"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you."

I don't really know where this blog is going to go, I have no general idea of what I want to write about, I just need to write right now.

I realize that I'm not the only person in the world who has had a bad day, shit compared to most people in America i don't have a lot of bitching room. I have a job (that i'm forcing myself to go to daily because i hate it), I have friends (who are super busy with their own lives and schedules that it's hard to talk to or keep up with), I have a roof over my head (technically two roofs since i stay with billie but have my own place), I have money to buy food to put in my stomach, I have an amazing family who support me no matter what stupid thing i do, I have an awesome boyfriend... nope not a whole lot of bitching room. So why is it i feel the need to bitch, not just to billie or my friends, but to the internet?! "I don't have a car..." "I hate my job..." blah blah blah. I can see my own interest in this blog falling off, how can i expect others to read it and not be like "oh god she's bitching again." And see... now, I'm bitching about bitching.

there has to be something that is a problem that i'm failing to see, or ignoring the existence of. Do I need validation through a blog, and it's comments, through facebook and the comments on there? Because I'm starting to think that I do, and that alone is a problem. where as that self esteem gone? Where is that Jess that people love? Oh that's right, -that- Jess is drunk in a bar, and this Jess is living in the real world. But here is the thing, I don't really like being drunk Jess in a bar, not on a regular basis anyway. I like it from time to time so I can hang out with some peeps that are bad ass, (who i hope take zero offense to this particular part of my blog). And there are reasons that I'm not there all the time, money, transportation, the thing that gives me a sick feeling in my stomach, and because i've got a case of the spring blues. Funny, here I was thinking that I only get the blues in the fall and winter. i hope this isn't a progressing thing, the blues. I don't want the blues year round, I don't want them for part of the year, or a second of the year. Yet the blues just seem to prop themselves up on my shoulders and scream so loudly into my ear that sometimes, I honestly think I'm loosing my mind.

i noticed today, how jumpy I am, how i talk to myself more and more, and how when i fuck up something at work (go to the wrong location try to scan it and get the error message) i cuss at the item. How i can feel myself just slipping away from being mentally sound. and i wonder how those people at work view me, not because i really care (some of them i do care about because they're nice to me because they want to be, not because i smoke also), i wonder if they just go... "that girl is loosing her mind today, did you see her do that? she's fucked up she's got to be high or something." and some of them i know for a fact do that because i've heard them talk shit about me, and make fun of me. and that's fine, if they hate let em hate right? at one point today, I was picking just minding my own business and working my ass off and tears just started pouring down my face, i wasn't crying but my eyes were. I didn't feel more sad than usual, but my body made me cry... i wasn't even thinking of anything sad... as a matter of fact i was thinking of a funny movie that has -never- made me sad. So there i am, picking, with a half smile on my face and crying involuntarily, awesome I know.

I think all i need/ed was just a hug, or something someone to ask what was wrong, how i'm doing, if i'm okay, if they can do anything to help.. something someone to care for two whole seconds that i was having a pretty terrible day. but i suppose people are just too wrapped up in themselves to ask someone who always asks them how they are, and how their day is going to return the favor when it's needed. all and all i think i'm just lonely at work, and lonely in general sometimes. but what can you expect from the girl who is a million miles away, and in her own world where things are probably much worse than out in the world with everyone else.

I hate the general answers to how are you... "fine" "good" "chillin"... well, guess what fuckers if -i- ask how -you- are, i dont want a general answer, if i did i wouldn't even bother asking it in the first place. Granted i don't want to know about how the rash that you got from fucking some random person at a bar is effecting your ability to drive your car comfortably... but a real answer would be nice once in a while.

All of these people in this world and everyone just gives a shit about themselves. So to those of you that just give a shit about yourself, tomorrow, ask someone how their day is, and if they give you a real honest answer, fucking listen.

this world can burn and start over again for all i care, maybe some humanity will stick this time around.

-J-

"no more rhyming i mean it"

stupid weather, i'm starting to think that stupid rainy weather gives me to blues, which turns into bad dreams. or vice versa... either way it sucks and i do not like it.

so, there is something i need to get the fuck over. her. i trust billie, i know he's not going to cheat on me, and i know he loves me so much, i mean... after all i've put him through he still wants me by his side. so what is my issue with her? where is it coming from? there is (i think) an aspect of her that reminds me of krista during chelsea place... it's the same gut feeling. but i'm trying to ignore it, but i just get so filled with jealousy that it eats me alive a little bit. maybe part of me thinks that i deserve to have him cheat on me (which i don't want to happen). maybe it's just the fear of it that is fueling the green flame. i feel dumb having these feelings because when he kisses me i can feel it all over, it shakes me to the core. so it is pretty fucking retarded these jealous feelings.

i got an email from chris, telling me that it's not that he doesn't want anything to do with me, but it would be better for billie and i if we didn't speak. i got this email after -he- emailed -billie- i thinl trying to make a friendship of some sorts. and saying that he had no intention of ever talking to me again. with that i ask WTF?! Who in their correct mind would do that? 'hey dude i wanna be friends i won't talk to your chick anymore' 'hey jess i don't want to be out of total contact with you'... either way you slice it it equals uncool.

i hope work is busy so this day can fly by and i can be on the couch curled up with billie relaxing and being happy.

with that i have nothing else to say...

comment comment comment- i want to know who's out there.


-J-