"You, can't handle the truth"

The woods fly by my face as if I'm standing still and they are the things moving. I keep looking for those two eyes  standing out hidden in the trunks and the brush holding a bottle of wine with the year 2000 dripping of my bloods innocence. He's the one that haunts my dreams, the one that snuck me in the door, the one that handed me, my own guilt in a glass and filled his with the last breath of humanity i had. He smiled and said words that made me think i was queen of the world, and always would be, said the words... all the words. But his actions screamed differently, they turned my white cloak into black, they turned my fearless smile into a fearful smile. I was made to be the filthy one, in the wrong, the one who should have known better. The one left crying and screaming at her home. He grew wings, changed his name and face the next day in his own place. He still stands with a mouse trap in his two hands to attack and break down, the next innocent girl's smile into a real heart wrenching frown. When I stare into the woods flying by now, my fear of the man with the red shirt is in the back of my mind, the man with the mouse trap, the camera, and the wine... he's the one that keeps me awake at night. He's the one that turned me into such the sad clown.

I wrote this via text to myself on the longest car ride I've had to date. It was like... I spent the last few days in a dream where I could be myself and leave things behind. Where I wasn't in someone's shadow, where I had my own shadow, and thoughts and opinions and people they listened. And I had to drive back to this hell, where I'm always in someone's shadow, always being watched, never valued, never independent, and -never- free of my past. We're going to make the best of it, as long as we have to, but i promise you, I'll shadow step, and you won't know exactly what hit you. Because, this place has stolen enough life, breathe and enough soul from me, and I want it back. So fuck you Murfreesboro TN, first chance we get... we're out. There won't be any goodbyes or parties because none of you really care enough to send a simple "how the hell are ya?" text so you won't care where we go. Just know, one day, when you need me or billy the most (often like we've needed you) we won't be there (often like how you weren't for us).

-j-

"luke i am your father"

when you're told things about yourself from someone that doesn't even know you, it hurts more than you ever expected. when the path to loosing respect for someone is clear and paved you walk down it just too see how long the road to zero respect is. when you thought you'd reached the end of the road, you realize you just were looking at the top of the hill, on the other side there is more road. it's one thing when you're told something by someone who -could- have been a part of your life. it's another thing when someone who -is- a major part of your life is told by someone major in -their- life it makes you angry. it makes you want to yell and scream and shake them and ask them if they only fucking knew what they were doing. too selfish to have kids, some of that maybe true (i often am a selfish little bitch) but at least i know that and didn't wait til i had a kid to fucking realize it.

we're not the selfish ones, cause if we -did- have kids we would give them more than we had for ourselves, because when you have kids you want to give them the life you never had. not have the life you want and fucking bail.


-J-

"Do you happen to have six fingers on your right hand"

there is a point in time where you sit back and think to yourself... something has to change, something has to give to pave the way for happiness. I am currently putting my happiness on hold for good reasons, 1) i need a job, period. 2) you don't always get what you want (but if you try sometimes you might just find you get what you need) 3) i'm not entirely too sure what makes me through and though happy. I know aspects of my life that make me happy, billy and whatnot, but not totally.

I'm starting to wonder if i'm just one of those people who won't ever just be happy with her life. I wonder if i'll always make some reason not to do something because i don't know if it'll make me happy. That's why i haven't gone to college, i don't want to go and invest 4 or 5 years into something, get out there in the work force and fucking hate it. who wants that? i don't really even want the American dream, cause it seems that everyone who has the American dream ends up hating life and killing themselves (literally or metaphorically). So I've been thinking a lot about change, and how I can change my life to be a happier person in general. So far to change, you have to take a step into the unknown, i've never really been good about the unknown, as far as life goes. I've taken the steps into the unknown for personal bullshit i want to party and have a good time no matter who I hurt along the way, and that is not who i want to be. That person that looked back at me in the mirror for so many years is starting to fade away, and grow into someone that isn't a total bad human. I hope. college, moving, marriage, babies, love, jobs, hobbies, everything is now in question for "how can i improve this so i'm not such a horrible person.?". So far, I have no idea.

I've found myself obsessing over things that i know is never going to change because it hasn't yet, i've been kicking myself and putting myself down because i didn't understand why these people do what they do and did what they did, and hid it, and lied and everything else. finally i just broke down and accepted the fact that people are selfish. relationships are hard. life is -hard-, everyone has a hard time with something or someone, or a habbit, or whatever.

at the end of the day, i just want to come home to loving arms, be held and told that i'm not always such a bad person, that there is -something- good about my soul. at the end of the day, i want to be held, and kissed, and hugged, adored, and i want someone to want me as much as i want them. i'm pretty damn close to that, so fucking it up is not and option. it never should have been.

-j-

i wish billy was home, this is my only chance at a day off for this week and i'm bored and alone with the cats and a dog, who thought it would be awesome to piss in the floor as i was on my way to get his leash to take him out this morning. no work today, the water-mane close to work is busted, so we're on call until 7, if we don't hear from them by 7 we're off for the night, paid of course, but we loose our one day off this week friday. so if we go back to work tonight i will work... sun, mon, tues, wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, wed... and hopefully not thurs, or fri. but with that place i might as well just have no plans for any sort of life.I just want to have some control over my life, i don't at all. i work when they tell me to, i go where i'm told, i sleep when he's sleepy, i spend my time to myself wondering when i'll get to be in control of some part of my life. i mean, i suppose i do have control over somethings, but right now it seems as if i'm a puppet and everyone is screaming "dance".

you know that American dream i was talking about... how i don't want a part of it? nothing has changed, but i wonder how long the people who have had their American dream have been puppets and danced for their few years of bliss and happiness? Maybe i have this all wrong in general, maybe no one has gotten the American dream and just say they do because it makes them feel better. Or maybe the American dream is just that, a dream that Americans have because they hate life too.

I can't think.

-j-