roofs since i stay with billie but have my own place), I have money to buy food to put in my stomach, I have an amazing family who support me no matter what stupid thing i do, I have an awesome boyfriend... nope not a whole lot of bitching room. So why is it i feel the need to bitch, not just to billie or my friends, but to the internet?! "I don't have a car..." "I hate my job..." blah blah blah. I can see my own interest in this blog falling off, how can i expect others to read it and not be like "oh god she's bitching again." And see... now, I'm bitching about bitching.
there has to be something that is a problem that i'm failing to see, or ignoring the existence of. Do I need validation through a blog, and it's comments, through facebook and the comments on there? Because I'm starting to think that I do, and that alone is a problem. where as that self esteem gone? Where is that Jess that people love? Oh that's right, -that- Jess is drunk in a bar, and this Jess is living in the real world. But here is the thing, I don't really like being drunk Jess in a bar, not on a regular basis anyway. I like it from time to time so I can hang out with some peeps that are bad ass, (who i hope take zero offense to this particular part of my blog). And there are reasons that I'm not there all the time, money, transportation, the thing that gives me a sick feeling in my stomach, and because i've got a case of the spring blues. Funny, here I was thinking that I only get the blues in the fall and winter. i hope this isn't a progressing thing, the blues. I don't want the blues year round, I don't want them for part of the year, or a second of the year. Yet the blues just seem to prop themselves up on my shoulders and scream so loudly into my ear that sometimes, I honestly think I'm loosing my mind.
i noticed today, how jumpy I am, how i talk to myself more and more, and how when i fuck up something at work (go to the wrong location try to scan it and get the error message) i cuss at the item. How i can feel myself just slipping away from being mentally sound. and i wonder how those people at work view me, not because i really care (some of them i do care about because they're nice to me because they want to be, not because i smoke also), i wonder if they just go... "that girl is loosing her mind today, did you see her do that? she's fucked up she's got to be high or something." and some of them i know for a fact do that because i've heard them talk shit about me, and make fun of me. and that's fine, if they hate let em hate right? at one point today, I was picking just minding my own business and working my ass off and tears just started pouring down my face, i wasn't crying but my eyes were. I didn't feel more sad than usual, but my body made me cry... i wasn't even thinking of anything sad... as a matter of fact i was thinking of a funny movie that has -never- made me sad. So there i am, picking, with a half smile on my face and crying involuntarily, awesome I know.
I think all i need/ed was just a hug, or something someone to ask what was wrong, how i'm doing, if i'm okay, if they can do anything to help.. something someone to care for two whole seconds that i was having a pretty terrible day. but i suppose people are just too wrapped up in themselves to ask someone who always asks them how they are, and how their day is going to return the favor when it's needed. all and all i think i'm just lonely at work, and lonely in general sometimes. but what can you expect from the girl who is a million miles away, and in her own world where things are probably much worse than out in the world with everyone else.
I hate the general answers to how are you... "fine" "good" "chillin"... well, guess what fuckers if -i- ask how -you- are, i dont want a general answer, if i did i wouldn't even bother asking it in the first place. Granted i don't want to know about how the rash that you got from fucking some random person at a bar is effecting your ability to drive your car comfortably... but a real answer would be nice once in a while.
All of these people in this world and everyone just gives a shit about themselves. So to those of you that just give a shit about yourself, tomorrow, ask someone how their day is, and if they give you a real honest answer, fucking listen.
this world can burn and start over again for all i care, maybe some humanity will stick this time around.
-J-
I realize that I'm not the only person in the world who has had a bad day, shit compared to most people in America i don't have a lot of bitching room. I have a job (that i'm forcing myself to go to daily because i hate it), I have friends (who are super busy with their own lives and schedules that it's hard to talk to or keep up with), I have a roof over my head (technically two roofs since i stay with billie but have my own place), I have money to buy food to put in my stomach, I have an amazing family who support me no matter what stupid thing i do, I have an awesome boyfriend... nope not a whole lot of bitching room. So why is it i feel the need to bitch, not just to billie or my friends, but to the internet?! "I don't have a car..." "I hate my job..." blah blah blah. I can see my own interest in this blog falling off, how can i expect others to read it and not be like "oh god she's bitching again." And see... now, I'm bitching about bitching.
there has to be something that is a problem that i'm failing to see, or ignoring the existence of. Do I need validation through a blog, and it's comments, through facebook and the comments on there? Because I'm starting to think that I do, and that alone is a problem. where as that self esteem gone? Where is that Jess that people love? Oh that's right, -that- Jess is drunk in a bar, and this Jess is living in the real world. But here is the thing, I don't really like being drunk Jess in a bar, not on a regular basis anyway. I like it from time to time so I can hang out with some peeps that are bad ass, (who i hope take zero offense to this particular part of my blog). And there are reasons that I'm not there all the time, money, transportation, the thing that gives me a sick feeling in my stomach, and because i've got a case of the spring blues. Funny, here I was thinking that I only get the blues in the fall and winter. i hope this isn't a progressing thing, the blues. I don't want the blues year round, I don't want them for part of the year, or a second of the year. Yet the blues just seem to prop themselves up on my shoulders and scream so loudly into my ear that sometimes, I honestly think I'm loosing my mind.
i noticed today, how jumpy I am, how i talk to myself more and more, and how when i fuck up something at work (go to the wrong location try to scan it and get the error message) i cuss at the item. How i can feel myself just slipping away from being mentally sound. and i wonder how those people at work view me, not because i really care (some of them i do care about because they're nice to me because they want to be, not because i smoke also), i wonder if they just go... "that girl is loosing her mind today, did you see her do that? she's fucked up she's got to be high or something." and some of them i know for a fact do that because i've heard them talk shit about me, and make fun of me. and that's fine, if they hate let em hate right? at one point today, I was picking just minding my own business and working my ass off and tears just started pouring down my face, i wasn't crying but my eyes were. I didn't feel more sad than usual, but my body made me cry... i wasn't even thinking of anything sad... as a matter of fact i was thinking of a funny movie that has -never- made me sad. So there i am, picking, with a half smile on my face and crying involuntarily, awesome I know.
I think all i need/ed was just a hug, or something someone to ask what was wrong, how i'm doing, if i'm okay, if they can do anything to help.. something someone to care for two whole seconds that i was having a pretty terrible day. but i suppose people are just too wrapped up in themselves to ask someone who always asks them how they are, and how their day is going to return the favor when it's needed. all and all i think i'm just lonely at work, and lonely in general sometimes. but what can you expect from the girl who is a million miles away, and in her own world where things are probably much worse than out in the world with everyone else.
I hate the general answers to how are you... "fine" "good" "chillin"... well, guess what fuckers if -i- ask how -you- are, i dont want a general answer, if i did i wouldn't even bother asking it in the first place. Granted i don't want to know about how the rash that you got from fucking some random person at a bar is effecting your ability to drive your car comfortably... but a real answer would be nice once in a while.
All of these people in this world and everyone just gives a shit about themselves. So to those of you that just give a shit about yourself, tomorrow, ask someone how their day is, and if they give you a real honest answer, fucking listen.
this world can burn and start over again for all i care, maybe some humanity will stick this time around.
-J-
"no more rhyming i mean it"
stupid weather, i'm starting to think that stupid rainy weather gives me to blues, which turns into bad dreams. or vice versa... either way it sucks and i do not like it.
so, there is something i need to get the fuck over. her. i trust billie, i know he's not going to cheat on me, and i know he loves me so much, i mean... after all i've put him through he still wants me by his side. so what is my issue with her? where is it coming from? there is (i think) an aspect of her that reminds me of krista during chelsea place... it's the same gut feeling. but i'm trying to ignore it, but i just get so filled with jealousy that it eats me alive a little bit. maybe part of me thinks that i deserve to have him cheat on me (which i don't want to happen). maybe it's just the fear of it that is fueling the green flame. i feel dumb having these feelings because when he kisses me i can feel it all over, it shakes me to the core. so it is pretty fucking retarded these jealous feelings.
i got an email from chris, telling me that it's not that he doesn't want anything to do with me, but it would be better for billie and i if we didn't speak. i got this email after -he- emailed -billie- i thinl trying to make a friendship of some sorts. and saying that he had no intention of ever talking to me again. with that i ask WTF?! Who in their correct mind would do that? 'hey dude i wanna be friends i won't talk to your chick anymore' 'hey jess i don't want to be out of total contact with you'... either way you slice it it equals uncool.
i hope work is busy so this day can fly by and i can be on the couch curled up with billie relaxing and being happy.
with that i have nothing else to say...
comment comment comment- i want to know who's out there.
-J-
so, there is something i need to get the fuck over. her. i trust billie, i know he's not going to cheat on me, and i know he loves me so much, i mean... after all i've put him through he still wants me by his side. so what is my issue with her? where is it coming from? there is (i think) an aspect of her that reminds me of krista during chelsea place... it's the same gut feeling. but i'm trying to ignore it, but i just get so filled with jealousy that it eats me alive a little bit. maybe part of me thinks that i deserve to have him cheat on me (which i don't want to happen). maybe it's just the fear of it that is fueling the green flame. i feel dumb having these feelings because when he kisses me i can feel it all over, it shakes me to the core. so it is pretty fucking retarded these jealous feelings.
i got an email from chris, telling me that it's not that he doesn't want anything to do with me, but it would be better for billie and i if we didn't speak. i got this email after -he- emailed -billie- i thinl trying to make a friendship of some sorts. and saying that he had no intention of ever talking to me again. with that i ask WTF?! Who in their correct mind would do that? 'hey dude i wanna be friends i won't talk to your chick anymore' 'hey jess i don't want to be out of total contact with you'... either way you slice it it equals uncool.
i hope work is busy so this day can fly by and i can be on the couch curled up with billie relaxing and being happy.
with that i have nothing else to say...
comment comment comment- i want to know who's out there.
-J-
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... for sho'."
I've got this sick feeling in my stomach, I'm not really sure where it's coming from. I'm not pregnant so don't even suggest it. It's like a... "something is wrong, something is off", feeling. I think it's coupled with, "oh shit what if he changes his mind" feeling. It's been a rough past couple of days, neither one of us has been feeling up to anything really. Either someones head, back, feet, or body hurts, or we've been super stressed and had a bad day, or just an off day in general. I hate weeks like this, everything is just here and there, and nothing is really in it's correct place. Sleeping becomes a chore because there is so much to do, and what needs to get done while one of us is at work, the other can't do because the one at work has the truck. I need a car, like 3 years ago. And I feel bad for bitching about not having a car, because how many people now don't even have a house none the less a car?! Stupid stupid stupid. That doesn't change the fact that I -need- a car.
So, my friend had her surgery, everything went well, and they said that she doesn't have cancer, but they're going to run some more tests just to make sure. I was supposed to spend the day in the hospital with her yesterday but because of some issues with our electricity we ran out of time and i didn't get to get up there to see her. She's at home, I talked to her a little this morning, she said she was feeling horrible and that she's upset about her scar. They said they were only going to cut on the left side, but ended up having to cut along the front of her neck as well. She sent me a picture, and typically I would post it, but it's not really my business to post people in the hospital. Just seems wrong, but... she is doing okay and they let her come home today, so thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for her. She's a major light in my world (Billies as well) and frankly we don't know what we would do without her. So... yay! Lets send healing thoughts her way... xD
I'm supposed to go hang out with my Kate-e-kins later, after she's done with all of her shit, and we're gonna make our third YouTube video for Super Uber Fuck Your Shit Up Crew Show, if you haven't seen the first two here is the link... Super Uber FYSUC I have a blast editing them, but Kate is more the talker, thank God. So i don't know what our new video will be about, but i'm sure it'll fuck your shit up.
It's so quiet in this place when he's not here, and i have a hard time breaking the silence with music, i'm not sure if it's because I just don't know what I'm in the mood to listen to, or if I just enjoy it while it drives me bonkers.
I really need to spend a day at my apartment, and start packing up and cleaning for the move, yup, i'm going to move in with Billie, I know i know it hasn't worked before, but there is a first time for everything and while yes we're doing it partly because life is expensive but mostly because we love each other and can't really bring ourselves to sleep apart from each other. We've been a little cramped up together because of the car situation but once that is fixed we'll both have the breathing room we -need- to process and think, and do whatever it is we do when we're alone. I watched I Love You, Man yesterday for the first time. And Peter is kind of like me, he's a girlfriend guy, i'm a boyfriend girl... I know that I've gotten a boyfriend and let me friends fall to the wayside, and Billie has rarely asked me to ditch my friends and not have any. If he has it's because well, they were probably pieces of shit that were doing me literally more harm than good. I have a hard time seeing that sometimes... my "friends" consider me pure entertainment and could really give a shit less about my actual well-being. But I think I'm starting to get a good small group of friends that really do give a shit about me. I've never had the same friends my entire life, I mean I have Robyn, and her and I can't really go kick it being that she lives like 12 hours away. Tina and I have been friends for shit almost 13 years but we're so busy I'm not even sure that I would consider her a good friend anymore. I don't know the last time we spoke. There are people from high school, who are friends but none of which i really see on the reg. But there is Kate, Brandy and Jeff. Those are my homies right there, Kate and I grew up seriously like 30 miles away from each other in Colorado, then met one night at the pub, we've always just gotten along and crack each other up, keep each other safe and sound. She's my P.I.C fo sho. Brandy, well as I said she's a major light in my life, and has been for almost the past year. I can talk to her about anything and she'll give me the honest truth, she'd give me the shirt off of her back and I would give her mine. Jeff, now that's my little brother, we share a connection of... "yeah we're both really fucked up in the head and have our issues so i know I can talk to you about this and you won't judge but you'll understand and have my back no matter what." and so far with a little bit of disrespect to other along the way we're pretty close. You guys already know Billie is my absolute best friend, he has been for the past 6 years if we've been together or not. No one really knows me the way he does, and I doubt anyone ever will. He is why I bother waking up in the morning, he is what I picture when I think about my future and hearing the front door open and saying "Daddy's home!!!" to my kids. He's the only one i've ever been able to flawlessly picture saying "I do" to and everything else in this world. After all "love is friendship on fire" (the perfect man).
Lets talk for a moment about some music, there are two bands I can -always- listen to, no matter the mood, the day, the time of year... and that is Lucero, and The Frames. If you haven't listened to them, you really should. I've listened to Lucero since I was 17, and the Red Rose was booming, the summer before i met Charlie, the summer before I had my heart broken for the first time in my life. Lucero go me through our first break up, and well after our second break up i met Billie and he and Lucero made me more than whole again. The Frames, well, heh, they got me though Billie and I's first break up, then our second, and third, and fourth, etc etc etc. Not so much the last one, because at that point I had introduced Billie to them and he had "grown up enough to like it", so i heard them and thought of him, and that was painful. But Lucero did get me through this last one, even went and saw them live at Mercy Lounge. Yeah, I thought of Billie the whole time, but it made me feel hopeful that one day he and i would be where were are now. Together and madly in love.
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"you're gonna sink wearing that heart of gold you're holding fast son you better let it go the weight of guilt son's gonna drag you down you better let it go else you're gonna drown a heavy cross'll make a brighter crown" -The Weight of Guilt, by Lucero, album- Rebels, Rogues, & Sworn Brothers
Lucero is from Memphis and are "southern rock, rockabilly, badass." that's how I categorize them anyway. Ben Nichols has a rough dry voice that a lot of people don't really like, but you know he loves what he does. They sing a lot of broken heart songs, and if you listen to the whole discography you can hear him growing up from "she broke my heart" into "let me get my grown man on". And I love hearing bands grow up, especially when i get the chance to grow up and change with them. I don't know where Lucero got their name or why they picked it, but after some research i found that it means a bright star (i'm assuming Spanish) OR an Italian name meaning "light".
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"We wield a mighty sword, that cuts through the bone and lays the liars down, we wield an angry sword that softens the stone and turns the tide around" -Mighty Sword, by The Frames, album- For the Birds.
The Frames are based in Dublin, Ireland and have like 6 albums and Glen Hansard has a movie out called "Once" which he sings and plays in... they sing some Frames songs. I'm not really sure what to write about them, because I do love them so, but I've never seen them live, and they've always been a little bit more grown up than i am, but it doesn't make me love them any less than Lucero. When I started to write this paragraph I decided to look up some information on them. And I always love knowing where the band names come from... this is off of their website so it's true... "The Frames are called The Frames because when Glen was small he used to fix all the bicycles in his neighbourhood for his friends. His house had bicycle frames lying all around and Glen could be seen up to his eyeballs in oil and grease with that big smile of his fixing bicycles. His house became known as the house with the frames. Hence the name The Frames." Just something I thought was interesting.
Maybe once a week I'll go through bands that I love and introduce you guys to them (if you don't already know them) and maybe just maybe they'll get you through a shit day.
-J-
comment comment comment I want to know you're out there... asshats.
So, my friend had her surgery, everything went well, and they said that she doesn't have cancer, but they're going to run some more tests just to make sure. I was supposed to spend the day in the hospital with her yesterday but because of some issues with our electricity we ran out of time and i didn't get to get up there to see her. She's at home, I talked to her a little this morning, she said she was feeling horrible and that she's upset about her scar. They said they were only going to cut on the left side, but ended up having to cut along the front of her neck as well. She sent me a picture, and typically I would post it, but it's not really my business to post people in the hospital. Just seems wrong, but... she is doing okay and they let her come home today, so thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for her. She's a major light in my world (Billies as well) and frankly we don't know what we would do without her. So... yay! Lets send healing thoughts her way... xD
I'm supposed to go hang out with my Kate-e-kins later, after she's done with all of her shit, and we're gonna make our third YouTube video for Super Uber Fuck Your Shit Up Crew Show, if you haven't seen the first two here is the link... Super Uber FYSUC I have a blast editing them, but Kate is more the talker, thank God. So i don't know what our new video will be about, but i'm sure it'll fuck your shit up.
It's so quiet in this place when he's not here, and i have a hard time breaking the silence with music, i'm not sure if it's because I just don't know what I'm in the mood to listen to, or if I just enjoy it while it drives me bonkers.
I really need to spend a day at my apartment, and start packing up and cleaning for the move, yup, i'm going to move in with Billie, I know i know it hasn't worked before, but there is a first time for everything and while yes we're doing it partly because life is expensive but mostly because we love each other and can't really bring ourselves to sleep apart from each other. We've been a little cramped up together because of the car situation but once that is fixed we'll both have the breathing room we -need- to process and think, and do whatever it is we do when we're alone. I watched I Love You, Man yesterday for the first time. And Peter is kind of like me, he's a girlfriend guy, i'm a boyfriend girl... I know that I've gotten a boyfriend and let me friends fall to the wayside, and Billie has rarely asked me to ditch my friends and not have any. If he has it's because well, they were probably pieces of shit that were doing me literally more harm than good. I have a hard time seeing that sometimes... my "friends" consider me pure entertainment and could really give a shit less about my actual well-being. But I think I'm starting to get a good small group of friends that really do give a shit about me. I've never had the same friends my entire life, I mean I have Robyn, and her and I can't really go kick it being that she lives like 12 hours away. Tina and I have been friends for shit almost 13 years but we're so busy I'm not even sure that I would consider her a good friend anymore. I don't know the last time we spoke. There are people from high school, who are friends but none of which i really see on the reg. But there is Kate, Brandy and Jeff. Those are my homies right there, Kate and I grew up seriously like 30 miles away from each other in Colorado, then met one night at the pub, we've always just gotten along and crack each other up, keep each other safe and sound. She's my P.I.C fo sho. Brandy, well as I said she's a major light in my life, and has been for almost the past year. I can talk to her about anything and she'll give me the honest truth, she'd give me the shirt off of her back and I would give her mine. Jeff, now that's my little brother, we share a connection of... "yeah we're both really fucked up in the head and have our issues so i know I can talk to you about this and you won't judge but you'll understand and have my back no matter what." and so far with a little bit of disrespect to other along the way we're pretty close. You guys already know Billie is my absolute best friend, he has been for the past 6 years if we've been together or not. No one really knows me the way he does, and I doubt anyone ever will. He is why I bother waking up in the morning, he is what I picture when I think about my future and hearing the front door open and saying "Daddy's home!!!" to my kids. He's the only one i've ever been able to flawlessly picture saying "I do" to and everything else in this world. After all "love is friendship on fire" (the perfect man).
Lets talk for a moment about some music, there are two bands I can -always- listen to, no matter the mood, the day, the time of year... and that is Lucero, and The Frames. If you haven't listened to them, you really should. I've listened to Lucero since I was 17, and the Red Rose was booming, the summer before i met Charlie, the summer before I had my heart broken for the first time in my life. Lucero go me through our first break up, and well after our second break up i met Billie and he and Lucero made me more than whole again. The Frames, well, heh, they got me though Billie and I's first break up, then our second, and third, and fourth, etc etc etc. Not so much the last one, because at that point I had introduced Billie to them and he had "grown up enough to like it", so i heard them and thought of him, and that was painful. But Lucero did get me through this last one, even went and saw them live at Mercy Lounge. Yeah, I thought of Billie the whole time, but it made me feel hopeful that one day he and i would be where were are now. Together and madly in love.
--------
"you're gonna sink wearing that heart of gold you're holding fast son you better let it go the weight of guilt son's gonna drag you down you better let it go else you're gonna drown a heavy cross'll make a brighter crown" -The Weight of Guilt, by Lucero, album- Rebels, Rogues, & Sworn Brothers
Lucero is from Memphis and are "southern rock, rockabilly, badass." that's how I categorize them anyway. Ben Nichols has a rough dry voice that a lot of people don't really like, but you know he loves what he does. They sing a lot of broken heart songs, and if you listen to the whole discography you can hear him growing up from "she broke my heart" into "let me get my grown man on". And I love hearing bands grow up, especially when i get the chance to grow up and change with them. I don't know where Lucero got their name or why they picked it, but after some research i found that it means a bright star (i'm assuming Spanish) OR an Italian name meaning "light".
------------
"We wield a mighty sword, that cuts through the bone and lays the liars down, we wield an angry sword that softens the stone and turns the tide around" -Mighty Sword, by The Frames, album- For the Birds.
The Frames are based in Dublin, Ireland and have like 6 albums and Glen Hansard has a movie out called "Once" which he sings and plays in... they sing some Frames songs. I'm not really sure what to write about them, because I do love them so, but I've never seen them live, and they've always been a little bit more grown up than i am, but it doesn't make me love them any less than Lucero. When I started to write this paragraph I decided to look up some information on them. And I always love knowing where the band names come from... this is off of their website so it's true... "The Frames are called The Frames because when Glen was small he used to fix all the bicycles in his neighbourhood for his friends. His house had bicycle frames lying all around and Glen could be seen up to his eyeballs in oil and grease with that big smile of his fixing bicycles. His house became known as the house with the frames. Hence the name The Frames." Just something I thought was interesting.
Maybe once a week I'll go through bands that I love and introduce you guys to them (if you don't already know them) and maybe just maybe they'll get you through a shit day.
-J-
comment comment comment I want to know you're out there... asshats.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"frankly my dear, i don't give a damn"
at work early yet again, because of the horrible flooding in TN they shut down work on sunday, and i guess we're slow so we came in 2 hours late today... that's my paycheck minus 12 hours... i mean yeah i'm okay with the 8 hour shift on my friday but c'mon let me make some fucking money.
so it's been one fuck of a week, the flooding was/is terrible, thank god that as far as i know no one in my family is hurt. a lot of houses flooded, 3 of my cousins and my grandmothers basement to be exact. not to meantion all of my friends houses. and the national media won't talk about it?! no offence but they still talk about katrina... i know nashville isn't as badass as new orleans buuuuuuuut it doesn't make the losses any less important. fuck you national new media FUCK YOU! what nashville and tn have no importance?! what about all of those bands you love from TN? what about the titains? oooooooo okay i get it... because we didn't go crazy and loot or because not as many people died it's not as important. gotcha... good to know, next time we'll be sure to act like a bunch of assholes and kill people in our fucking time of crisis. asshats!
on another note, fears are starting to fade, not by much i still worry about all of those things and more everyday. but he does things like randomly call me sexy or kiss my neck and shoulders out of the blue and i quit wondering if he really has changed. we both need to take steps back and remember the promises we made a month ago, like being romantic and doing romantic things just because it'll make the other person smile, give time to breathe and hangout by yourself or with friends, to compromise so it's not all take and all give. those are the major things. there is still no better feeling than waking up and feeling his hand rub my leg and let me curl up in the nook, or waking up from a bad dream and curling up next to him.
i'm still on the hunt for a car, mike from work said he'd be on the look out for one... it sure would be nice to have a working car again, for billie and i both.
so one of my dearest friends is having surgery tomorrow, she has cancer which she doesn't deserve, so i'll be at the hospital with her tomorrow, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this is the end of this battle with cancer and not the beginning. she has the most amazing heart in the world and i'm blessed to still call her a friend after the shit i've pulled.
peace & love
-j-
comment comment comment... c'mon if you're reading i want to know!
so it's been one fuck of a week, the flooding was/is terrible, thank god that as far as i know no one in my family is hurt. a lot of houses flooded, 3 of my cousins and my grandmothers basement to be exact. not to meantion all of my friends houses. and the national media won't talk about it?! no offence but they still talk about katrina... i know nashville isn't as badass as new orleans buuuuuuuut it doesn't make the losses any less important. fuck you national new media FUCK YOU! what nashville and tn have no importance?! what about all of those bands you love from TN? what about the titains? oooooooo okay i get it... because we didn't go crazy and loot or because not as many people died it's not as important. gotcha... good to know, next time we'll be sure to act like a bunch of assholes and kill people in our fucking time of crisis. asshats!
on another note, fears are starting to fade, not by much i still worry about all of those things and more everyday. but he does things like randomly call me sexy or kiss my neck and shoulders out of the blue and i quit wondering if he really has changed. we both need to take steps back and remember the promises we made a month ago, like being romantic and doing romantic things just because it'll make the other person smile, give time to breathe and hangout by yourself or with friends, to compromise so it's not all take and all give. those are the major things. there is still no better feeling than waking up and feeling his hand rub my leg and let me curl up in the nook, or waking up from a bad dream and curling up next to him.
i'm still on the hunt for a car, mike from work said he'd be on the look out for one... it sure would be nice to have a working car again, for billie and i both.
so one of my dearest friends is having surgery tomorrow, she has cancer which she doesn't deserve, so i'll be at the hospital with her tomorrow, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this is the end of this battle with cancer and not the beginning. she has the most amazing heart in the world and i'm blessed to still call her a friend after the shit i've pulled.
peace & love
-j-
comment comment comment... c'mon if you're reading i want to know!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
"By 1:37 exactly Joe"
The past two days have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, and my mind is still reeling from it. I don't want to get into the details, mainly because I don't want to think about it, and partly because well, I don't want you guys to read about it.
This rain, has left me worried, and blessed. As most if not all of you know Middle Tennessee has had some major flood damage, and part of that flood damage has been to my family and friends. It makes me so thankful to know that I'm okay, and that my mom and dad are okay, and that, even though a lot of their houses are messed up... my family is okay as well. I knew yesterday that my grandmothers basement had flooded, that my cousin's Danny and Kim's house was flooded and they were trapped in it for hours (with their grandbaby who is four months old), my cousin Paul and his family are stuck in their subdivision with flooding, my cousin Lynn and his wife have also had flooding. There are various friends outside of families who's houses have flooded. And to me... these people deserved better than a flooded house, or to be trapped in their homes, or at a church (like my other Aunt and Uncle). They've all worked so very hard for what they have, and here I am, hardly worked at all for what I have and I'm safe and sound, along with my belongings?! I'm not complaining believe you me, I'm not, but I do think that I deserve some of it, I don't have a lot to loose, they... they did/do. Years of jobs that they've hated (or loved) familys and children to take care of. I've... lived off of my parents even with a job, and have a dog and cats. They are my children yes, but they are not human lives. It just, it makes me thank God for everything, but it makes me angry with him as well. These people my friends and family didn't deserve to be flooded, I'm sure your friends and family didn't either.
I have great friends, some of which i love dearly, but some of which make me wonder about myself. About what kind of person i'm going to become. Am I going to be someone who's remembered for having a great time, and being funny, but never smart or with a future? Am I going to be remembered as that one girl who dated that guy for a while, even though she was still in love with another guy? Am I going to be remembered as the girl that broke billies heart (along with her own) more than anyone can count? Am i going to be remembered as "that girl"? Like i said emotion roller coaster.
I miss being a child in Colorado, there were fears sure, what kid wasn't scared of being picked on and bullied? i hated it, it happened to me, trust me, i was not ms popular in school, never was. But my friends loved me greatly. Robyn and I (haha) would do the most silly things, one day I talked her into standing in the back of her dad's pick up truck and lifting up our dresses and flashing the cars as they drove by. that's the first time I remember Ida spanking me. I remember making a "fort" in their livingroom floor... we would take bricks and lay down sheets and stick a fan in it, and sleep in it. Or how in 7th grade we finally got to go to school together and I would get in trouble for talking to her in the hall while she was in class. All of my amazing childhood memories come from her and Ivan. Yes, my parents and family are also in there, they kind of had to be there. But we were so... i dunno. In pre-school I had a crush on my pre-school teachers son... Todd. Robyn would make so much fun of me for it, cause i didn't want help from anyone else but Todd. Those days are long gone, and Robyn as her own daughter to raise and take care of. I just wonder if I'll ever be so lucky, to have a child on my own. Deep down for as long as I remember I've just had a feeling that it would never happen. I also had a feeling that i would never see my 25th birthday, well I saw it, i passed it and next year will by my 27th! Let the panic begin...
I always had a time line... I wanted to date a guy for 6 months to a year... be engaged for 6 months, be married for a year and have or be pregnant by the time I was 25. I'm a whole year behind... well farther than that... I'm 26... I'm years behind. I haven't gone to college, I haven't done anything to help myself in life, I've drank a lot, done a lot of drugs, fallen in love twice, still in love now, and broken my heart more than i can think of. I don't know where this blog is going, or why, it's even still here. But this is what I do know, I'm 26, i'm with a man I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life, and I'm like a girl who has never been in a real relationship before, I panic and worry and get jealous and cry and hide it from him and everyone else.
When I laid down to sleep the other night, I had such a pain in my soul, it physically was hurting me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, like I was going to die right that second if I just didn't cry... and with each breath i took, it hurt more, with each tear that fell more pain shot through my soul. I remembered that pain, it's the same pain I felt with I found out Ivan died, it's the same pain i felt when I thought my mom was going to die. And all i wanted was to a small child again so i could sit in my mothers lap and feel safe and okay. I handle death well, I've known it since I was a child, I've known loss since before I can remember. And still I think about them everyday, and everyday it's a different feeling, it's anger, it's hurt, it's pain, it's not understanding, it's not being good enough, it's not being selfless enough, it's guilt, it's love, it's sorrow, it's missing, it's dulled and numb, it's sharp and excruciating. My biological parents, Piper, Shawn, Aunt Juanita, Aunt Ova, Uncle Ewing, Ivan, Emily, Ms Marcia, Cupcake, and so many more that I just can't bare to think of right now.
This has to get out of me sometimes, I can't feel that knife in my soul anymore. I can't go to sleep and cry over spilled milk anymore. So, you blog, and blog readers, I have to start getting this shit out of my mind and on to something thing else, because I can't deal with this shit strictly in my dreams anymore, or I'm going to have an panic attack in my sleep and never wake up. So either you guys stick with me here, or i'll just keep writing like you guys don't read, cause I'm not sure you guys do anyway.
-J-
This rain, has left me worried, and blessed. As most if not all of you know Middle Tennessee has had some major flood damage, and part of that flood damage has been to my family and friends. It makes me so thankful to know that I'm okay, and that my mom and dad are okay, and that, even though a lot of their houses are messed up... my family is okay as well. I knew yesterday that my grandmothers basement had flooded, that my cousin's Danny and Kim's house was flooded and they were trapped in it for hours (with their grandbaby who is four months old), my cousin Paul and his family are stuck in their subdivision with flooding, my cousin Lynn and his wife have also had flooding. There are various friends outside of families who's houses have flooded. And to me... these people deserved better than a flooded house, or to be trapped in their homes, or at a church (like my other Aunt and Uncle). They've all worked so very hard for what they have, and here I am, hardly worked at all for what I have and I'm safe and sound, along with my belongings?! I'm not complaining believe you me, I'm not, but I do think that I deserve some of it, I don't have a lot to loose, they... they did/do. Years of jobs that they've hated (or loved) familys and children to take care of. I've... lived off of my parents even with a job, and have a dog and cats. They are my children yes, but they are not human lives. It just, it makes me thank God for everything, but it makes me angry with him as well. These people my friends and family didn't deserve to be flooded, I'm sure your friends and family didn't either.
I have great friends, some of which i love dearly, but some of which make me wonder about myself. About what kind of person i'm going to become. Am I going to be someone who's remembered for having a great time, and being funny, but never smart or with a future? Am I going to be remembered as that one girl who dated that guy for a while, even though she was still in love with another guy? Am I going to be remembered as the girl that broke billies heart (along with her own) more than anyone can count? Am i going to be remembered as "that girl"? Like i said emotion roller coaster.
I miss being a child in Colorado, there were fears sure, what kid wasn't scared of being picked on and bullied? i hated it, it happened to me, trust me, i was not ms popular in school, never was. But my friends loved me greatly. Robyn and I (haha) would do the most silly things, one day I talked her into standing in the back of her dad's pick up truck and lifting up our dresses and flashing the cars as they drove by. that's the first time I remember Ida spanking me. I remember making a "fort" in their livingroom floor... we would take bricks and lay down sheets and stick a fan in it, and sleep in it. Or how in 7th grade we finally got to go to school together and I would get in trouble for talking to her in the hall while she was in class. All of my amazing childhood memories come from her and Ivan. Yes, my parents and family are also in there, they kind of had to be there. But we were so... i dunno. In pre-school I had a crush on my pre-school teachers son... Todd. Robyn would make so much fun of me for it, cause i didn't want help from anyone else but Todd. Those days are long gone, and Robyn as her own daughter to raise and take care of. I just wonder if I'll ever be so lucky, to have a child on my own. Deep down for as long as I remember I've just had a feeling that it would never happen. I also had a feeling that i would never see my 25th birthday, well I saw it, i passed it and next year will by my 27th! Let the panic begin...
I always had a time line... I wanted to date a guy for 6 months to a year... be engaged for 6 months, be married for a year and have or be pregnant by the time I was 25. I'm a whole year behind... well farther than that... I'm 26... I'm years behind. I haven't gone to college, I haven't done anything to help myself in life, I've drank a lot, done a lot of drugs, fallen in love twice, still in love now, and broken my heart more than i can think of. I don't know where this blog is going, or why, it's even still here. But this is what I do know, I'm 26, i'm with a man I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life, and I'm like a girl who has never been in a real relationship before, I panic and worry and get jealous and cry and hide it from him and everyone else.
When I laid down to sleep the other night, I had such a pain in my soul, it physically was hurting me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, like I was going to die right that second if I just didn't cry... and with each breath i took, it hurt more, with each tear that fell more pain shot through my soul. I remembered that pain, it's the same pain I felt with I found out Ivan died, it's the same pain i felt when I thought my mom was going to die. And all i wanted was to a small child again so i could sit in my mothers lap and feel safe and okay. I handle death well, I've known it since I was a child, I've known loss since before I can remember. And still I think about them everyday, and everyday it's a different feeling, it's anger, it's hurt, it's pain, it's not understanding, it's not being good enough, it's not being selfless enough, it's guilt, it's love, it's sorrow, it's missing, it's dulled and numb, it's sharp and excruciating. My biological parents, Piper, Shawn, Aunt Juanita, Aunt Ova, Uncle Ewing, Ivan, Emily, Ms Marcia, Cupcake, and so many more that I just can't bare to think of right now.
This has to get out of me sometimes, I can't feel that knife in my soul anymore. I can't go to sleep and cry over spilled milk anymore. So, you blog, and blog readers, I have to start getting this shit out of my mind and on to something thing else, because I can't deal with this shit strictly in my dreams anymore, or I'm going to have an panic attack in my sleep and never wake up. So either you guys stick with me here, or i'll just keep writing like you guys don't read, cause I'm not sure you guys do anyway.
-J-
Thursday, April 29, 2010
"oh you know something.... that is nice"
Last time I tripped, I was doing just fine as long as Zombieland was on, and I had something to focus on, then when it was over, I went to the darkest place in my head, I worried about everything, the world randomly exploding and never fixing things with billie. I thought about my biological mother and father, if I have brothers and sisters who will never know who the fuck I am, or that I even exist. Which is a terrible feeling, to be genetically bonded to people and not even existing to them. I need to look into therapy probably, get all of this shit out to someone instead of my laptop, who is warm and comforting only sometimes. Anyway, back to when I was tripping, as i was trying to get myself out of this dark cave that i was mentally in, i would just end up burrowing deeper and deeper. Laying on the couch with my eyes closed in my head blood was everywhere, body parts scattered about my apartment, and it was my body. Like I cut myself into pieces and was leaving my body only to see that my life has really been nothing but a rouse. Then, i just snapped out of it... and I just went to a place in my head when everything was fun and carefree and I was a kid again, playing on a playground with Robyn and Ivan, flying kites and being silly, and everything was okay again. When I came down from the trip I was so sleepy, and as soon as I started to drift off to sleep, I had a series of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. Like being shoved back into this world was just too much for my brain to take, i looked around and saw a man I didn't love instead of the man I did, a messy apartment and no money or car to speak of. It was a harsh reality check, and I want to trip with billie so that when i do come down i'll be able to come down into a world that has the man i love and has always loved close to me, a not shitty apartment, and still no money to speak of, but fuck it, i'll have billie.
If I had a time machine I would do a few things.....
1) Go back to when I was a kid, and just play with Robyn and Ivan at the park, or go swimming in Mulberry Pool, be a kid again.
2) I would have never cheated on billie all of those times, and I would have been better to him the first go around, cause hopefully there would be just that go around and we would still be on that go around.
3) I would go sit in Ivans car and keep him awake so that he wouldn't have fallen asleep behind the wheel and would still be there as a husband, father, son, and brother. I think about Ivan all the time, and I cry every time, I haven't even seen him since I was 16 and my soul just hurts knowing that he's not even in this world. Ivan was my first love I suppose, the first boy i ever liked. I used to get all dressed up and pretty when I found out that Robyn and Ivan were coming over, because I wanted to impress him, I wanted him to marry me and be my husband. The things you do when you're a child.
4) I would go see Piper in the hospital before she died, to tell her that I'll think of her often and miss her dearly.
I've always said that I would never go back and change any part of my life, but honestly, I would and it would be those 4 things.
I think I've shed enough tears over this blog, my eyes sting, and my nose is running, and I don't want to cry anymore.
-J-
Ivan Jacob Loyd
July 31, 1982-
January 6, 2009
If I had a time machine I would do a few things.....
1) Go back to when I was a kid, and just play with Robyn and Ivan at the park, or go swimming in Mulberry Pool, be a kid again.
2) I would have never cheated on billie all of those times, and I would have been better to him the first go around, cause hopefully there would be just that go around and we would still be on that go around.
3) I would go sit in Ivans car and keep him awake so that he wouldn't have fallen asleep behind the wheel and would still be there as a husband, father, son, and brother. I think about Ivan all the time, and I cry every time, I haven't even seen him since I was 16 and my soul just hurts knowing that he's not even in this world. Ivan was my first love I suppose, the first boy i ever liked. I used to get all dressed up and pretty when I found out that Robyn and Ivan were coming over, because I wanted to impress him, I wanted him to marry me and be my husband. The things you do when you're a child.
4) I would go see Piper in the hospital before she died, to tell her that I'll think of her often and miss her dearly.
I've always said that I would never go back and change any part of my life, but honestly, I would and it would be those 4 things.
I think I've shed enough tears over this blog, my eyes sting, and my nose is running, and I don't want to cry anymore.
-J-
July 31, 1982-
January 6, 2009
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
"Mister can I have your watch after you are dead?"
There are somethings I'm just going to have to get the fuck over...
1) I'm never going to find a car in the price range I can afford.
2) I hate my job, and I miss Asurion everyday... I hate Rick Harrod.
3) Three is always a crowd in a single cab truck.
4) I'll never be good with money
5) That I'll never have what -really- want when I -need- it
6) The past haunts... it haunts me, it'll haunt you, and it'll haunt your best friend etc etc.
7) My biological mother and/or father weren't totally honest when it came to mental disorders, I have to had got it from somewhere right?
8) Ex-bosses will never treat you the same ever again, no matter how close you were when you worked there.
9) About 10 other things that are to personal and/or hurtful to myself or someone else to actually post.
I just wrote and deleted about 4 paragraphs... it sucks when what you think, and what you feel, isn't okay to feel by other peoples standards. Partly because it makes them feel guilty, but in a way, you want them to feel guilty... but then you feel guilty for clicking "Publish Post".
-J-
1) I'm never going to find a car in the price range I can afford.
2) I hate my job, and I miss Asurion everyday... I hate Rick Harrod.
3) Three is always a crowd in a single cab truck.
4) I'll never be good with money
5) That I'll never have what -really- want when I -need- it
6) The past haunts... it haunts me, it'll haunt you, and it'll haunt your best friend etc etc.
7) My biological mother and/or father weren't totally honest when it came to mental disorders, I have to had got it from somewhere right?
8) Ex-bosses will never treat you the same ever again, no matter how close you were when you worked there.
9) About 10 other things that are to personal and/or hurtful to myself or someone else to actually post.
I just wrote and deleted about 4 paragraphs... it sucks when what you think, and what you feel, isn't okay to feel by other peoples standards. Partly because it makes them feel guilty, but in a way, you want them to feel guilty... but then you feel guilty for clicking "Publish Post".
-J-
"i can delerlick my own balls"
sitting for an hour waiting for my shift to start... it's my friday, thank god... after yesterday i don't think i could handle two more days in this place. don't get it twisted, all and all my job isn't hard... or bad, i'm just lost here. i don't really get to work next to people so i don't talk and i feel pretty lonely. poor billie has to deal with me when i get home, my neediness wanting more affection and conversation than i typically do because i do so often feel alone for 8-10 hours a day.
i finally made it though the night with a full nights sleep. i think i woke up once because jasta made a noise or billie elbowed me or something. now i'm just sleepy... i finally got sleep and that's all i want to do. i have tomorrow off so at least i can take some naps tomorrow between video games and hanging out with jasta.
my brothers book Historical Tweets came out today... well technically you could buy it online yesterday but i think bookstores starting carrying it today. i'm so proud of him, he has always been such a smart hard working honest amazing brother. he is a marketing genious and probably the most witty person i know. so if you read this, next time you're in a bookstore ask where Historical Tweets is you don't have yo buy it (although i wish you would) but at least flip through it and give yourself a good laugh. there is all kinds of humor in it, something for everyone... yes this is a plug... and fuck no i don't care... it's my blog and i'll plug whatever i want!
maybe we'll be slow and i can walk to billies truck and just chill for a while... maybe i'll just sleepin his truck all night... that would rule, except whe i would have to pee. that could get messy. i wonder what asurions policy of pissing outside is.
-j-
i've fucked up in the past month come home wasted and passed out, never did anything to physically harm anyone, stayed faithful and will stay faithful because i do love billie so much. i've done what he's asked as far as the contact with certian people go that make him uncomfortable. i'm really really trying, and i'm starting to wonder if it's some of that good old fashioned too little to late shit. we've both botched our relationships in the past, we've both shut up and shut down, we've both done things we aren't proud of and we've both waited until the damage was done to repair it. ii'm not gonna do that again, i'm not gonna sit around and wait to work on us when the shit is already bad. i want us to work on us -now- when it's good. and i i wonder if that is something we can -both- do at the same time. if it is something we're both -willing- to do at the same time. voice concerns and fix them, equally.
relationships are hard enough as it is, fixing things that are broken, bruised, cut, scared, burned and ripped to shreads doesn't make things easier. but if you do them the outcome is so much better, it's healthier it's just more gratfying at the end of the day to lay down and sleep soundly without the past haunting you. without wondering if they're lying to you, or not taking what you say seriously, or into account at all.
all i've ever wanted in this worldd is to marry an amazing man and have x2 amazing kids and raise them with love and hugs and kisses never wondering if they're loved. and i can do that with billie if we just learn how to talk and not shut up and shut down. so i guess that's my new daily prayer... strength to heal everything that's hurting us as a couple.
-j-
i finally made it though the night with a full nights sleep. i think i woke up once because jasta made a noise or billie elbowed me or something. now i'm just sleepy... i finally got sleep and that's all i want to do. i have tomorrow off so at least i can take some naps tomorrow between video games and hanging out with jasta.
my brothers book Historical Tweets came out today... well technically you could buy it online yesterday but i think bookstores starting carrying it today. i'm so proud of him, he has always been such a smart hard working honest amazing brother. he is a marketing genious and probably the most witty person i know. so if you read this, next time you're in a bookstore ask where Historical Tweets is you don't have yo buy it (although i wish you would) but at least flip through it and give yourself a good laugh. there is all kinds of humor in it, something for everyone... yes this is a plug... and fuck no i don't care... it's my blog and i'll plug whatever i want!
maybe we'll be slow and i can walk to billies truck and just chill for a while... maybe i'll just sleepin his truck all night... that would rule, except whe i would have to pee. that could get messy. i wonder what asurions policy of pissing outside is.
-j-
i've fucked up in the past month come home wasted and passed out, never did anything to physically harm anyone, stayed faithful and will stay faithful because i do love billie so much. i've done what he's asked as far as the contact with certian people go that make him uncomfortable. i'm really really trying, and i'm starting to wonder if it's some of that good old fashioned too little to late shit. we've both botched our relationships in the past, we've both shut up and shut down, we've both done things we aren't proud of and we've both waited until the damage was done to repair it. ii'm not gonna do that again, i'm not gonna sit around and wait to work on us when the shit is already bad. i want us to work on us -now- when it's good. and i i wonder if that is something we can -both- do at the same time. if it is something we're both -willing- to do at the same time. voice concerns and fix them, equally.
relationships are hard enough as it is, fixing things that are broken, bruised, cut, scared, burned and ripped to shreads doesn't make things easier. but if you do them the outcome is so much better, it's healthier it's just more gratfying at the end of the day to lay down and sleep soundly without the past haunting you. without wondering if they're lying to you, or not taking what you say seriously, or into account at all.
all i've ever wanted in this worldd is to marry an amazing man and have x2 amazing kids and raise them with love and hugs and kisses never wondering if they're loved. and i can do that with billie if we just learn how to talk and not shut up and shut down. so i guess that's my new daily prayer... strength to heal everything that's hurting us as a couple.
-j-
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
"it had to be a clown...."
this no car thing is really starting to wear thin, like an really old piece of lace. i know if i'm sick of it billie has to be even more sick of it... having to loose two hours of his day so i can get to and from work. at least he just works across the street, it could be much worse and i would be screwed. i thought i would have more to write about but apparently i don't.
these dreams i've been having are really starting to bother me. it's stopped being realistic "someone is trying to kill me, someone is trying to rape me" dreams and started being "this is what you've been repressing, this is what's bothering you, this is how this fight would billie would go, this is not going to change, you're not going to change, and he's not going to change" dreams. when all of the dreams you remember having cause you to wake up crying and confused because he's sleeping like nothing happened, you just don't want to go to sleep. it feels like i haven't slept in a week, i have, but never well.
work is work, i've been having a hard time here not making friends, not really trying to either. there is no working side by side with people here when you're picking. there is no chance to get to know the people you work with, unless you already know someone. so it's beeb lonely, so after 10 hours of pretty much not talking all day it's hard to break the cycle and talk at all. but when i do, i won't shut up and it's about nothing important. i feel like i rarely have something of any importance to say. which is funny because of this blog and facebook and the new youtube show with kate (superuberfysuc) i'm talking more. although on the youtube show it's mostly kate. i'm still not confortable being seen by the masses.
i'm starting to become super protective of mine and billies relationship. he works with this cool girl and she makes me nervous... he's never cheated on me and i don't think he would start now, but when he tells me things like "she sat in my truck with me on break" i got mad. i'm totally fine with her... like i said she's a cool chick, i just don't like some chick sitting where i go. i think it's left overr "who's dick syndrom" i spoke about earlier. i'm just a mess, a hot mess.
-j-
these dreams i've been having are really starting to bother me. it's stopped being realistic "someone is trying to kill me, someone is trying to rape me" dreams and started being "this is what you've been repressing, this is what's bothering you, this is how this fight would billie would go, this is not going to change, you're not going to change, and he's not going to change" dreams. when all of the dreams you remember having cause you to wake up crying and confused because he's sleeping like nothing happened, you just don't want to go to sleep. it feels like i haven't slept in a week, i have, but never well.
work is work, i've been having a hard time here not making friends, not really trying to either. there is no working side by side with people here when you're picking. there is no chance to get to know the people you work with, unless you already know someone. so it's beeb lonely, so after 10 hours of pretty much not talking all day it's hard to break the cycle and talk at all. but when i do, i won't shut up and it's about nothing important. i feel like i rarely have something of any importance to say. which is funny because of this blog and facebook and the new youtube show with kate (superuberfysuc) i'm talking more. although on the youtube show it's mostly kate. i'm still not confortable being seen by the masses.
i'm starting to become super protective of mine and billies relationship. he works with this cool girl and she makes me nervous... he's never cheated on me and i don't think he would start now, but when he tells me things like "she sat in my truck with me on break" i got mad. i'm totally fine with her... like i said she's a cool chick, i just don't like some chick sitting where i go. i think it's left overr "who's dick syndrom" i spoke about earlier. i'm just a mess, a hot mess.
-j-
Monday, April 19, 2010
"you mocked me once never do it again... i died that day"
As it seems, billy and i are at a crossroad, we both can't really live comfortably in our own places. and honestly i'm never at my place really, there is no t.v so it's boring. but the kids are there... so we hang there and sleep there if he agrees to. but as it seems money is tight for both of us. he keeps saying things like "you know it would be easier if we lived together" and things such as that. and as much as i love him (i love you baby so much) the thought of us living together so quickly again is scary. the pressure of all of it just worries me, and i'm not sure of the reasons for us living together right now... is it to save money or is because we love each other deeply? i'm not sure i want to live with anyone for the reason of bills again. this is probably a conversation i needed to bring up to him before i posted it all on the good ole interweb, but i just now thought about it and he's had a less than fun day and is worrying about a different world right now. i don't want to pull him out of that.
on a totally different note... work... lets talk work. i like my job at HTDC i seem to be doing it well. but thanks to good old asurion and learning how to pick there i'm holding myself to a higher standard than i probably should. i was sp upset sunday that i just wanted to cry and panic and jump off the IFC second level. billie has had more than enough faith in me for this job, and tries so hard to remind me that i'm still learning, that i need to ease up on myself. but hearing that while it's so wonderful to know he loves me and has the faith of the world in me, makes me feel like i can't let him down with a bad day at work, or a low production. shhhhhiiiiit, i envy his work eithics he works his ass off everyday when no one else will. granted he hates his job, but he's damn good of it... and often proud of the work he does at the end of the day (even if it's cluttered with the raw hatred for asurion). i want to work my ass off like he does and be as good as him... if not better (hey... i've always tried to be like him in one way or another... i just give up cause he's so damn good at so many things). he makes me want to be a better person.
i think i'm loosing my footing on my mind, i'm getting jealous over things that are stupid. not even things that are related to me in anyway. i'm starting to over think every step, every breath, and every blink. my dreams are getting worse, while not waking me up in the middle of the night just more haunting. it makes me wonder what i have in store for me coming up this year. to top it off i can't seem to stand upright i'm wobbling between manic and depressive so quickly now that i can't tell what mood i'm even in. and the thing about that is, i'm happy with my life right now. i have the love of my life (death cannot stop true love), a job, jasta and the kitties, a new car (soon very soon) and what seems to be growing friendships with good peop
e. so yeah i'm happy... i just don't know what mood i'm ever in.
-j-
on a totally different note... work... lets talk work. i like my job at HTDC i seem to be doing it well. but thanks to good old asurion and learning how to pick there i'm holding myself to a higher standard than i probably should. i was sp upset sunday that i just wanted to cry and panic and jump off the IFC second level. billie has had more than enough faith in me for this job, and tries so hard to remind me that i'm still learning, that i need to ease up on myself. but hearing that while it's so wonderful to know he loves me and has the faith of the world in me, makes me feel like i can't let him down with a bad day at work, or a low production. shhhhhiiiiit, i envy his work eithics he works his ass off everyday when no one else will. granted he hates his job, but he's damn good of it... and often proud of the work he does at the end of the day (even if it's cluttered with the raw hatred for asurion). i want to work my ass off like he does and be as good as him... if not better (hey... i've always tried to be like him in one way or another... i just give up cause he's so damn good at so many things). he makes me want to be a better person.
i think i'm loosing my footing on my mind, i'm getting jealous over things that are stupid. not even things that are related to me in anyway. i'm starting to over think every step, every breath, and every blink. my dreams are getting worse, while not waking me up in the middle of the night just more haunting. it makes me wonder what i have in store for me coming up this year. to top it off i can't seem to stand upright i'm wobbling between manic and depressive so quickly now that i can't tell what mood i'm even in. and the thing about that is, i'm happy with my life right now. i have the love of my life (death cannot stop true love), a job, jasta and the kitties, a new car (soon very soon) and what seems to be growing friendships with good peop
e. so yeah i'm happy... i just don't know what mood i'm ever in.
-j-
Saturday, April 17, 2010
"there is a different kind if evil that we should fear the most, and that is the indifference of good men"
My past haunts me in pretty much everyway. my friends have big mouths and don't think when they speak. there is really no way to make that stop, get new friends (but i like mine) or move. i'm liking the idea of moving, starting over somewhere else, a new start, fresh air. it's the weight of my guilt, that keeps me down, that stops me from being better. everything i do that is nice kind and genuine is for those reasons, but it doesn't come across that way in my head sometimes. in my head i think he sees it as something i'm doing to kiss ass or out of guilt. well, it's out of love and nothing more than that.
when i can't sleep through the night because my past has shown up and tapped us on the shoulder and taken yet another talley in the war zone, i have to sleep with it. sleeping with nothing but nightmares filled with failure of the -one- thing i want to work in my life is a large part of my life now.
i'm no angel, never have been, i don't -want- to be... but i do -want- to be a good person with a good heart. and sometimes i just miss things that i shouldn't have missed. how could i ever be so mean? i never mean to. there has to be some classified ad for people looking for a better conscience. i need one sometimes.
i've been nothing but hopeful, and faithful thus far, and i wonder if it's my past and my bad choices that are going to squish this wonderful thing that billie and i have. there is no better feeling than laying down next to the person that you would save,( even if saving them sends you to heaven) wrapping your arms around each other and having the world just melt away. i'm lucky enough to have that everynight thus far. i want nothing more than for my past to fuck off be forgotten and have nothing but the clear beautiful future in fromt of us. sadly, the past allows manages to judo chop us in the throat.
dear god, give me the strength to be a better person, now more than ever i feel the need to be better.
-J-
when i can't sleep through the night because my past has shown up and tapped us on the shoulder and taken yet another talley in the war zone, i have to sleep with it. sleeping with nothing but nightmares filled with failure of the -one- thing i want to work in my life is a large part of my life now.
i'm no angel, never have been, i don't -want- to be... but i do -want- to be a good person with a good heart. and sometimes i just miss things that i shouldn't have missed. how could i ever be so mean? i never mean to. there has to be some classified ad for people looking for a better conscience. i need one sometimes.
i've been nothing but hopeful, and faithful thus far, and i wonder if it's my past and my bad choices that are going to squish this wonderful thing that billie and i have. there is no better feeling than laying down next to the person that you would save,( even if saving them sends you to heaven) wrapping your arms around each other and having the world just melt away. i'm lucky enough to have that everynight thus far. i want nothing more than for my past to fuck off be forgotten and have nothing but the clear beautiful future in fromt of us. sadly, the past allows manages to judo chop us in the throat.
dear god, give me the strength to be a better person, now more than ever i feel the need to be better.
-J-
Friday, April 16, 2010
"Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener"
This is my fourth attempt at writing this blog, I've gotten two sentences in and go, "nope that's horseshit" ::backspace backspace backspace bbbbaaaaccccccckkkkkkssssspppppaaaaaccccceeee:: and the only reason I'm not currently backspacing is, well I'm afraid I'm going to break my backspace key, and that would make me sad, and make for some very horrible blogs, which could be funny if you like terrible spelling, poor grammar, and blogs that pretty much are impossible to read. If that's your bag then, right on, wish me to break my backspace, but I don't really want to.
Now that I wasted all of that time and all of those words, we should get to business.
I posted a status on FB today that said "Sometimes my thoughts are just too much to bare." and it's true, sometimes my brain gets all jumbled in things that don't really matter, like what happens when I'm not around, or what -could- happen when I'm not around. I find myself spacing out and thinking of the worst possible things, I try not to, but it does happen. In this world riddled with media, sex, beauty, violence, and most certain unpleasantries, I try my hardest to see the "sunny side" to keep my chin up and look for the good in everything. But sometimes, when I close my eyes to sleep, or am driving with no music my head goes to these bad places. Thinking the worst thoughts, and when it's about other people, it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough, like I'm not really what they want; either as a friend, lover, sister, daughter, whatever. I was talking to Jeff last night, and we were discussing being healthy and in shape. And I told him that I'm in no means comfortable in my skin, that I don't like my body pretty much in anyway. He was awesome enough to be honest with me and said that he thinks my body is fine, but if I'm not comfortable in it then he would go to the gym with me, and keep me motivated to get the body that I would like. And now upon thinking it, I don't think I'll ever have a body that I like, that I'm proud of. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable enough to walk out on a beach in Miami and not cover up.
Billy tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and he does the sweetest things, for instance... this... Blue October- Balance Beam (cover), followed by roses with a key to his apartment tied around it with a red ribbon (which I made into my current key chain). Billy sometimes seems like the only amazing thing in my life right now, I have a lot of good things, but he's the only thing that when I think of I just relax. I have a hard time showing him that, I think it's left over "who's dick syndrome" cause while I've been a good girl, and have been telling people very clearly that I have a boyfriend and they have no chance not even to bother, I still worry about karma and him doing it to me. Like this is just one cruel joke, like he and everyone else are just sitting around, laughing about how funny it's going to be when the shoe is on the other foot and he breaks my heart. Well, he's broken my heart, not in the same way, but he's broken it before, I just don't want this whole thing to be a rouse. I suppose what I'm saying in all of this muttering, that I'm scared, very scared that the one amazing thing in my life is going to just... poof... dissipate.
Plans for the day, nothing, not going anywhere, just gonna chill at home and try not to kill the kids, while they attempt to kill me. Maybe i'll sit outside and, sit. I dunno.
-J-
Now that I wasted all of that time and all of those words, we should get to business.
I posted a status on FB today that said "Sometimes my thoughts are just too much to bare." and it's true, sometimes my brain gets all jumbled in things that don't really matter, like what happens when I'm not around, or what -could- happen when I'm not around. I find myself spacing out and thinking of the worst possible things, I try not to, but it does happen. In this world riddled with media, sex, beauty, violence, and most certain unpleasantries, I try my hardest to see the "sunny side" to keep my chin up and look for the good in everything. But sometimes, when I close my eyes to sleep, or am driving with no music my head goes to these bad places. Thinking the worst thoughts, and when it's about other people, it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough, like I'm not really what they want; either as a friend, lover, sister, daughter, whatever. I was talking to Jeff last night, and we were discussing being healthy and in shape. And I told him that I'm in no means comfortable in my skin, that I don't like my body pretty much in anyway. He was awesome enough to be honest with me and said that he thinks my body is fine, but if I'm not comfortable in it then he would go to the gym with me, and keep me motivated to get the body that I would like. And now upon thinking it, I don't think I'll ever have a body that I like, that I'm proud of. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable enough to walk out on a beach in Miami and not cover up.
Billy tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and he does the sweetest things, for instance... this... Blue October- Balance Beam (cover), followed by roses with a key to his apartment tied around it with a red ribbon (which I made into my current key chain). Billy sometimes seems like the only amazing thing in my life right now, I have a lot of good things, but he's the only thing that when I think of I just relax. I have a hard time showing him that, I think it's left over "who's dick syndrome" cause while I've been a good girl, and have been telling people very clearly that I have a boyfriend and they have no chance not even to bother, I still worry about karma and him doing it to me. Like this is just one cruel joke, like he and everyone else are just sitting around, laughing about how funny it's going to be when the shoe is on the other foot and he breaks my heart. Well, he's broken my heart, not in the same way, but he's broken it before, I just don't want this whole thing to be a rouse. I suppose what I'm saying in all of this muttering, that I'm scared, very scared that the one amazing thing in my life is going to just... poof... dissipate.
Plans for the day, nothing, not going anywhere, just gonna chill at home and try not to kill the kids, while they attempt to kill me. Maybe i'll sit outside and, sit. I dunno.
-J-
Monday, April 12, 2010
"love is friendship on fire"
Somewhere in the mist of being angry for what happened at work this morning, coming home being aggravated with the animals or "kids" as we call them, taking a nap, watching a couple movies, going to walmart, listening to Spill Canvas, and taking a shower, I've had ever possible mood today. I was nervous, annoyed, pissed, calm, relaxed, aggravated, lazy, sad, happy, impulsive, angry, content, discontent, excited, horny, and pretty much all of the others. And as i was putting my new anti-wrinkle cream on after my shower (yes anti-wrinkle cream... i'll talk about it in a minute) I realized, that typically I don't go through so many moods on days when i drink, or smoke or whatever. And I was thinking about it, as I do, that when i drink, if i start off in a good mood, i'll stay in a good mood, if it's sad i'll stay sad, etc etc etc, and i pretty much decided that when i have some substance in my body my moods typically stay the same as they were when i started drinking or smoking. which is weird for me, because benzos (valum, xanex etc) make me freak out. It's a rule in this house now that if I'm going to be taking any sort of benzo that I'm not to be left alone. It makes me panic instead of calm, Adderall instead of making hyper, alert and focused makes me fall asleep. I stay awake after taking 6 benadryl with no problem, and nyquil makes me hyper and dayquil makes me sleepy. I would typically say that one of this things is probably typical for most people, but most of the time, what the drug is -supposed- to do, it does the opposite. Shrooms make me sleepy, or maybe it's relaxed which is what it's suppose to do, ecstasy makes me roll and does what it's suppose to do.
So as I was saying I was putting my anti-wrinkle cream on my face and had a slight moment of panic. What if using this stuff, makes me wrinkle? What if i use this stuff to save my face (cause lets face it, i don't take good care of myself one bit) and instead it makes me look like a 90 year woman, at 26?! There is no Christian Troy and Sean McNamara in Middle Tennessee! I would be old at 26. That got me thinking about being a mother, and how old that makes ya look sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I think the world -should- have an assload of little me's running around. It would be fucking adorable, you would agree if you saw me as a child. the cutest face ever, and i do mean ever. But besides that Billie and i have talked about having kids, we've been together for so long that it's a normal conversation. I asked him last night if he though I had the patience to raise kids, to be a mother. he of course like any good boyfriend answered quickly with a very firm yes. Truth be told i love kids, just not mine... all the time. hitler, ava, and jasta are quite the handful when they're all hyper. It could just be that they are animals and basically have no understanding of what english is.
Billie has walked through the door, and now I've lost all train of thought.
-J-
So as I was saying I was putting my anti-wrinkle cream on my face and had a slight moment of panic. What if using this stuff, makes me wrinkle? What if i use this stuff to save my face (cause lets face it, i don't take good care of myself one bit) and instead it makes me look like a 90 year woman, at 26?! There is no Christian Troy and Sean McNamara in Middle Tennessee! I would be old at 26. That got me thinking about being a mother, and how old that makes ya look sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I think the world -should- have an assload of little me's running around. It would be fucking adorable, you would agree if you saw me as a child. the cutest face ever, and i do mean ever. But besides that Billie and i have talked about having kids, we've been together for so long that it's a normal conversation. I asked him last night if he though I had the patience to raise kids, to be a mother. he of course like any good boyfriend answered quickly with a very firm yes. Truth be told i love kids, just not mine... all the time. hitler, ava, and jasta are quite the handful when they're all hyper. It could just be that they are animals and basically have no understanding of what english is.
Billie has walked through the door, and now I've lost all train of thought.
-J-
"you have christ between your thighs"
i got to work way too early. it's begun, my decent back into americas workforce where uncle sam can take most of my money and in a poor attempt try to apologize for it once a year. well you know what uncle sam,i'm ofraid it's too late to apologize.
now that, that's out of my system, and while i have a minute, i want to thank two people for having more faith in me than i have in myself on a good day. momma, and billie. i spoke with both of them about my rattled nerves for this job and they told me the same thing. i'm pretty lucky to have such a badass mom -and- boyfriend.
it's time for the plunge... wish me luck and smarts.... i'm going to need it.
Well... after waiting for 40 minutes on the man that was suppose to train us, "that guy" (as his name tag reads) informed us, that HTDC just realized he wasn't there today. WTF?! First... we were told not to be late, or miss today because our assignment would be ended. That training is something scheduled for a few weeks ahead of time and that it doesn't happen often, so if we missed it, we would have no job. So I woke -my- ass up at 8:00am to be there to be -trained- at 10:00am. I got there early, sat around wasted my gas and my time only for the -trainer- NOT to be there, hypocritical much? So now, I get to miss another 6-8 hours on my paycheck for their fuck up. And I get to wake my ass up at 8:00am -again- instead of noon. Awesome.
At least I got to wake up next to billie in our bed this morning, and yesterday morning as well. It was so nice to roll over and see his face, and have him slip his arm around me and just hold me. Even after waking up ass early and wasting gas, it's going to be a good day, i can feel it in my soul.
J
now that, that's out of my system, and while i have a minute, i want to thank two people for having more faith in me than i have in myself on a good day. momma, and billie. i spoke with both of them about my rattled nerves for this job and they told me the same thing. i'm pretty lucky to have such a badass mom -and- boyfriend.
it's time for the plunge... wish me luck and smarts.... i'm going to need it.
Well... after waiting for 40 minutes on the man that was suppose to train us, "that guy" (as his name tag reads) informed us, that HTDC just realized he wasn't there today. WTF?! First... we were told not to be late, or miss today because our assignment would be ended. That training is something scheduled for a few weeks ahead of time and that it doesn't happen often, so if we missed it, we would have no job. So I woke -my- ass up at 8:00am to be there to be -trained- at 10:00am. I got there early, sat around wasted my gas and my time only for the -trainer- NOT to be there, hypocritical much? So now, I get to miss another 6-8 hours on my paycheck for their fuck up. And I get to wake my ass up at 8:00am -again- instead of noon. Awesome.
At least I got to wake up next to billie in our bed this morning, and yesterday morning as well. It was so nice to roll over and see his face, and have him slip his arm around me and just hold me. Even after waking up ass early and wasting gas, it's going to be a good day, i can feel it in my soul.
J
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
"Are you ready to let the dogs out?"
The tables have started to turn, hopefully that doesn't mean I'll loose something to keep the scales even. I finally got a call back on the Hot Topic job that I wanted. the shifts are almost perfect coinciding with Billies, which is good. We'll have different days off, but we'll have Saturdays together still, which is better than no days.
There are these moments when I just know that there has to be some sort of God watching out for me and making sure that my life gets put together when I think it's just going to fall into pieces. And getting the call about the job, was one of those moments. Thinking about those moments I've realized that I get a lot more of them than I realize. One of those moments in-particular is when Billie text me back with a little bit of planted knowledge from a friend, that moment was one of the most confusing refreshing moments in my life.
I know a lot of you are still confused by the happenings of this past week, and someone of you are hurt by them. To those of you hurt, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you but there is a driving force that happens when I'm with him that I've never had before, and it's not something I'm willing to give up this time around. To those of you confused by it, well, if you've known Billie and I together, when it's good and when we're like we are now then you understand. If you've known us when it's not good, and like it has been in the past, you know how much it hurts both of us when we're like that, so then still you should understand. And if you don't understand at all, then you probably weren't the friend that you thought you were in the first place.
I'm nervous about going back to work, just like a child going to school for the first time. You want people to like you, you want to do your best, you want to fit in. You want to sit at the popular table and make people laugh. I want to do all of those things except, I don't want to fit in exactly, I want to be liked but not well liked, I want to do my best but not bust my ass for nothing in return and I want to make people laugh. Lets face it, I'm pretty funny. I'm also nervous because of Billie, because I know he'll be nervous about some "D.L" or "C.B" working there and trying to tell me that I'm in a bad relationship. Well, here is a little known fact about my history with Billie, I've never cheated when things are good, not once. Only when things sucked. And here is another little known fact that would probably do some good for you guys to know, we've discussed what to do when it looks like a rut may be coming upon us. We're not going to take this relationship lying down, we're not going to let things go for days and weeks without talking about them. We're going to pull each other up out of tilts and help each other stand tall and proud of our lives no matter how rough things get.
To my friends that worry you'll never see me out and about anymore, don't worry, I'll be out, and I'll be the same fun Jess that I was my entire life, but, I'll have a boyfriend who I'll stand by and be faithful to. It's in writing, it's a contract now technically, and I'm not one for law suites. So with that, it's time for me to sing in the shower and make the neighbors want to shoot themselves in the face, I've got a man coming home at 11:30 and he needs to have a not so gross girlfriend waiting on him.
-J-
There are these moments when I just know that there has to be some sort of God watching out for me and making sure that my life gets put together when I think it's just going to fall into pieces. And getting the call about the job, was one of those moments. Thinking about those moments I've realized that I get a lot more of them than I realize. One of those moments in-particular is when Billie text me back with a little bit of planted knowledge from a friend, that moment was one of the most confusing refreshing moments in my life.
I know a lot of you are still confused by the happenings of this past week, and someone of you are hurt by them. To those of you hurt, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you but there is a driving force that happens when I'm with him that I've never had before, and it's not something I'm willing to give up this time around. To those of you confused by it, well, if you've known Billie and I together, when it's good and when we're like we are now then you understand. If you've known us when it's not good, and like it has been in the past, you know how much it hurts both of us when we're like that, so then still you should understand. And if you don't understand at all, then you probably weren't the friend that you thought you were in the first place.
I'm nervous about going back to work, just like a child going to school for the first time. You want people to like you, you want to do your best, you want to fit in. You want to sit at the popular table and make people laugh. I want to do all of those things except, I don't want to fit in exactly, I want to be liked but not well liked, I want to do my best but not bust my ass for nothing in return and I want to make people laugh. Lets face it, I'm pretty funny. I'm also nervous because of Billie, because I know he'll be nervous about some "D.L" or "C.B" working there and trying to tell me that I'm in a bad relationship. Well, here is a little known fact about my history with Billie, I've never cheated when things are good, not once. Only when things sucked. And here is another little known fact that would probably do some good for you guys to know, we've discussed what to do when it looks like a rut may be coming upon us. We're not going to take this relationship lying down, we're not going to let things go for days and weeks without talking about them. We're going to pull each other up out of tilts and help each other stand tall and proud of our lives no matter how rough things get.
To my friends that worry you'll never see me out and about anymore, don't worry, I'll be out, and I'll be the same fun Jess that I was my entire life, but, I'll have a boyfriend who I'll stand by and be faithful to. It's in writing, it's a contract now technically, and I'm not one for law suites. So with that, it's time for me to sing in the shower and make the neighbors want to shoot themselves in the face, I've got a man coming home at 11:30 and he needs to have a not so gross girlfriend waiting on him.
-J-
Monday, April 5, 2010
"You wanna play games? I know a shit ton of games!"
I don't want this weekend to be over, it's been so much like heaven. There are no amount of words that can cover the feeling if having your very best friend back into your life. I was thinking about what happened between billie and i this last time when we spilt up, or rather when i broke his heart (and my own in the process) how i prayed for God to give me an answer on what would be best for me. I prayed and prayed, God said chris. i went the chris path. it obviously was for more reasons then i thought it would be. in my last post i talked about how much i thought about the mistakes that i made with him over the past 6 years. and thinking about the chris situation i realized what i needed to do to keep things good and healthy with billie this time around. how i need to keep myself open, not only by talking, but by keeping an open mind to not only his life but what i can do to improve upon my own life. it was a breath of fresh air in a gas chamber. don't get me wrong, chris was a good boyfriend and cared very much so about me as a person and my life. i'll always be thankful for that. i think what i'm trying to get at, is not that God answered my prayers when i needed him, but that he did it in a way that would make my life better. i knew somewhere deep down that there will never be a love quite like this in my life. and i know upfront and honestly that i don't want another love in my life besides billie. he makes things so quiet in my head when there is nothing but voices and screams. i don't know why i feel the need to put this online, or even type it out, but i did and it's here and i'm happy, so very happy.
"i don't want to be the one to let you down...."
-J-
"i don't want to be the one to let you down...."
-J-
Sunday, April 4, 2010
"Dude I totally missed you..."
There is a difference between talking to someone and taaaaaaaaaaaalking to someone. You know, conversations can be lighthearted and they can be so deep that you don't even realize that you're opening your own eyes by opening your mouth. I, can talk to -anyone-, about almost anything, at anytime; that's just the way I work, but I can't really really talk to anyone. Except him, my best friend, my lover, my buttercup, and my favorite book; we've been talking and talking and talking and talking, about everything near and far, above and beyond the way that we've ever talking before.
For a long time, before things ended between Billie and I, I thought that I couldn't feel anything, I thought that numbness was- love, anger, hatred, stress, depression, happiness, contentment, and discombobulation. I turned myself off, like a light switch, because numb was much better than actual feelings. Turns out, actual feelings when felt with the correct person can make you fly, not literally, although that would be utterly super bad ass.
I'm gonna catch a lot of shit, for working things out with Billie, a lot, from a lot of people. And they can shove it right up that tight little hole that poop comes out of. (YOU HEAR ME?! SHOVE IT!) Billie is going to catch way more than I am, period. I don't think people understand the whole that you feel when your best friend is -gone-. When your best friend -hates- you, when your best friend wants to -die- without their other half. I don't want to die, ever, not with my best friend rockin' my right side. But that feeling off all of that leaves you voided and empty and like you don't have half of your mind, heart, or soul.
I think I did a lot of growing up, this past month, a lot of looking back and realizing what mistakes I had made, not this past time with Billie, but all of the mistakes with him for the past 6 years. We needed a break him and I, and we never did it correctly, and we never did it in a painless way, wait wait wait, -I- never did it correctly, and -I- never did it in a painless way. We both needed to get things right in our heads (we both still do) which is why we're not moving in together, we're not crowding each other, we're not going to be around each other 24 hours a day. We needed the smoke to clear and the dust to settle and the hurt to fade just a little bit, I needed to know how it felt to miss him, I needed to know he was swapping sides, I needed to call him in a month or two and have him hang up the phone.
The point to all of this is, 1- I love Billie, you may not understand it, and you never will if you don't already. 2- I have my best friend back, there for I'm whole again. and 3- Billie---- dude i totally miss you, i really fucking miss you, im all alone, all the time, all the time, dude i totally miss you, the things we do together, where have you gone?totally miss the honesty, and special times and honestly, i totally miss the fucked up things you do.
-J-
For a long time, before things ended between Billie and I, I thought that I couldn't feel anything, I thought that numbness was- love, anger, hatred, stress, depression, happiness, contentment, and discombobulation. I turned myself off, like a light switch, because numb was much better than actual feelings. Turns out, actual feelings when felt with the correct person can make you fly, not literally, although that would be utterly super bad ass.
I'm gonna catch a lot of shit, for working things out with Billie, a lot, from a lot of people. And they can shove it right up that tight little hole that poop comes out of. (YOU HEAR ME?! SHOVE IT!) Billie is going to catch way more than I am, period. I don't think people understand the whole that you feel when your best friend is -gone-. When your best friend -hates- you, when your best friend wants to -die- without their other half. I don't want to die, ever, not with my best friend rockin' my right side. But that feeling off all of that leaves you voided and empty and like you don't have half of your mind, heart, or soul.
I think I did a lot of growing up, this past month, a lot of looking back and realizing what mistakes I had made, not this past time with Billie, but all of the mistakes with him for the past 6 years. We needed a break him and I, and we never did it correctly, and we never did it in a painless way, wait wait wait, -I- never did it correctly, and -I- never did it in a painless way. We both needed to get things right in our heads (we both still do) which is why we're not moving in together, we're not crowding each other, we're not going to be around each other 24 hours a day. We needed the smoke to clear and the dust to settle and the hurt to fade just a little bit, I needed to know how it felt to miss him, I needed to know he was swapping sides, I needed to call him in a month or two and have him hang up the phone.
The point to all of this is, 1- I love Billie, you may not understand it, and you never will if you don't already. 2- I have my best friend back, there for I'm whole again. and 3- Billie---- dude i totally miss you, i really fucking miss you, im all alone, all the time, all the time, dude i totally miss you, the things we do together, where have you gone?totally miss the honesty, and special times and honestly, i totally miss the fucked up things you do.
-J-
Friday, April 2, 2010
"Sort your fucking life out mate!"
So it is, just like you said it would be, life so easy on me, most of the time.
To people that actually follow my blog have probably noticed that it's all deleted. When I started writing this blog I intended to write about every aspect of my life good and bad. And I did quite candidly, pictures and all. Now, I don't want so much of my life to be aired like laundry, or my body to be posted up for everyone to see. I hid my blogs from my family knowing that they would be disappointed in me if they came across it for any reason. I've always preached about family being the most important thing, and I lost site of that. I know my family is by no means proud of me, if anything I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak. Hell, to me I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak.
Chris and I have split up, he moved out last night when he got off of work. A lot of people thought it was an April Fools joke, it wasn't, at all. Now, I've backed myself into a corner as far as rent and bills go. I don't even have electric in my name right now. Which means I'm violating my lease and am probably going to get evicted anyway. I thought I would be working by now, but Select Staffing still has no job openings at all. And if they did I would have no way to know about it because my phone is cut off. I'm sure this sounds like a pity party, and I don't want your pity or your parties.I'm 26, on the verge of being homeless with no (working) car, no (working) cell phone, and debt up to my ears.
I don't want to be here in this mess, I want to keep my head out of the water, and I thought I was. I'm 2000 leagues under the sea and I just ran out of oxygen in my dive tank. This could have all been avoided if I wasn't so impulsive, or if I just stopped to think about what I was doing for more than 2 seconds. There is a line between over-thinking and under-thinking, and I haven't found it yet. I walk and talk big game about how I know what I want to do with my life, when it comes down to it, I still just want to get married and have babies. Well, getting married and having babies doesn't pay bills, as a matter of fact it does the opposite of that. Working in warehouses and restaurants for the rest of my life is no answer either, it'll pay the bills but I don't want to be some 40 year old working in a warehouse because I don't know how to do anything else.
There has to be some major changes that happen in my life, and they need to happen -now-, not two months from now, not two years from now, but like 2 years ago. I'm about to go have lunch with my mom, which I'm really nervous about because, I know how upset she is at me, I know how much I've disappointed her, and I know how much I've hurt them. Also because we're going to the bank, and either one of three things is going to happen. Either she's cutting off my bank account from hers, canceling it period, or she's gonna pull out my "trust" money and dig me out of this hole. Either way, it's not going to a fun event listening to how much I've let her down, and how much I've hurt them.
This blog has been longer than I intended it to be, and I don't know how much I'll blog from here on out, or if I will at all. The world may never know.
Jess
To people that actually follow my blog have probably noticed that it's all deleted. When I started writing this blog I intended to write about every aspect of my life good and bad. And I did quite candidly, pictures and all. Now, I don't want so much of my life to be aired like laundry, or my body to be posted up for everyone to see. I hid my blogs from my family knowing that they would be disappointed in me if they came across it for any reason. I've always preached about family being the most important thing, and I lost site of that. I know my family is by no means proud of me, if anything I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak. Hell, to me I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak.
Chris and I have split up, he moved out last night when he got off of work. A lot of people thought it was an April Fools joke, it wasn't, at all. Now, I've backed myself into a corner as far as rent and bills go. I don't even have electric in my name right now. Which means I'm violating my lease and am probably going to get evicted anyway. I thought I would be working by now, but Select Staffing still has no job openings at all. And if they did I would have no way to know about it because my phone is cut off. I'm sure this sounds like a pity party, and I don't want your pity or your parties.I'm 26, on the verge of being homeless with no (working) car, no (working) cell phone, and debt up to my ears.
I don't want to be here in this mess, I want to keep my head out of the water, and I thought I was. I'm 2000 leagues under the sea and I just ran out of oxygen in my dive tank. This could have all been avoided if I wasn't so impulsive, or if I just stopped to think about what I was doing for more than 2 seconds. There is a line between over-thinking and under-thinking, and I haven't found it yet. I walk and talk big game about how I know what I want to do with my life, when it comes down to it, I still just want to get married and have babies. Well, getting married and having babies doesn't pay bills, as a matter of fact it does the opposite of that. Working in warehouses and restaurants for the rest of my life is no answer either, it'll pay the bills but I don't want to be some 40 year old working in a warehouse because I don't know how to do anything else.
There has to be some major changes that happen in my life, and they need to happen -now-, not two months from now, not two years from now, but like 2 years ago. I'm about to go have lunch with my mom, which I'm really nervous about because, I know how upset she is at me, I know how much I've disappointed her, and I know how much I've hurt them. Also because we're going to the bank, and either one of three things is going to happen. Either she's cutting off my bank account from hers, canceling it period, or she's gonna pull out my "trust" money and dig me out of this hole. Either way, it's not going to a fun event listening to how much I've let her down, and how much I've hurt them.
This blog has been longer than I intended it to be, and I don't know how much I'll blog from here on out, or if I will at all. The world may never know.
Jess
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