"Dying is easy, it's living that is hard."

Now seems like as good as a time as any to blog about whatever is in my head... which trust me is a lot. Do you remember a time in your life when you were a strong soulful person, when sticks and stones hurt you but words would never? well, i do too, and i miss that honestly. Over the past few years i've evolved into this woman who acted on emotion alone, good emotion. Now, bad emotion controls my life, and that's a terrible feeling to have. to wake up and see the one cloud in the sky, instead of waking up and seeing the silver lining. Somehow, i can still find good in most people, but i've lost the good in myself. i'm mean. I didn't realize how mean i was, until i found out that i come with warning labels. Well, sorry, this jaded soul doesn't know how to keep her thoughts to herself.

I've been dealing with my "issues" better lately, i'm still too sensitive for my own liking, but when you're made of soft things it's hard to pretend to be a rock. I mean, at first... rock... yes I love being a fucking rock... being a rock is awesome. Then, you notice that the earth makes you move, and it cracks you and the water starts to soften you up, and you start to be washed away... so it's hard to stay a rock. You  turn into sand, and if your lucky you turn into a special kind of sand that is strong and beautiful and people want you, and you go to them, and you start to trust these people... then they throw you into a fire... and start rolling you around and blowing you... and the next thing you know... you're a glass. a drinking glass, one that people pay a lot of money for, but you still are a glass that people use, and drop, and put in a dishwasher because they don't care enough for you to hand-wash you. Do you know how hard it is to stop being a glass and turn back into a rock? i don't think that process has been proven by science yet, i hope they get on the glass into rock technology because i could really use it.

today, i've been called a heartless bitch, i've been called a whore, i've been called ugly, and i've been told that things only get better for a while before they go back to shit. In the response to being a heartless bitch- "better me than you", the response to being a whore- none yet stated, the response to being called ugly- "I'm not ugly, but i know at least i'm decent looking.". and my response to things will all go back to shit, that it's just a temporary solution is- "fuck you, what do you know?".

I apparently have to deal with who i am, well no shit! Yeah i have to face my choices on a daily basis, yes i have to look my old self in the eyes everyday as i brush my teeth, but the wonderful thing about that is, everyday, i look and see someone i like more and more everyday. it's not always a huge difference, sometimes i look at myself and see myself take a step back into my old self. But, the thing about hating your old self is... that you no longer want to be your old self... so you flight and you claw so that, you, just don't have to see that same look in your eyes day by day.

as for the cheating and the being a bad girlfriend, you know, when all has been forgiven and both parties still want to make things good and wonderful and there is so much love that sometimes your soul burns, well then, maybe you can start forgiving yourself for bad choices. and when being a bad girlfriend is on the line, chances are, you know what makes you so terrible, and if they can talk to you about it and you can listen and absorb everything in without tears then you can change for the better. Tears, they cloud and burn, they cloud your vision, and the burn your eyes and your soul. if your eyes burn, so does your soul.

I'm not the best human on the earth, not by leaps and bounds, but i have a boyfriend who even after all i've put him though loves me enough to be up front and honest with me about everything (well almost everything... everyone has secrets) so i can't be all  bad now can i? he kisses me no matter my face, my breast size, or how fat i may or may not be. i might be a daughter of the devil, but i was raised by angels... so the fight is never even or fair... but at least i put up one.

Sorry if this was all over the place... but i'm... all over the place.

-J-

(yes i know it's not a movie quote.... comment comment comment.)