"love is friendship on fire"

Somewhere in the mist of being angry for what happened at work this morning, coming home being aggravated with the animals or "kids" as we call them, taking a nap, watching a couple movies, going to walmart, listening to Spill Canvas, and taking a shower, I've had ever possible mood today. I was nervous, annoyed, pissed, calm, relaxed, aggravated, lazy, sad, happy, impulsive, angry, content, discontent, excited, horny, and pretty much all of the others. And as i was putting my new anti-wrinkle cream on after my shower (yes anti-wrinkle cream... i'll talk about it in a minute) I realized, that typically I don't go through so many moods on days when i drink, or smoke or whatever. And I was thinking about it, as I do, that when i drink, if i start off in a good mood, i'll stay in a good mood, if it's sad i'll stay sad, etc etc etc, and i pretty much decided that when i have some substance in my body my moods typically stay the same as they were when i started drinking or smoking. which is weird for me, because benzos (valum, xanex etc) make me freak out. It's a rule in this house now that if I'm going to be taking any sort of benzo that I'm not to be left alone. It makes me panic instead of calm, Adderall instead of making hyper, alert and focused makes me fall asleep. I stay awake after taking 6 benadryl with no problem, and nyquil makes me hyper and dayquil makes me sleepy. I would typically say that one of this things is probably typical for most people, but most of the time, what the drug is -supposed- to do, it does the opposite.  Shrooms make me sleepy, or maybe it's relaxed which is what it's suppose to do, ecstasy makes me roll and does what it's suppose to do.

So as I was saying I was putting my anti-wrinkle cream on my face and had a slight moment of panic. What if using this stuff, makes me wrinkle? What if i use this stuff to save my face (cause lets face it, i don't take good care of myself one bit) and instead it makes me look like a 90 year woman, at 26?! There is no Christian Troy and Sean McNamara in Middle Tennessee! I would be old at 26. That got me thinking about being a mother, and how old that makes ya look sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I think the world -should- have an assload of little me's running around. It would be fucking adorable, you would agree if you saw me as a child. the cutest face ever, and i do mean ever. But besides that Billie and i have talked about having kids, we've been together for so long that it's a normal conversation. I asked him last night if he though I had the patience to raise kids, to be a mother. he of course like any good boyfriend answered quickly with a very firm yes. Truth be told i love kids, just not mine... all the time. hitler, ava, and jasta are quite the handful when they're all hyper. It could just be that they are animals and basically have no understanding of what english is.

Billie has walked through the door, and now I've lost all train of thought.

-J- 

"you have christ between your thighs"

i got to work way too early. it's begun, my decent back into americas workforce where uncle sam can take most of my money and in a poor attempt try to apologize for it once a year. well you know what uncle sam,i'm ofraid it's too late to apologize.

now that, that's out of my system, and while i have a minute, i want to thank two people for having more faith in me than i have in myself on a good day. momma, and billie. i spoke with both of them about my rattled nerves for this job and they told me the same thing. i'm pretty lucky to have such a badass mom -and- boyfriend.

it's time for the plunge... wish me luck and smarts.... i'm going to need it.


Well... after waiting for 40 minutes on the man that was suppose to train us, "that guy" (as his name tag reads) informed us, that HTDC just realized he wasn't there today. WTF?! First... we were told not to be late, or miss today because our assignment would be ended. That training is something scheduled for a few weeks ahead of time and that it doesn't happen often, so if we missed it, we would have no job. So I woke -my- ass up at 8:00am to be there to be -trained- at 10:00am. I got there early, sat around wasted my gas and my time only for the -trainer- NOT to be there, hypocritical much? So now, I get to miss another 6-8 hours on my paycheck for their fuck up. And I get to wake my ass up at 8:00am -again- instead of noon. Awesome.


At least I got to wake up next to billie in our bed this morning, and yesterday morning as well. It was so nice to roll over and see his face, and have him slip his arm around me and just hold me. Even after waking up ass early and wasting gas, it's going to be a good day, i can feel it in my soul.

J