Now seems like as good as a time as any to blog about whatever is in my head... which trust me is a lot. Do you remember a time in your life when you were a strong soulful person, when sticks and stones hurt you but words would never? well, i do too, and i miss that honestly. Over the past few years i've evolved into this woman who acted on emotion alone, good emotion. Now, bad emotion controls my life, and that's a terrible feeling to have. to wake up and see the one cloud in the sky, instead of waking up and seeing the silver lining. Somehow, i can still find good in most people, but i've lost the good in myself. i'm mean. I didn't realize how mean i was, until i found out that i come with warning labels. Well, sorry, this jaded soul doesn't know how to keep her thoughts to herself.
I've been dealing with my "issues" better lately, i'm still too sensitive for my own liking, but when you're made of soft things it's hard to pretend to be a rock. I mean, at first... rock... yes I love being a fucking rock... being a rock is awesome. Then, you notice that the earth makes you move, and it cracks you and the water starts to soften you up, and you start to be washed away... so it's hard to stay a rock. You turn into sand, and if your lucky you turn into a special kind of sand that is strong and beautiful and people want you, and you go to them, and you start to trust these people... then they throw you into a fire... and start rolling you around and blowing you... and the next thing you know... you're a glass. a drinking glass, one that people pay a lot of money for, but you still are a glass that people use, and drop, and put in a dishwasher because they don't care enough for you to hand-wash you. Do you know how hard it is to stop being a glass and turn back into a rock? i don't think that process has been proven by science yet, i hope they get on the glass into rock technology because i could really use it.
today, i've been called a heartless bitch, i've been called a whore, i've been called ugly, and i've been told that things only get better for a while before they go back to shit. In the response to being a heartless bitch- "better me than you", the response to being a whore- none yet stated, the response to being called ugly- "I'm not ugly, but i know at least i'm decent looking.". and my response to things will all go back to shit, that it's just a temporary solution is- "fuck you, what do you know?".
I apparently have to deal with who i am, well no shit! Yeah i have to face my choices on a daily basis, yes i have to look my old self in the eyes everyday as i brush my teeth, but the wonderful thing about that is, everyday, i look and see someone i like more and more everyday. it's not always a huge difference, sometimes i look at myself and see myself take a step back into my old self. But, the thing about hating your old self is... that you no longer want to be your old self... so you flight and you claw so that, you, just don't have to see that same look in your eyes day by day.
as for the cheating and the being a bad girlfriend, you know, when all has been forgiven and both parties still want to make things good and wonderful and there is so much love that sometimes your soul burns, well then, maybe you can start forgiving yourself for bad choices. and when being a bad girlfriend is on the line, chances are, you know what makes you so terrible, and if they can talk to you about it and you can listen and absorb everything in without tears then you can change for the better. Tears, they cloud and burn, they cloud your vision, and the burn your eyes and your soul. if your eyes burn, so does your soul.
I'm not the best human on the earth, not by leaps and bounds, but i have a boyfriend who even after all i've put him though loves me enough to be up front and honest with me about everything (well almost everything... everyone has secrets) so i can't be all bad now can i? he kisses me no matter my face, my breast size, or how fat i may or may not be. i might be a daughter of the devil, but i was raised by angels... so the fight is never even or fair... but at least i put up one.
Sorry if this was all over the place... but i'm... all over the place.
-J-
(yes i know it's not a movie quote.... comment comment comment.)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
"I talked to God, she said 'yo, what's up?'"
I know i've been slacking on the blogging front, work has been crazy, and it looks like it's going to be a 50 hour week this week. So this little update, is just that... little. There has a been a lot of personal things going on that I in respect of others have decided to leave out of a public blog and have been writing in my personal journal. So, sorry about that, there is still a band review i've been working on for this blog though... so you have that to look forward to.
Other than that, I need to go to work and hate life for 10 hours.
-J-
Other than that, I need to go to work and hate life for 10 hours.
-J-
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"i drink your milkshake"
The dreams have started again, and there is nothing i can do about it. the fears and the things i hate that i've been working so hard on forgetting and ignoring are back and are getting worse. a little bit different content this time, it's all about lies and actions that hurt me, and the most fucked up thing about it is, i'm not sure if it's just in my dreams or if my mind is picking up on something. it sucks, it hurts and i don't like it. now i have to go to work and pray we're busy enough to keep my mind off of it all. i hope we're busy enough that when i get home everything will be out of my head and i won't have to feel this anymore.
my self esteem is crashing and burning, and i don't know why. i talked to a good friend about it yesterday via text, and she asked a question that i've mentioned in the blog, and since she asked it, that's all i can think about. i've been a good girl, no snooping, no cheating, not even thinking about cheating on him, i wouldn't do that again. but that makes me wonder where the line between cheating and not cheating. now, that sounds like i'm trying to figure out the line for myself, which isn't the case what so ever. but as i've been thinking about it, i think it's drawn when one of the two people in the relationship is a) hurt by actions and b) when lying comes into play. i don't know how many more dreams i can take of this before i just decide to never sleep, or how many dreams i can take until i crack and say something stupid and hurtful.
this is by far one of the worst feelings i've ever had. i want it gone, and i want to be happy through and though, because no matter of the pain i've caused to people in my life, i deserve to be happy and have a clear mind. i wonder if i'll ever stop punishing myself. i wonder if we'll ever be okay. cause, honestly sometimes i'm not so sure.
-j-
my self esteem is crashing and burning, and i don't know why. i talked to a good friend about it yesterday via text, and she asked a question that i've mentioned in the blog, and since she asked it, that's all i can think about. i've been a good girl, no snooping, no cheating, not even thinking about cheating on him, i wouldn't do that again. but that makes me wonder where the line between cheating and not cheating. now, that sounds like i'm trying to figure out the line for myself, which isn't the case what so ever. but as i've been thinking about it, i think it's drawn when one of the two people in the relationship is a) hurt by actions and b) when lying comes into play. i don't know how many more dreams i can take of this before i just decide to never sleep, or how many dreams i can take until i crack and say something stupid and hurtful.
this is by far one of the worst feelings i've ever had. i want it gone, and i want to be happy through and though, because no matter of the pain i've caused to people in my life, i deserve to be happy and have a clear mind. i wonder if i'll ever stop punishing myself. i wonder if we'll ever be okay. cause, honestly sometimes i'm not so sure.
-j-
Thursday, May 13, 2010
"who you callin' scruffy?!"
adventures at the laundry mat. i like to do my laundry in peace, sit, text, blog a bit... generally keep myself entertained... but that wasn't in the cards today. Toddlers! not regular toddlers but unbehaved mexican't toddlers. i... am -not- actually racist... i think that some cultures need a rebooting in order to fix their dirty name, but that means america too. so i hate everyone no matter of skin color. if you're white and ket your kids try to steal my bra at a laundry mat, it would be the same blog. if your kid is being a jerk in public... beat the snot out of your kid and see if next time they aren't better behaved. i'm just sezzin.
for the rest of the day i still have a bit to do, get ready go eat lunch with billie, hang out with kate, clean up the apartment a little bit, perhaps grab some shit to take to billys... dunno yet. all i know is, i'm fucking sleepy and it looks like there isn't time for a nap. i hope these clothes dry quickly.
laundry mats and i have a love hate relationship. they're too expensive, yet you can do like 90000000.8 loads at once so it saves you time. personally, i would rather spend 20 bucks and an hour and a half at a laundry mat then hardly any money and spend all day doing it. you know, it's not soically acceptable to wear dirty clothes all the time and small unless your favorite band is phish and the highlight of your year is seeing them at bonaroo. that's why they're called "dirty hippies". do i personally have any problem with said "dirty hippies"? no, except when they let me smoke their kind bud and make me listen to radiohead, phish and other terrible dirty hippie jam bands. i hate jam bands period... but jam bands stoned has to be the worst thing ever. seriously, time slows down while stoned anyway a bad 18 minute song sounds like a worse 1899990 minute song stoned. no thank you i want zero part of it.
spin spin spin the laundry goes in circles over and over amd over. boooooring.
-j-
for the rest of the day i still have a bit to do, get ready go eat lunch with billie, hang out with kate, clean up the apartment a little bit, perhaps grab some shit to take to billys... dunno yet. all i know is, i'm fucking sleepy and it looks like there isn't time for a nap. i hope these clothes dry quickly.
laundry mats and i have a love hate relationship. they're too expensive, yet you can do like 90000000.8 loads at once so it saves you time. personally, i would rather spend 20 bucks and an hour and a half at a laundry mat then hardly any money and spend all day doing it. you know, it's not soically acceptable to wear dirty clothes all the time and small unless your favorite band is phish and the highlight of your year is seeing them at bonaroo. that's why they're called "dirty hippies". do i personally have any problem with said "dirty hippies"? no, except when they let me smoke their kind bud and make me listen to radiohead, phish and other terrible dirty hippie jam bands. i hate jam bands period... but jam bands stoned has to be the worst thing ever. seriously, time slows down while stoned anyway a bad 18 minute song sounds like a worse 1899990 minute song stoned. no thank you i want zero part of it.
spin spin spin the laundry goes in circles over and over amd over. boooooring.
-j-
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
"i said you can have a snack not the whole kitchen"
why yes random group of people i would love for you to sit at my table outside and totally ignore me. and by that i mean get the fuck away, if i wanted to sit with people i would have -sat- with people. so awesome thanks for the uncomfortableness.. fuck off assholes.
i'm actually in a good mood, you probably can't tell from the first paragraph for my last blog. but i've decided to take this session of spring blues and shove it up it's own dull ass. i'm a fun gal, i'm a -funny- gal. i have a shread of self confidence and self worth and i'm going to quit shoving it down because others don't validate me. well you know what? i don't need your validation... "if you know you're the shit, then you're the shit to you." never in a million years did i think i would take advice from katt williams. homie has a point though.
it's time, no more walking with my shoulders slumped and my head down, i've always been trampled on, but no longer. billy had the devil take over his life to do some house cleaning and maybe i need to do the same thing. take a page out of his book and get back to the jess that -i- love. because this jess -i- hate. the jess -i- love is strong but doesn't have a cold dead heart, the jess -i- love cries and allows herself to cry and feel. the jess -i- love can take a joke and fire one back that is 10times more wity and hilarious than yours. the jess -i- love paints. writes, learns, takes pictures and strives to be a better human being. so that's the jess that's going to be around from now on. if you don't like it... fuck off i don't need you "aint shit niggas".
i woke up feeling refreshed like i'm a whole new me. and goddamnit i'm running with it.
there is no try with this... there is only do... fuck there isn't even a do not. eat a dick haters.... jess that -i- love is here. and it's about to be a good time.
-j-
i'm actually in a good mood, you probably can't tell from the first paragraph for my last blog. but i've decided to take this session of spring blues and shove it up it's own dull ass. i'm a fun gal, i'm a -funny- gal. i have a shread of self confidence and self worth and i'm going to quit shoving it down because others don't validate me. well you know what? i don't need your validation... "if you know you're the shit, then you're the shit to you." never in a million years did i think i would take advice from katt williams. homie has a point though.
it's time, no more walking with my shoulders slumped and my head down, i've always been trampled on, but no longer. billy had the devil take over his life to do some house cleaning and maybe i need to do the same thing. take a page out of his book and get back to the jess that -i- love. because this jess -i- hate. the jess -i- love is strong but doesn't have a cold dead heart, the jess -i- love cries and allows herself to cry and feel. the jess -i- love can take a joke and fire one back that is 10times more wity and hilarious than yours. the jess -i- love paints. writes, learns, takes pictures and strives to be a better human being. so that's the jess that's going to be around from now on. if you don't like it... fuck off i don't need you "aint shit niggas".
i woke up feeling refreshed like i'm a whole new me. and goddamnit i'm running with it.
there is no try with this... there is only do... fuck there isn't even a do not. eat a dick haters.... jess that -i- love is here. and it's about to be a good time.
-j-
"have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
Dear Devil,
i understand you've taken over and that you're not playing this time. i want to thank you for taking some of the weight off of billy's shoulders, the weight of guilt plus the weight of the world can often be to much for the average person. and as it seems it can be amped when it's a super strong person with a super huge heart.
i know i'm no model girlfriend, or best friend to billy but i do try to make his life a bit easier. we've discussed what needs to change and i've been working on it, and i'll continue working on it. so please don't jump my shit when i'm really trying.
as far as the insects in billy's life, personally i'm glad they're gone, they were draining him of his spirit and love for anything that this horrible world could offer. yes, i have been an insect in his life, and no, i never meant to.
but thank you devil for lifting the weight and helping him be happy again. he does have a few really good friends in life, i can think of 3... and sadly only one of the three live here. (i'm actually not talking about myself)
look mr devil sir, i have your back because you haave billy's, i will support you in whatever you feel is best for him... unless it's hurting him. devil... if you fuck up and he gets hurt i -will- stand up to you, and i won't back down until you see how much it hurts him. i'm a bit frightened of you devil, you have a bad temper and a yell that makes me feel like i should kill myself while hiding under a bed. but perhaps i should take a page out of your book and do some house cleaning myself.
there are four things i ask of you devil... keep billy safe. keep him alive. keep him happy. and keep him healthy. that doesn't seem like too much to ask of the thing that has taken over my best friend and lover for his own good.
-J-
i understand you've taken over and that you're not playing this time. i want to thank you for taking some of the weight off of billy's shoulders, the weight of guilt plus the weight of the world can often be to much for the average person. and as it seems it can be amped when it's a super strong person with a super huge heart.
i know i'm no model girlfriend, or best friend to billy but i do try to make his life a bit easier. we've discussed what needs to change and i've been working on it, and i'll continue working on it. so please don't jump my shit when i'm really trying.
as far as the insects in billy's life, personally i'm glad they're gone, they were draining him of his spirit and love for anything that this horrible world could offer. yes, i have been an insect in his life, and no, i never meant to.
but thank you devil for lifting the weight and helping him be happy again. he does have a few really good friends in life, i can think of 3... and sadly only one of the three live here. (i'm actually not talking about myself)
look mr devil sir, i have your back because you haave billy's, i will support you in whatever you feel is best for him... unless it's hurting him. devil... if you fuck up and he gets hurt i -will- stand up to you, and i won't back down until you see how much it hurts him. i'm a bit frightened of you devil, you have a bad temper and a yell that makes me feel like i should kill myself while hiding under a bed. but perhaps i should take a page out of your book and do some house cleaning myself.
there are four things i ask of you devil... keep billy safe. keep him alive. keep him happy. and keep him healthy. that doesn't seem like too much to ask of the thing that has taken over my best friend and lover for his own good.
-J-
Monday, May 10, 2010
"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you."
I don't really know where this blog is going to go, I have no general idea of what I want to write about, I just need to write right now.
I realize that I'm not the only person in the world who has had a bad day, shit compared to most people in America i don't have a lot of bitching room. I have a job (that i'm forcing myself to go to daily because i hate it), I have friends (who are super busy with their own lives and schedules that it's hard to talk to or keep up with), I have a roof over my head (technically two roofs since i stay with billie but have my own place), I have money to buy food to put in my stomach, I have an amazing family who support me no matter what stupid thing i do, I have an awesome boyfriend... nope not a whole lot of bitching room. So why is it i feel the need to bitch, not just to billie or my friends, but to the internet?! "I don't have a car..." "I hate my job..." blah blah blah. I can see my own interest in this blog falling off, how can i expect others to read it and not be like "oh god she's bitching again." And see... now, I'm bitching about bitching.
there has to be something that is a problem that i'm failing to see, or ignoring the existence of. Do I need validation through a blog, and it's comments, through facebook and the comments on there? Because I'm starting to think that I do, and that alone is a problem. where as that self esteem gone? Where is that Jess that people love? Oh that's right, -that- Jess is drunk in a bar, and this Jess is living in the real world. But here is the thing, I don't really like being drunk Jess in a bar, not on a regular basis anyway. I like it from time to time so I can hang out with some peeps that are bad ass, (who i hope take zero offense to this particular part of my blog). And there are reasons that I'm not there all the time, money, transportation, the thing that gives me a sick feeling in my stomach, and because i've got a case of the spring blues. Funny, here I was thinking that I only get the blues in the fall and winter. i hope this isn't a progressing thing, the blues. I don't want the blues year round, I don't want them for part of the year, or a second of the year. Yet the blues just seem to prop themselves up on my shoulders and scream so loudly into my ear that sometimes, I honestly think I'm loosing my mind.
i noticed today, how jumpy I am, how i talk to myself more and more, and how when i fuck up something at work (go to the wrong location try to scan it and get the error message) i cuss at the item. How i can feel myself just slipping away from being mentally sound. and i wonder how those people at work view me, not because i really care (some of them i do care about because they're nice to me because they want to be, not because i smoke also), i wonder if they just go... "that girl is loosing her mind today, did you see her do that? she's fucked up she's got to be high or something." and some of them i know for a fact do that because i've heard them talk shit about me, and make fun of me. and that's fine, if they hate let em hate right? at one point today, I was picking just minding my own business and working my ass off and tears just started pouring down my face, i wasn't crying but my eyes were. I didn't feel more sad than usual, but my body made me cry... i wasn't even thinking of anything sad... as a matter of fact i was thinking of a funny movie that has -never- made me sad. So there i am, picking, with a half smile on my face and crying involuntarily, awesome I know.
I think all i need/ed was just a hug, or something someone to ask what was wrong, how i'm doing, if i'm okay, if they can do anything to help.. something someone to care for two whole seconds that i was having a pretty terrible day. but i suppose people are just too wrapped up in themselves to ask someone who always asks them how they are, and how their day is going to return the favor when it's needed. all and all i think i'm just lonely at work, and lonely in general sometimes. but what can you expect from the girl who is a million miles away, and in her own world where things are probably much worse than out in the world with everyone else.
I hate the general answers to how are you... "fine" "good" "chillin"... well, guess what fuckers if -i- ask how -you- are, i dont want a general answer, if i did i wouldn't even bother asking it in the first place. Granted i don't want to know about how the rash that you got from fucking some random person at a bar is effecting your ability to drive your car comfortably... but a real answer would be nice once in a while.
All of these people in this world and everyone just gives a shit about themselves. So to those of you that just give a shit about yourself, tomorrow, ask someone how their day is, and if they give you a real honest answer, fucking listen.
this world can burn and start over again for all i care, maybe some humanity will stick this time around.
-J-
I realize that I'm not the only person in the world who has had a bad day, shit compared to most people in America i don't have a lot of bitching room. I have a job (that i'm forcing myself to go to daily because i hate it), I have friends (who are super busy with their own lives and schedules that it's hard to talk to or keep up with), I have a roof over my head (technically two roofs since i stay with billie but have my own place), I have money to buy food to put in my stomach, I have an amazing family who support me no matter what stupid thing i do, I have an awesome boyfriend... nope not a whole lot of bitching room. So why is it i feel the need to bitch, not just to billie or my friends, but to the internet?! "I don't have a car..." "I hate my job..." blah blah blah. I can see my own interest in this blog falling off, how can i expect others to read it and not be like "oh god she's bitching again." And see... now, I'm bitching about bitching.
there has to be something that is a problem that i'm failing to see, or ignoring the existence of. Do I need validation through a blog, and it's comments, through facebook and the comments on there? Because I'm starting to think that I do, and that alone is a problem. where as that self esteem gone? Where is that Jess that people love? Oh that's right, -that- Jess is drunk in a bar, and this Jess is living in the real world. But here is the thing, I don't really like being drunk Jess in a bar, not on a regular basis anyway. I like it from time to time so I can hang out with some peeps that are bad ass, (who i hope take zero offense to this particular part of my blog). And there are reasons that I'm not there all the time, money, transportation, the thing that gives me a sick feeling in my stomach, and because i've got a case of the spring blues. Funny, here I was thinking that I only get the blues in the fall and winter. i hope this isn't a progressing thing, the blues. I don't want the blues year round, I don't want them for part of the year, or a second of the year. Yet the blues just seem to prop themselves up on my shoulders and scream so loudly into my ear that sometimes, I honestly think I'm loosing my mind.
i noticed today, how jumpy I am, how i talk to myself more and more, and how when i fuck up something at work (go to the wrong location try to scan it and get the error message) i cuss at the item. How i can feel myself just slipping away from being mentally sound. and i wonder how those people at work view me, not because i really care (some of them i do care about because they're nice to me because they want to be, not because i smoke also), i wonder if they just go... "that girl is loosing her mind today, did you see her do that? she's fucked up she's got to be high or something." and some of them i know for a fact do that because i've heard them talk shit about me, and make fun of me. and that's fine, if they hate let em hate right? at one point today, I was picking just minding my own business and working my ass off and tears just started pouring down my face, i wasn't crying but my eyes were. I didn't feel more sad than usual, but my body made me cry... i wasn't even thinking of anything sad... as a matter of fact i was thinking of a funny movie that has -never- made me sad. So there i am, picking, with a half smile on my face and crying involuntarily, awesome I know.
I think all i need/ed was just a hug, or something someone to ask what was wrong, how i'm doing, if i'm okay, if they can do anything to help.. something someone to care for two whole seconds that i was having a pretty terrible day. but i suppose people are just too wrapped up in themselves to ask someone who always asks them how they are, and how their day is going to return the favor when it's needed. all and all i think i'm just lonely at work, and lonely in general sometimes. but what can you expect from the girl who is a million miles away, and in her own world where things are probably much worse than out in the world with everyone else.
I hate the general answers to how are you... "fine" "good" "chillin"... well, guess what fuckers if -i- ask how -you- are, i dont want a general answer, if i did i wouldn't even bother asking it in the first place. Granted i don't want to know about how the rash that you got from fucking some random person at a bar is effecting your ability to drive your car comfortably... but a real answer would be nice once in a while.
All of these people in this world and everyone just gives a shit about themselves. So to those of you that just give a shit about yourself, tomorrow, ask someone how their day is, and if they give you a real honest answer, fucking listen.
this world can burn and start over again for all i care, maybe some humanity will stick this time around.
-J-
"no more rhyming i mean it"
stupid weather, i'm starting to think that stupid rainy weather gives me to blues, which turns into bad dreams. or vice versa... either way it sucks and i do not like it.
so, there is something i need to get the fuck over. her. i trust billie, i know he's not going to cheat on me, and i know he loves me so much, i mean... after all i've put him through he still wants me by his side. so what is my issue with her? where is it coming from? there is (i think) an aspect of her that reminds me of krista during chelsea place... it's the same gut feeling. but i'm trying to ignore it, but i just get so filled with jealousy that it eats me alive a little bit. maybe part of me thinks that i deserve to have him cheat on me (which i don't want to happen). maybe it's just the fear of it that is fueling the green flame. i feel dumb having these feelings because when he kisses me i can feel it all over, it shakes me to the core. so it is pretty fucking retarded these jealous feelings.
i got an email from chris, telling me that it's not that he doesn't want anything to do with me, but it would be better for billie and i if we didn't speak. i got this email after -he- emailed -billie- i thinl trying to make a friendship of some sorts. and saying that he had no intention of ever talking to me again. with that i ask WTF?! Who in their correct mind would do that? 'hey dude i wanna be friends i won't talk to your chick anymore' 'hey jess i don't want to be out of total contact with you'... either way you slice it it equals uncool.
i hope work is busy so this day can fly by and i can be on the couch curled up with billie relaxing and being happy.
with that i have nothing else to say...
comment comment comment- i want to know who's out there.
-J-
so, there is something i need to get the fuck over. her. i trust billie, i know he's not going to cheat on me, and i know he loves me so much, i mean... after all i've put him through he still wants me by his side. so what is my issue with her? where is it coming from? there is (i think) an aspect of her that reminds me of krista during chelsea place... it's the same gut feeling. but i'm trying to ignore it, but i just get so filled with jealousy that it eats me alive a little bit. maybe part of me thinks that i deserve to have him cheat on me (which i don't want to happen). maybe it's just the fear of it that is fueling the green flame. i feel dumb having these feelings because when he kisses me i can feel it all over, it shakes me to the core. so it is pretty fucking retarded these jealous feelings.
i got an email from chris, telling me that it's not that he doesn't want anything to do with me, but it would be better for billie and i if we didn't speak. i got this email after -he- emailed -billie- i thinl trying to make a friendship of some sorts. and saying that he had no intention of ever talking to me again. with that i ask WTF?! Who in their correct mind would do that? 'hey dude i wanna be friends i won't talk to your chick anymore' 'hey jess i don't want to be out of total contact with you'... either way you slice it it equals uncool.
i hope work is busy so this day can fly by and i can be on the couch curled up with billie relaxing and being happy.
with that i have nothing else to say...
comment comment comment- i want to know who's out there.
-J-
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... for sho'."
I've got this sick feeling in my stomach, I'm not really sure where it's coming from. I'm not pregnant so don't even suggest it. It's like a... "something is wrong, something is off", feeling. I think it's coupled with, "oh shit what if he changes his mind" feeling. It's been a rough past couple of days, neither one of us has been feeling up to anything really. Either someones head, back, feet, or body hurts, or we've been super stressed and had a bad day, or just an off day in general. I hate weeks like this, everything is just here and there, and nothing is really in it's correct place. Sleeping becomes a chore because there is so much to do, and what needs to get done while one of us is at work, the other can't do because the one at work has the truck. I need a car, like 3 years ago. And I feel bad for bitching about not having a car, because how many people now don't even have a house none the less a car?! Stupid stupid stupid. That doesn't change the fact that I -need- a car.
So, my friend had her surgery, everything went well, and they said that she doesn't have cancer, but they're going to run some more tests just to make sure. I was supposed to spend the day in the hospital with her yesterday but because of some issues with our electricity we ran out of time and i didn't get to get up there to see her. She's at home, I talked to her a little this morning, she said she was feeling horrible and that she's upset about her scar. They said they were only going to cut on the left side, but ended up having to cut along the front of her neck as well. She sent me a picture, and typically I would post it, but it's not really my business to post people in the hospital. Just seems wrong, but... she is doing okay and they let her come home today, so thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for her. She's a major light in my world (Billies as well) and frankly we don't know what we would do without her. So... yay! Lets send healing thoughts her way... xD
I'm supposed to go hang out with my Kate-e-kins later, after she's done with all of her shit, and we're gonna make our third YouTube video for Super Uber Fuck Your Shit Up Crew Show, if you haven't seen the first two here is the link... Super Uber FYSUC I have a blast editing them, but Kate is more the talker, thank God. So i don't know what our new video will be about, but i'm sure it'll fuck your shit up.
It's so quiet in this place when he's not here, and i have a hard time breaking the silence with music, i'm not sure if it's because I just don't know what I'm in the mood to listen to, or if I just enjoy it while it drives me bonkers.
I really need to spend a day at my apartment, and start packing up and cleaning for the move, yup, i'm going to move in with Billie, I know i know it hasn't worked before, but there is a first time for everything and while yes we're doing it partly because life is expensive but mostly because we love each other and can't really bring ourselves to sleep apart from each other. We've been a little cramped up together because of the car situation but once that is fixed we'll both have the breathing room we -need- to process and think, and do whatever it is we do when we're alone. I watched I Love You, Man yesterday for the first time. And Peter is kind of like me, he's a girlfriend guy, i'm a boyfriend girl... I know that I've gotten a boyfriend and let me friends fall to the wayside, and Billie has rarely asked me to ditch my friends and not have any. If he has it's because well, they were probably pieces of shit that were doing me literally more harm than good. I have a hard time seeing that sometimes... my "friends" consider me pure entertainment and could really give a shit less about my actual well-being. But I think I'm starting to get a good small group of friends that really do give a shit about me. I've never had the same friends my entire life, I mean I have Robyn, and her and I can't really go kick it being that she lives like 12 hours away. Tina and I have been friends for shit almost 13 years but we're so busy I'm not even sure that I would consider her a good friend anymore. I don't know the last time we spoke. There are people from high school, who are friends but none of which i really see on the reg. But there is Kate, Brandy and Jeff. Those are my homies right there, Kate and I grew up seriously like 30 miles away from each other in Colorado, then met one night at the pub, we've always just gotten along and crack each other up, keep each other safe and sound. She's my P.I.C fo sho. Brandy, well as I said she's a major light in my life, and has been for almost the past year. I can talk to her about anything and she'll give me the honest truth, she'd give me the shirt off of her back and I would give her mine. Jeff, now that's my little brother, we share a connection of... "yeah we're both really fucked up in the head and have our issues so i know I can talk to you about this and you won't judge but you'll understand and have my back no matter what." and so far with a little bit of disrespect to other along the way we're pretty close. You guys already know Billie is my absolute best friend, he has been for the past 6 years if we've been together or not. No one really knows me the way he does, and I doubt anyone ever will. He is why I bother waking up in the morning, he is what I picture when I think about my future and hearing the front door open and saying "Daddy's home!!!" to my kids. He's the only one i've ever been able to flawlessly picture saying "I do" to and everything else in this world. After all "love is friendship on fire" (the perfect man).
Lets talk for a moment about some music, there are two bands I can -always- listen to, no matter the mood, the day, the time of year... and that is Lucero, and The Frames. If you haven't listened to them, you really should. I've listened to Lucero since I was 17, and the Red Rose was booming, the summer before i met Charlie, the summer before I had my heart broken for the first time in my life. Lucero go me through our first break up, and well after our second break up i met Billie and he and Lucero made me more than whole again. The Frames, well, heh, they got me though Billie and I's first break up, then our second, and third, and fourth, etc etc etc. Not so much the last one, because at that point I had introduced Billie to them and he had "grown up enough to like it", so i heard them and thought of him, and that was painful. But Lucero did get me through this last one, even went and saw them live at Mercy Lounge. Yeah, I thought of Billie the whole time, but it made me feel hopeful that one day he and i would be where were are now. Together and madly in love.
--------
"you're gonna sink wearing that heart of gold you're holding fast son you better let it go the weight of guilt son's gonna drag you down you better let it go else you're gonna drown a heavy cross'll make a brighter crown" -The Weight of Guilt, by Lucero, album- Rebels, Rogues, & Sworn Brothers
Lucero is from Memphis and are "southern rock, rockabilly, badass." that's how I categorize them anyway. Ben Nichols has a rough dry voice that a lot of people don't really like, but you know he loves what he does. They sing a lot of broken heart songs, and if you listen to the whole discography you can hear him growing up from "she broke my heart" into "let me get my grown man on". And I love hearing bands grow up, especially when i get the chance to grow up and change with them. I don't know where Lucero got their name or why they picked it, but after some research i found that it means a bright star (i'm assuming Spanish) OR an Italian name meaning "light".
------------
"We wield a mighty sword, that cuts through the bone and lays the liars down, we wield an angry sword that softens the stone and turns the tide around" -Mighty Sword, by The Frames, album- For the Birds.
The Frames are based in Dublin, Ireland and have like 6 albums and Glen Hansard has a movie out called "Once" which he sings and plays in... they sing some Frames songs. I'm not really sure what to write about them, because I do love them so, but I've never seen them live, and they've always been a little bit more grown up than i am, but it doesn't make me love them any less than Lucero. When I started to write this paragraph I decided to look up some information on them. And I always love knowing where the band names come from... this is off of their website so it's true... "The Frames are called The Frames because when Glen was small he used to fix all the bicycles in his neighbourhood for his friends. His house had bicycle frames lying all around and Glen could be seen up to his eyeballs in oil and grease with that big smile of his fixing bicycles. His house became known as the house with the frames. Hence the name The Frames." Just something I thought was interesting.
Maybe once a week I'll go through bands that I love and introduce you guys to them (if you don't already know them) and maybe just maybe they'll get you through a shit day.
-J-
comment comment comment I want to know you're out there... asshats.
So, my friend had her surgery, everything went well, and they said that she doesn't have cancer, but they're going to run some more tests just to make sure. I was supposed to spend the day in the hospital with her yesterday but because of some issues with our electricity we ran out of time and i didn't get to get up there to see her. She's at home, I talked to her a little this morning, she said she was feeling horrible and that she's upset about her scar. They said they were only going to cut on the left side, but ended up having to cut along the front of her neck as well. She sent me a picture, and typically I would post it, but it's not really my business to post people in the hospital. Just seems wrong, but... she is doing okay and they let her come home today, so thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for her. She's a major light in my world (Billies as well) and frankly we don't know what we would do without her. So... yay! Lets send healing thoughts her way... xD
I'm supposed to go hang out with my Kate-e-kins later, after she's done with all of her shit, and we're gonna make our third YouTube video for Super Uber Fuck Your Shit Up Crew Show, if you haven't seen the first two here is the link... Super Uber FYSUC I have a blast editing them, but Kate is more the talker, thank God. So i don't know what our new video will be about, but i'm sure it'll fuck your shit up.
It's so quiet in this place when he's not here, and i have a hard time breaking the silence with music, i'm not sure if it's because I just don't know what I'm in the mood to listen to, or if I just enjoy it while it drives me bonkers.
I really need to spend a day at my apartment, and start packing up and cleaning for the move, yup, i'm going to move in with Billie, I know i know it hasn't worked before, but there is a first time for everything and while yes we're doing it partly because life is expensive but mostly because we love each other and can't really bring ourselves to sleep apart from each other. We've been a little cramped up together because of the car situation but once that is fixed we'll both have the breathing room we -need- to process and think, and do whatever it is we do when we're alone. I watched I Love You, Man yesterday for the first time. And Peter is kind of like me, he's a girlfriend guy, i'm a boyfriend girl... I know that I've gotten a boyfriend and let me friends fall to the wayside, and Billie has rarely asked me to ditch my friends and not have any. If he has it's because well, they were probably pieces of shit that were doing me literally more harm than good. I have a hard time seeing that sometimes... my "friends" consider me pure entertainment and could really give a shit less about my actual well-being. But I think I'm starting to get a good small group of friends that really do give a shit about me. I've never had the same friends my entire life, I mean I have Robyn, and her and I can't really go kick it being that she lives like 12 hours away. Tina and I have been friends for shit almost 13 years but we're so busy I'm not even sure that I would consider her a good friend anymore. I don't know the last time we spoke. There are people from high school, who are friends but none of which i really see on the reg. But there is Kate, Brandy and Jeff. Those are my homies right there, Kate and I grew up seriously like 30 miles away from each other in Colorado, then met one night at the pub, we've always just gotten along and crack each other up, keep each other safe and sound. She's my P.I.C fo sho. Brandy, well as I said she's a major light in my life, and has been for almost the past year. I can talk to her about anything and she'll give me the honest truth, she'd give me the shirt off of her back and I would give her mine. Jeff, now that's my little brother, we share a connection of... "yeah we're both really fucked up in the head and have our issues so i know I can talk to you about this and you won't judge but you'll understand and have my back no matter what." and so far with a little bit of disrespect to other along the way we're pretty close. You guys already know Billie is my absolute best friend, he has been for the past 6 years if we've been together or not. No one really knows me the way he does, and I doubt anyone ever will. He is why I bother waking up in the morning, he is what I picture when I think about my future and hearing the front door open and saying "Daddy's home!!!" to my kids. He's the only one i've ever been able to flawlessly picture saying "I do" to and everything else in this world. After all "love is friendship on fire" (the perfect man).
Lets talk for a moment about some music, there are two bands I can -always- listen to, no matter the mood, the day, the time of year... and that is Lucero, and The Frames. If you haven't listened to them, you really should. I've listened to Lucero since I was 17, and the Red Rose was booming, the summer before i met Charlie, the summer before I had my heart broken for the first time in my life. Lucero go me through our first break up, and well after our second break up i met Billie and he and Lucero made me more than whole again. The Frames, well, heh, they got me though Billie and I's first break up, then our second, and third, and fourth, etc etc etc. Not so much the last one, because at that point I had introduced Billie to them and he had "grown up enough to like it", so i heard them and thought of him, and that was painful. But Lucero did get me through this last one, even went and saw them live at Mercy Lounge. Yeah, I thought of Billie the whole time, but it made me feel hopeful that one day he and i would be where were are now. Together and madly in love.
--------
"you're gonna sink wearing that heart of gold you're holding fast son you better let it go the weight of guilt son's gonna drag you down you better let it go else you're gonna drown a heavy cross'll make a brighter crown" -The Weight of Guilt, by Lucero, album- Rebels, Rogues, & Sworn Brothers
Lucero is from Memphis and are "southern rock, rockabilly, badass." that's how I categorize them anyway. Ben Nichols has a rough dry voice that a lot of people don't really like, but you know he loves what he does. They sing a lot of broken heart songs, and if you listen to the whole discography you can hear him growing up from "she broke my heart" into "let me get my grown man on". And I love hearing bands grow up, especially when i get the chance to grow up and change with them. I don't know where Lucero got their name or why they picked it, but after some research i found that it means a bright star (i'm assuming Spanish) OR an Italian name meaning "light".
------------
"We wield a mighty sword, that cuts through the bone and lays the liars down, we wield an angry sword that softens the stone and turns the tide around" -Mighty Sword, by The Frames, album- For the Birds.
The Frames are based in Dublin, Ireland and have like 6 albums and Glen Hansard has a movie out called "Once" which he sings and plays in... they sing some Frames songs. I'm not really sure what to write about them, because I do love them so, but I've never seen them live, and they've always been a little bit more grown up than i am, but it doesn't make me love them any less than Lucero. When I started to write this paragraph I decided to look up some information on them. And I always love knowing where the band names come from... this is off of their website so it's true... "The Frames are called The Frames because when Glen was small he used to fix all the bicycles in his neighbourhood for his friends. His house had bicycle frames lying all around and Glen could be seen up to his eyeballs in oil and grease with that big smile of his fixing bicycles. His house became known as the house with the frames. Hence the name The Frames." Just something I thought was interesting.
Maybe once a week I'll go through bands that I love and introduce you guys to them (if you don't already know them) and maybe just maybe they'll get you through a shit day.
-J-
comment comment comment I want to know you're out there... asshats.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"frankly my dear, i don't give a damn"
at work early yet again, because of the horrible flooding in TN they shut down work on sunday, and i guess we're slow so we came in 2 hours late today... that's my paycheck minus 12 hours... i mean yeah i'm okay with the 8 hour shift on my friday but c'mon let me make some fucking money.
so it's been one fuck of a week, the flooding was/is terrible, thank god that as far as i know no one in my family is hurt. a lot of houses flooded, 3 of my cousins and my grandmothers basement to be exact. not to meantion all of my friends houses. and the national media won't talk about it?! no offence but they still talk about katrina... i know nashville isn't as badass as new orleans buuuuuuuut it doesn't make the losses any less important. fuck you national new media FUCK YOU! what nashville and tn have no importance?! what about all of those bands you love from TN? what about the titains? oooooooo okay i get it... because we didn't go crazy and loot or because not as many people died it's not as important. gotcha... good to know, next time we'll be sure to act like a bunch of assholes and kill people in our fucking time of crisis. asshats!
on another note, fears are starting to fade, not by much i still worry about all of those things and more everyday. but he does things like randomly call me sexy or kiss my neck and shoulders out of the blue and i quit wondering if he really has changed. we both need to take steps back and remember the promises we made a month ago, like being romantic and doing romantic things just because it'll make the other person smile, give time to breathe and hangout by yourself or with friends, to compromise so it's not all take and all give. those are the major things. there is still no better feeling than waking up and feeling his hand rub my leg and let me curl up in the nook, or waking up from a bad dream and curling up next to him.
i'm still on the hunt for a car, mike from work said he'd be on the look out for one... it sure would be nice to have a working car again, for billie and i both.
so one of my dearest friends is having surgery tomorrow, she has cancer which she doesn't deserve, so i'll be at the hospital with her tomorrow, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this is the end of this battle with cancer and not the beginning. she has the most amazing heart in the world and i'm blessed to still call her a friend after the shit i've pulled.
peace & love
-j-
comment comment comment... c'mon if you're reading i want to know!
so it's been one fuck of a week, the flooding was/is terrible, thank god that as far as i know no one in my family is hurt. a lot of houses flooded, 3 of my cousins and my grandmothers basement to be exact. not to meantion all of my friends houses. and the national media won't talk about it?! no offence but they still talk about katrina... i know nashville isn't as badass as new orleans buuuuuuuut it doesn't make the losses any less important. fuck you national new media FUCK YOU! what nashville and tn have no importance?! what about all of those bands you love from TN? what about the titains? oooooooo okay i get it... because we didn't go crazy and loot or because not as many people died it's not as important. gotcha... good to know, next time we'll be sure to act like a bunch of assholes and kill people in our fucking time of crisis. asshats!
on another note, fears are starting to fade, not by much i still worry about all of those things and more everyday. but he does things like randomly call me sexy or kiss my neck and shoulders out of the blue and i quit wondering if he really has changed. we both need to take steps back and remember the promises we made a month ago, like being romantic and doing romantic things just because it'll make the other person smile, give time to breathe and hangout by yourself or with friends, to compromise so it's not all take and all give. those are the major things. there is still no better feeling than waking up and feeling his hand rub my leg and let me curl up in the nook, or waking up from a bad dream and curling up next to him.
i'm still on the hunt for a car, mike from work said he'd be on the look out for one... it sure would be nice to have a working car again, for billie and i both.
so one of my dearest friends is having surgery tomorrow, she has cancer which she doesn't deserve, so i'll be at the hospital with her tomorrow, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this is the end of this battle with cancer and not the beginning. she has the most amazing heart in the world and i'm blessed to still call her a friend after the shit i've pulled.
peace & love
-j-
comment comment comment... c'mon if you're reading i want to know!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
"By 1:37 exactly Joe"
The past two days have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, and my mind is still reeling from it. I don't want to get into the details, mainly because I don't want to think about it, and partly because well, I don't want you guys to read about it.
This rain, has left me worried, and blessed. As most if not all of you know Middle Tennessee has had some major flood damage, and part of that flood damage has been to my family and friends. It makes me so thankful to know that I'm okay, and that my mom and dad are okay, and that, even though a lot of their houses are messed up... my family is okay as well. I knew yesterday that my grandmothers basement had flooded, that my cousin's Danny and Kim's house was flooded and they were trapped in it for hours (with their grandbaby who is four months old), my cousin Paul and his family are stuck in their subdivision with flooding, my cousin Lynn and his wife have also had flooding. There are various friends outside of families who's houses have flooded. And to me... these people deserved better than a flooded house, or to be trapped in their homes, or at a church (like my other Aunt and Uncle). They've all worked so very hard for what they have, and here I am, hardly worked at all for what I have and I'm safe and sound, along with my belongings?! I'm not complaining believe you me, I'm not, but I do think that I deserve some of it, I don't have a lot to loose, they... they did/do. Years of jobs that they've hated (or loved) familys and children to take care of. I've... lived off of my parents even with a job, and have a dog and cats. They are my children yes, but they are not human lives. It just, it makes me thank God for everything, but it makes me angry with him as well. These people my friends and family didn't deserve to be flooded, I'm sure your friends and family didn't either.
I have great friends, some of which i love dearly, but some of which make me wonder about myself. About what kind of person i'm going to become. Am I going to be someone who's remembered for having a great time, and being funny, but never smart or with a future? Am I going to be remembered as that one girl who dated that guy for a while, even though she was still in love with another guy? Am I going to be remembered as the girl that broke billies heart (along with her own) more than anyone can count? Am i going to be remembered as "that girl"? Like i said emotion roller coaster.
I miss being a child in Colorado, there were fears sure, what kid wasn't scared of being picked on and bullied? i hated it, it happened to me, trust me, i was not ms popular in school, never was. But my friends loved me greatly. Robyn and I (haha) would do the most silly things, one day I talked her into standing in the back of her dad's pick up truck and lifting up our dresses and flashing the cars as they drove by. that's the first time I remember Ida spanking me. I remember making a "fort" in their livingroom floor... we would take bricks and lay down sheets and stick a fan in it, and sleep in it. Or how in 7th grade we finally got to go to school together and I would get in trouble for talking to her in the hall while she was in class. All of my amazing childhood memories come from her and Ivan. Yes, my parents and family are also in there, they kind of had to be there. But we were so... i dunno. In pre-school I had a crush on my pre-school teachers son... Todd. Robyn would make so much fun of me for it, cause i didn't want help from anyone else but Todd. Those days are long gone, and Robyn as her own daughter to raise and take care of. I just wonder if I'll ever be so lucky, to have a child on my own. Deep down for as long as I remember I've just had a feeling that it would never happen. I also had a feeling that i would never see my 25th birthday, well I saw it, i passed it and next year will by my 27th! Let the panic begin...
I always had a time line... I wanted to date a guy for 6 months to a year... be engaged for 6 months, be married for a year and have or be pregnant by the time I was 25. I'm a whole year behind... well farther than that... I'm 26... I'm years behind. I haven't gone to college, I haven't done anything to help myself in life, I've drank a lot, done a lot of drugs, fallen in love twice, still in love now, and broken my heart more than i can think of. I don't know where this blog is going, or why, it's even still here. But this is what I do know, I'm 26, i'm with a man I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life, and I'm like a girl who has never been in a real relationship before, I panic and worry and get jealous and cry and hide it from him and everyone else.
When I laid down to sleep the other night, I had such a pain in my soul, it physically was hurting me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, like I was going to die right that second if I just didn't cry... and with each breath i took, it hurt more, with each tear that fell more pain shot through my soul. I remembered that pain, it's the same pain I felt with I found out Ivan died, it's the same pain i felt when I thought my mom was going to die. And all i wanted was to a small child again so i could sit in my mothers lap and feel safe and okay. I handle death well, I've known it since I was a child, I've known loss since before I can remember. And still I think about them everyday, and everyday it's a different feeling, it's anger, it's hurt, it's pain, it's not understanding, it's not being good enough, it's not being selfless enough, it's guilt, it's love, it's sorrow, it's missing, it's dulled and numb, it's sharp and excruciating. My biological parents, Piper, Shawn, Aunt Juanita, Aunt Ova, Uncle Ewing, Ivan, Emily, Ms Marcia, Cupcake, and so many more that I just can't bare to think of right now.
This has to get out of me sometimes, I can't feel that knife in my soul anymore. I can't go to sleep and cry over spilled milk anymore. So, you blog, and blog readers, I have to start getting this shit out of my mind and on to something thing else, because I can't deal with this shit strictly in my dreams anymore, or I'm going to have an panic attack in my sleep and never wake up. So either you guys stick with me here, or i'll just keep writing like you guys don't read, cause I'm not sure you guys do anyway.
-J-
This rain, has left me worried, and blessed. As most if not all of you know Middle Tennessee has had some major flood damage, and part of that flood damage has been to my family and friends. It makes me so thankful to know that I'm okay, and that my mom and dad are okay, and that, even though a lot of their houses are messed up... my family is okay as well. I knew yesterday that my grandmothers basement had flooded, that my cousin's Danny and Kim's house was flooded and they were trapped in it for hours (with their grandbaby who is four months old), my cousin Paul and his family are stuck in their subdivision with flooding, my cousin Lynn and his wife have also had flooding. There are various friends outside of families who's houses have flooded. And to me... these people deserved better than a flooded house, or to be trapped in their homes, or at a church (like my other Aunt and Uncle). They've all worked so very hard for what they have, and here I am, hardly worked at all for what I have and I'm safe and sound, along with my belongings?! I'm not complaining believe you me, I'm not, but I do think that I deserve some of it, I don't have a lot to loose, they... they did/do. Years of jobs that they've hated (or loved) familys and children to take care of. I've... lived off of my parents even with a job, and have a dog and cats. They are my children yes, but they are not human lives. It just, it makes me thank God for everything, but it makes me angry with him as well. These people my friends and family didn't deserve to be flooded, I'm sure your friends and family didn't either.
I have great friends, some of which i love dearly, but some of which make me wonder about myself. About what kind of person i'm going to become. Am I going to be someone who's remembered for having a great time, and being funny, but never smart or with a future? Am I going to be remembered as that one girl who dated that guy for a while, even though she was still in love with another guy? Am I going to be remembered as the girl that broke billies heart (along with her own) more than anyone can count? Am i going to be remembered as "that girl"? Like i said emotion roller coaster.
I miss being a child in Colorado, there were fears sure, what kid wasn't scared of being picked on and bullied? i hated it, it happened to me, trust me, i was not ms popular in school, never was. But my friends loved me greatly. Robyn and I (haha) would do the most silly things, one day I talked her into standing in the back of her dad's pick up truck and lifting up our dresses and flashing the cars as they drove by. that's the first time I remember Ida spanking me. I remember making a "fort" in their livingroom floor... we would take bricks and lay down sheets and stick a fan in it, and sleep in it. Or how in 7th grade we finally got to go to school together and I would get in trouble for talking to her in the hall while she was in class. All of my amazing childhood memories come from her and Ivan. Yes, my parents and family are also in there, they kind of had to be there. But we were so... i dunno. In pre-school I had a crush on my pre-school teachers son... Todd. Robyn would make so much fun of me for it, cause i didn't want help from anyone else but Todd. Those days are long gone, and Robyn as her own daughter to raise and take care of. I just wonder if I'll ever be so lucky, to have a child on my own. Deep down for as long as I remember I've just had a feeling that it would never happen. I also had a feeling that i would never see my 25th birthday, well I saw it, i passed it and next year will by my 27th! Let the panic begin...
I always had a time line... I wanted to date a guy for 6 months to a year... be engaged for 6 months, be married for a year and have or be pregnant by the time I was 25. I'm a whole year behind... well farther than that... I'm 26... I'm years behind. I haven't gone to college, I haven't done anything to help myself in life, I've drank a lot, done a lot of drugs, fallen in love twice, still in love now, and broken my heart more than i can think of. I don't know where this blog is going, or why, it's even still here. But this is what I do know, I'm 26, i'm with a man I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life, and I'm like a girl who has never been in a real relationship before, I panic and worry and get jealous and cry and hide it from him and everyone else.
When I laid down to sleep the other night, I had such a pain in my soul, it physically was hurting me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, like I was going to die right that second if I just didn't cry... and with each breath i took, it hurt more, with each tear that fell more pain shot through my soul. I remembered that pain, it's the same pain I felt with I found out Ivan died, it's the same pain i felt when I thought my mom was going to die. And all i wanted was to a small child again so i could sit in my mothers lap and feel safe and okay. I handle death well, I've known it since I was a child, I've known loss since before I can remember. And still I think about them everyday, and everyday it's a different feeling, it's anger, it's hurt, it's pain, it's not understanding, it's not being good enough, it's not being selfless enough, it's guilt, it's love, it's sorrow, it's missing, it's dulled and numb, it's sharp and excruciating. My biological parents, Piper, Shawn, Aunt Juanita, Aunt Ova, Uncle Ewing, Ivan, Emily, Ms Marcia, Cupcake, and so many more that I just can't bare to think of right now.
This has to get out of me sometimes, I can't feel that knife in my soul anymore. I can't go to sleep and cry over spilled milk anymore. So, you blog, and blog readers, I have to start getting this shit out of my mind and on to something thing else, because I can't deal with this shit strictly in my dreams anymore, or I'm going to have an panic attack in my sleep and never wake up. So either you guys stick with me here, or i'll just keep writing like you guys don't read, cause I'm not sure you guys do anyway.
-J-
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