Last time I tripped, I was doing just fine as long as Zombieland was on, and I had something to focus on, then when it was over, I went to the darkest place in my head, I worried about everything, the world randomly exploding and never fixing things with billie. I thought about my biological mother and father, if I have brothers and sisters who will never know who the fuck I am, or that I even exist. Which is a terrible feeling, to be genetically bonded to people and not even existing to them. I need to look into therapy probably, get all of this shit out to someone instead of my laptop, who is warm and comforting only sometimes. Anyway, back to when I was tripping, as i was trying to get myself out of this dark cave that i was mentally in, i would just end up burrowing deeper and deeper. Laying on the couch with my eyes closed in my head blood was everywhere, body parts scattered about my apartment, and it was my body. Like I cut myself into pieces and was leaving my body only to see that my life has really been nothing but a rouse. Then, i just snapped out of it... and I just went to a place in my head when everything was fun and carefree and I was a kid again, playing on a playground with Robyn and Ivan, flying kites and being silly, and everything was okay again. When I came down from the trip I was so sleepy, and as soon as I started to drift off to sleep, I had a series of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. Like being shoved back into this world was just too much for my brain to take, i looked around and saw a man I didn't love instead of the man I did, a messy apartment and no money or car to speak of. It was a harsh reality check, and I want to trip with billie so that when i do come down i'll be able to come down into a world that has the man i love and has always loved close to me, a not shitty apartment, and still no money to speak of, but fuck it, i'll have billie.
If I had a time machine I would do a few things.....
1) Go back to when I was a kid, and just play with Robyn and Ivan at the park, or go swimming in Mulberry Pool, be a kid again.
2) I would have never cheated on billie all of those times, and I would have been better to him the first go around, cause hopefully there would be just that go around and we would still be on that go around.
3) I would go sit in Ivans car and keep him awake so that he wouldn't have fallen asleep behind the wheel and would still be there as a husband, father, son, and brother. I think about Ivan all the time, and I cry every time, I haven't even seen him since I was 16 and my soul just hurts knowing that he's not even in this world. Ivan was my first love I suppose, the first boy i ever liked. I used to get all dressed up and pretty when I found out that Robyn and Ivan were coming over, because I wanted to impress him, I wanted him to marry me and be my husband. The things you do when you're a child.
4) I would go see Piper in the hospital before she died, to tell her that I'll think of her often and miss her dearly.
I've always said that I would never go back and change any part of my life, but honestly, I would and it would be those 4 things.
I think I've shed enough tears over this blog, my eyes sting, and my nose is running, and I don't want to cry anymore.
-J-
Ivan Jacob Loyd
July 31, 1982-
January 6, 2009
