"oh you know something.... that is nice"

Last time I tripped, I was doing just fine as long as Zombieland was on, and I had something to focus on, then when it was over, I went to the darkest place in my head, I worried about everything, the world randomly exploding and never fixing things with billie. I thought about my biological mother and father, if I have brothers and sisters who will never know who the fuck I am, or that I even exist. Which is a terrible feeling, to be genetically bonded to people and not even existing to them. I need to look into therapy probably, get all of this shit out to someone instead of my laptop, who is warm and comforting only sometimes. Anyway, back to when I was tripping, as i was trying to get myself out of this dark cave that i was mentally in, i would just end up burrowing deeper and deeper. Laying on the couch with my eyes closed in my head blood was everywhere, body parts scattered about my apartment, and it was my body. Like I cut myself into pieces and was leaving my body only to see that my life has really been nothing but a rouse. Then, i just snapped out of it... and I just went to a place in my head when everything was fun and carefree and I was a kid again, playing on a playground with Robyn and Ivan, flying kites and being silly, and everything was okay again. When I came down from the trip I was so sleepy, and as soon as I started to drift off to sleep, I had a series of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. Like being shoved back into this world was just too much for my brain to take, i looked around and saw a man I didn't love instead of the man I did, a messy apartment and no money or car to speak of. It was a harsh reality check, and I want to trip with billie so that when i do come down i'll be able to come down into a world that has the man i love and has always loved close to me, a not shitty apartment, and still no money to speak of, but fuck it, i'll have billie.

If I had a time machine I would do a few things.....
1) Go back to when I was a kid, and just play with Robyn and Ivan at the park, or go swimming in Mulberry Pool, be a kid again.
2) I would have never cheated on billie all of those times, and I would have been better to him the first go around, cause hopefully there would be just that go around and we would still be on that go around.
3) I would go sit in Ivans car and keep him awake so that he wouldn't have fallen asleep behind the wheel and would still be there as a husband, father, son, and brother. I think about Ivan all the time, and I cry every time, I haven't even seen him since I was 16 and my soul just hurts knowing that he's not even in this world. Ivan was my first love I suppose, the first boy i ever liked. I used to get all dressed up and pretty when I found out that Robyn and Ivan were coming over, because I wanted to impress him, I wanted him to marry me and be my husband. The things you do when you're a child.
4) I would go see Piper in the hospital before she died, to tell her that I'll think of her often and miss her dearly.

I've always said that I would never go back and change any part of my life, but honestly, I would and it would be those 4 things. 

I think I've shed enough tears over this blog, my eyes sting, and my nose is running, and I don't want to cry anymore.

-J-

Ivan Jacob Loyd
July 31, 1982-
January 6, 2009

"Mister can I have your watch after you are dead?"

There are somethings I'm just going to have to get the fuck over...
1) I'm never going to find a car in the price range I can afford.
2) I hate my job, and I miss Asurion everyday... I hate Rick Harrod.
3) Three is always a crowd in a single cab truck.
4) I'll never be good with money
5) That I'll never have what -really- want when I -need- it
6) The past haunts... it haunts me, it'll haunt you, and it'll haunt your best friend etc etc.
7) My biological mother and/or father weren't totally honest when it came to mental disorders, I have to had got it from somewhere right?
8) Ex-bosses will never treat you the same ever again, no matter how close you were when you worked there.
9) About 10 other things that are to personal and/or hurtful to myself or someone else to actually post.


I just wrote and deleted about 4 paragraphs... it sucks when what you think, and what you feel, isn't okay to feel by other peoples standards. Partly because it makes them feel guilty, but in a way, you want them to feel guilty... but then you feel guilty for clicking "Publish Post". 

-J-

"i can delerlick my own balls"

sitting for an hour waiting for my shift to start... it's my friday, thank god... after yesterday i don't think i could handle two more days in this place. don't get it twisted, all and all my job isn't hard... or bad, i'm just lost here. i don't really get to work next to people so i don't talk and i feel pretty lonely. poor billie has to deal with me when i get home, my neediness wanting more affection and conversation than i typically do because i do so often feel alone for 8-10 hours a day.

i finally made it though the night with a full nights sleep. i think i woke up once because jasta made a noise or billie elbowed me or something. now i'm just sleepy... i finally got sleep and that's all i want to do. i have tomorrow off so at least i can take some naps tomorrow between video games and hanging out with jasta.

my brothers book Historical Tweets came out today... well technically you could buy it online yesterday but i think bookstores starting carrying it today. i'm so proud of him, he has always been such a smart hard working honest amazing brother. he is a marketing genious and probably the most witty person i know. so if you read this, next time you're in a bookstore ask where Historical Tweets is you don't have yo buy it (although i wish you would) but at least flip through it and give yourself a good laugh. there is all kinds of humor in it, something for everyone... yes this is a plug... and fuck no i don't care... it's my blog and i'll plug whatever i want!

maybe we'll be slow and i can walk to billies truck and just chill for a while... maybe i'll just sleepin his truck all night... that would rule, except whe i would have to pee. that could get messy. i wonder what asurions policy of pissing outside is.


-j-

i've fucked up in the past month come home wasted and passed out, never did anything to physically harm anyone, stayed faithful and will stay faithful because i do love billie so much. i've done what he's asked as far as the contact with certian people go that make him uncomfortable. i'm really really trying, and i'm starting to wonder if it's some of that good old fashioned too little to late shit. we've both botched our relationships in the past, we've both shut up and shut down, we've both done things we aren't proud of and we've both waited until the damage was done to repair it. ii'm not gonna do that again, i'm not gonna sit around and wait to work on us when the shit is already bad. i want us to work on us -now- when it's good. and i i wonder if that is something we can -both- do at the same time. if it is something we're both -willing- to do at the same time. voice concerns and fix them, equally.

relationships are hard enough as it is, fixing things that are broken, bruised, cut, scared, burned and ripped to shreads doesn't make things easier. but if you do them the outcome is so much better, it's healthier it's just more gratfying at the end of the day to lay down and sleep soundly without the past haunting you. without wondering if they're lying to you, or not taking what you say seriously, or into account at all.

all i've ever wanted in this worldd is to marry an amazing man and have x2 amazing kids and raise them with love and hugs and kisses never wondering if they're loved. and i can do that with billie if we just learn how to talk and not shut up and shut down. so i guess that's my new daily prayer... strength to heal everything that's hurting us as a couple.

-j-

"it had to be a clown...."

this no car thing is really starting to wear thin, like an really old piece of lace. i know if i'm sick of it billie has to be even more sick of it... having to loose two hours of his day so i can get to and from work. at least he just works across the street, it could be much worse and i would be screwed. i thought i would have more to write about but apparently i don't.

these dreams i've been having are really starting to bother me. it's stopped being realistic "someone is trying to kill me, someone is trying to rape me" dreams and started being "this is what you've been repressing, this is what's bothering you, this is how this fight would billie would go, this is not going to change, you're not going to change, and he's not going to change" dreams. when all of the dreams you remember having cause you to wake up crying and confused because he's sleeping like nothing happened, you just don't want to go to sleep. it feels like i haven't slept in a week, i have, but never well.

work is work, i've been having a hard time here not making friends, not really trying to either. there is no working side by side with people here when you're picking. there is no chance to get to know the people you work with, unless you already know someone. so it's beeb lonely, so after 10 hours of pretty much not talking all day it's hard to break the cycle and talk at all. but when i do, i won't shut up and it's about nothing important. i feel like i rarely have something of any importance to say. which is funny because of this blog and facebook and the new youtube show with kate (superuberfysuc) i'm talking more. although on the youtube show it's mostly kate. i'm still not confortable being seen by the masses.

i'm starting to become super protective of mine and billies relationship. he works with this cool girl and she makes me nervous... he's never cheated on me and i don't think he would start now, but when he tells me things like "she sat in my truck with me on break" i got mad. i'm totally fine with her... like i said she's a cool chick, i just don't like some chick sitting where i go. i think it's left overr "who's dick syndrom" i spoke about earlier. i'm just a mess, a hot mess.



-j-

"you mocked me once never do it again... i died that day"

As it seems, billy and i are at a crossroad, we both can't really live comfortably in our own places. and honestly i'm never at my place really, there is no t.v so it's boring. but the kids are there... so we hang there and sleep there if he agrees to. but as it seems money is tight for both of us. he keeps saying things like "you know it would be easier if we lived together" and things such as that. and as much as i love him (i love you baby so much) the thought of us living together so quickly again is scary. the pressure of all of it just worries me, and i'm not sure of the reasons for us living together right now... is it to save money or is because we love each other deeply? i'm not sure i want to live with anyone for the reason of bills again. this is probably a conversation i needed to bring up to him before i posted it all on the good ole interweb, but i just now thought about it and he's had a less than fun day and is worrying about a different world right now. i don't want to pull him out of that.

on a totally different note... work... lets talk work. i like my job at HTDC i seem to be doing it well. but thanks to good old asurion and learning how to pick there i'm holding myself to a higher standard than i probably should. i was sp upset sunday that i just wanted to cry and panic and jump off the IFC second level. billie has had more than enough faith in me for this job, and tries so hard to remind me that i'm still learning, that i need to ease up on myself. but hearing that while it's so wonderful to know he loves me and has the faith of the world in me, makes me feel like i can't let him down with a bad day at work, or a low production. shhhhhiiiiit, i envy his work eithics he works his ass off everyday when no one else will. granted he hates his job, but he's damn good of it... and often proud of the work he does at the end of the day (even if it's cluttered with the raw hatred for asurion). i want to work my ass off like he does and be as good as him... if not better (hey... i've always tried to be like him in one way or another... i just give up cause he's so damn good at so many things). he makes me want to be a better person.

i think i'm loosing my footing on my mind, i'm getting jealous over things that are stupid. not even things that are related to me in anyway. i'm starting to over think every step, every breath, and every blink. my dreams are getting worse, while not waking me up in the middle of the night just more haunting. it makes me wonder what i have in store for me coming up this year. to top it off i can't seem to stand upright i'm wobbling between manic and depressive so quickly now that i can't tell what mood i'm even in. and the thing about that is, i'm happy with my life right now. i have the love of my life (death cannot stop true love), a job, jasta and the kitties, a new car (soon very soon) and what seems to be growing friendships with good peop
e. so yeah i'm happy... i just don't know what mood i'm ever in.


-j-

"there is a different kind if evil that we should fear the most, and that is the indifference of good men"

My past haunts me in pretty much everyway. my friends have big mouths and don't think when they speak. there is really no way to make that stop, get new friends (but i like mine) or move. i'm liking the idea of moving, starting over somewhere else, a new start, fresh air. it's the weight of my guilt, that keeps me down, that stops me from being better. everything i do that is nice kind and genuine is for those reasons, but it doesn't come across that way in my head sometimes. in my head i think he sees it as something i'm doing to kiss ass or out of guilt. well, it's out of love and nothing more than that.

when i can't sleep through the night because my past has shown up and tapped us on the shoulder and taken yet another talley in the war zone, i have to sleep with it. sleeping with nothing but nightmares filled with failure of the -one- thing i want to work in my life is a large part of my life now.

i'm no angel, never have been, i don't -want- to be... but i do -want- to be a good person with a good heart. and sometimes i just miss things that i shouldn't have missed. how could i ever be so mean? i never mean to. there has to be some classified ad for people looking for a better conscience. i need one sometimes.

i've been nothing but hopeful, and faithful thus far, and i wonder if it's my past and my bad choices that are going to squish this wonderful thing that billie and i have. there is no better feeling than laying down next to the person that you would save,( even if saving them sends you to heaven) wrapping your arms around each other and having the world just melt away. i'm lucky enough to have that everynight thus far. i want nothing more than for my past to fuck off be forgotten and have nothing but the clear beautiful future in fromt of us. sadly, the past allows manages to judo chop us in the throat.

dear god, give me the strength to be a better person, now more than ever i feel the need to be better.


-J-

"Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener"

This is my fourth attempt at writing this blog, I've gotten two sentences in and go, "nope that's horseshit" ::backspace backspace backspace bbbbaaaaccccccckkkkkkssssspppppaaaaaccccceeee:: and the only reason I'm not currently backspacing is, well I'm afraid I'm going to break my backspace key, and that would make me sad, and make for some very horrible blogs, which could be funny if you like terrible spelling, poor grammar, and blogs that pretty much are impossible to read. If that's your bag then, right on, wish me to break my backspace, but I don't really want to.

Now that I wasted all of that time and all of those words, we should get to business.

I posted a status on FB today that said "Sometimes my thoughts are just too much to bare." and it's true, sometimes my brain gets all jumbled in things that don't really matter, like what happens when I'm not around, or what -could- happen when I'm not around. I find myself spacing out and thinking of the worst possible things, I try not to, but it does happen. In this world riddled with media, sex, beauty, violence, and most certain unpleasantries, I try my hardest to see the "sunny side" to keep my chin up and look for the good in everything. But sometimes, when I close my eyes to sleep, or am driving with no music my head goes to these bad places. Thinking the worst thoughts, and when it's about other people, it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough, like I'm not really what they want; either as a friend, lover, sister, daughter, whatever. I was talking to Jeff last night, and we were discussing being healthy and in shape. And I told him that I'm in no means comfortable in my skin, that I don't like my body pretty much in anyway. He was awesome enough to be honest with me and said that he thinks my body is fine, but if I'm not comfortable in it then he would go to the gym with me, and keep me motivated to get the body that I would like. And now upon thinking it, I don't think I'll ever have a body that I like, that I'm proud of. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable enough to walk out on a beach in Miami and not cover up.

Billy tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and he does the sweetest things, for instance... this... Blue October- Balance Beam (cover), followed by roses with a key to his apartment tied around it with a red ribbon (which I made into my current key chain). Billy sometimes seems like the only amazing thing in my life right now, I have a lot of good things, but he's the only thing that when I think of I just relax. I have a hard time showing him that, I think it's left over "who's dick syndrome" cause while I've been a good girl, and have been telling people very clearly that I have a boyfriend and they have no chance not even to bother, I still worry about karma and him doing it to me. Like this is just one cruel joke, like he and everyone else are just sitting around, laughing about how funny it's going to be when the shoe is on the other foot and he breaks my heart. Well, he's broken my heart, not in the same way, but he's broken it before, I just don't want this whole thing to be a rouse. I suppose what I'm saying in all of this muttering, that I'm scared, very scared that the one amazing thing in my life is going to just... poof... dissipate.

Plans for the day, nothing, not going anywhere, just gonna chill at home and try not to kill the kids, while they attempt to kill me. Maybe i'll sit outside and, sit. I dunno.


-J-

"love is friendship on fire"

Somewhere in the mist of being angry for what happened at work this morning, coming home being aggravated with the animals or "kids" as we call them, taking a nap, watching a couple movies, going to walmart, listening to Spill Canvas, and taking a shower, I've had ever possible mood today. I was nervous, annoyed, pissed, calm, relaxed, aggravated, lazy, sad, happy, impulsive, angry, content, discontent, excited, horny, and pretty much all of the others. And as i was putting my new anti-wrinkle cream on after my shower (yes anti-wrinkle cream... i'll talk about it in a minute) I realized, that typically I don't go through so many moods on days when i drink, or smoke or whatever. And I was thinking about it, as I do, that when i drink, if i start off in a good mood, i'll stay in a good mood, if it's sad i'll stay sad, etc etc etc, and i pretty much decided that when i have some substance in my body my moods typically stay the same as they were when i started drinking or smoking. which is weird for me, because benzos (valum, xanex etc) make me freak out. It's a rule in this house now that if I'm going to be taking any sort of benzo that I'm not to be left alone. It makes me panic instead of calm, Adderall instead of making hyper, alert and focused makes me fall asleep. I stay awake after taking 6 benadryl with no problem, and nyquil makes me hyper and dayquil makes me sleepy. I would typically say that one of this things is probably typical for most people, but most of the time, what the drug is -supposed- to do, it does the opposite.  Shrooms make me sleepy, or maybe it's relaxed which is what it's suppose to do, ecstasy makes me roll and does what it's suppose to do.

So as I was saying I was putting my anti-wrinkle cream on my face and had a slight moment of panic. What if using this stuff, makes me wrinkle? What if i use this stuff to save my face (cause lets face it, i don't take good care of myself one bit) and instead it makes me look like a 90 year woman, at 26?! There is no Christian Troy and Sean McNamara in Middle Tennessee! I would be old at 26. That got me thinking about being a mother, and how old that makes ya look sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I think the world -should- have an assload of little me's running around. It would be fucking adorable, you would agree if you saw me as a child. the cutest face ever, and i do mean ever. But besides that Billie and i have talked about having kids, we've been together for so long that it's a normal conversation. I asked him last night if he though I had the patience to raise kids, to be a mother. he of course like any good boyfriend answered quickly with a very firm yes. Truth be told i love kids, just not mine... all the time. hitler, ava, and jasta are quite the handful when they're all hyper. It could just be that they are animals and basically have no understanding of what english is.

Billie has walked through the door, and now I've lost all train of thought.

-J- 

"you have christ between your thighs"

i got to work way too early. it's begun, my decent back into americas workforce where uncle sam can take most of my money and in a poor attempt try to apologize for it once a year. well you know what uncle sam,i'm ofraid it's too late to apologize.

now that, that's out of my system, and while i have a minute, i want to thank two people for having more faith in me than i have in myself on a good day. momma, and billie. i spoke with both of them about my rattled nerves for this job and they told me the same thing. i'm pretty lucky to have such a badass mom -and- boyfriend.

it's time for the plunge... wish me luck and smarts.... i'm going to need it.


Well... after waiting for 40 minutes on the man that was suppose to train us, "that guy" (as his name tag reads) informed us, that HTDC just realized he wasn't there today. WTF?! First... we were told not to be late, or miss today because our assignment would be ended. That training is something scheduled for a few weeks ahead of time and that it doesn't happen often, so if we missed it, we would have no job. So I woke -my- ass up at 8:00am to be there to be -trained- at 10:00am. I got there early, sat around wasted my gas and my time only for the -trainer- NOT to be there, hypocritical much? So now, I get to miss another 6-8 hours on my paycheck for their fuck up. And I get to wake my ass up at 8:00am -again- instead of noon. Awesome.


At least I got to wake up next to billie in our bed this morning, and yesterday morning as well. It was so nice to roll over and see his face, and have him slip his arm around me and just hold me. Even after waking up ass early and wasting gas, it's going to be a good day, i can feel it in my soul.

J

"Are you ready to let the dogs out?"

The tables have started to turn, hopefully that doesn't mean I'll loose something to keep the scales even. I finally got a call back on the Hot Topic job that I wanted. the shifts are almost perfect coinciding with Billies, which is good. We'll have different days off, but we'll have Saturdays together still, which is better than no days.

There are these moments when I just know that there has to be some sort of God watching out for me and making sure that my life gets put together when I think it's just going to fall into pieces. And getting the call about the job, was one of those moments. Thinking about those moments I've realized that I get a lot more of them than I realize. One of those moments in-particular is when Billie text me back with a little bit of planted knowledge from a friend, that moment was one of the most confusing refreshing moments in my life.

I know a lot of you are still confused by the happenings of this past week, and someone of you are hurt by them. To those of you hurt, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you but there is a driving force that happens when I'm with him that I've never had before, and it's not something I'm willing to give up this time around. To those of you confused by it, well, if you've known Billie and I together, when it's good and when we're like we are now then you understand. If you've known us when it's not good, and like it has been in the past, you know how much it hurts both of us when we're like that, so then still you should understand. And if you don't understand at all, then you probably weren't the friend that you thought you were in the first place.

I'm nervous about going back to work, just like a child going to school for the first time. You want people to like you, you want to do your best, you want to fit in. You want to sit at the popular table and make people laugh. I want to do all of those things except, I don't want to fit in exactly, I want to be liked but not well liked, I want to do my best but not bust my ass for nothing in return and I want to make people laugh. Lets face it, I'm pretty funny. I'm also nervous because of Billie, because I know he'll be nervous about some "D.L" or "C.B"  working there and trying to tell me that I'm in a bad relationship. Well, here is a little known fact about my history with Billie, I've never cheated when things are good, not once. Only when things sucked. And here is another little known fact that would probably do some good for you guys to know, we've discussed what to do when it looks like a rut may be coming upon us. We're not going to take this relationship lying down, we're not going to let things go for days and weeks without talking about them. We're going to pull each other up out of tilts and help each other stand tall and proud of our lives no matter how rough things get.

To my friends that worry you'll never see me out and about anymore, don't worry, I'll be out, and I'll be the same fun Jess that I was my entire life, but, I'll have a boyfriend who I'll stand by and be faithful to. It's in writing, it's a contract now technically, and I'm not one for law suites. So with that, it's time for me to sing in the shower and make the neighbors want to shoot themselves in the face, I've got a man coming home at 11:30 and he needs to have a not so gross girlfriend waiting on him.

-J-

"You wanna play games? I know a shit ton of games!"

I don't want this weekend to be over, it's been so much like heaven. There are no amount of words that can cover the feeling if having your very best friend back into your life. I was thinking about what happened between billie and i this last time when we spilt up, or rather when i broke his heart (and my own in the process) how i prayed for God to give me an answer on what would be best for me. I prayed and prayed, God said chris. i went the chris path. it obviously was for more reasons then i thought it would be. in my last post i talked about how much i thought about the mistakes that i made with him over the past 6 years. and thinking about the chris situation i realized what i needed to do to keep things good and healthy with billie this time around. how i need to keep myself open, not only by talking, but by keeping an open mind to not only his life but what i can do to improve upon my own life. it was a breath of fresh air in a gas chamber. don't get me wrong, chris was a good boyfriend and cared very much so about me as a person and my life. i'll always be thankful for that. i think what i'm trying to get at, is not that God answered my prayers when i needed him, but that he did it in a way that would make my life better. i knew somewhere deep down that there will never be a love quite like this in my life. and i know upfront and honestly that i don't want another love in my life besides billie. he makes things so quiet in my head when there is nothing but voices and screams. i don't know why i feel the need to put this online, or even type it out, but i did and it's here and i'm happy, so very happy.


"i don't want to be the one to let you down...."


-J-

"Dude I totally missed you..."

There is a difference between talking to someone and taaaaaaaaaaaalking to someone. You know, conversations can be lighthearted and they can be so deep that you don't even realize that you're opening your own eyes by opening your mouth. I, can talk to -anyone-, about almost anything, at anytime; that's just the way I work, but I can't really really talk to anyone. Except him, my best friend, my lover, my buttercup, and my favorite book; we've been talking and talking and talking and talking, about everything near and far, above and beyond the way that we've ever talking before.

For a long time, before things ended between Billie and I, I thought that I couldn't feel anything, I thought that numbness was- love, anger, hatred, stress, depression, happiness, contentment, and discombobulation. I turned myself off, like a light switch, because numb was much better than actual feelings. Turns out, actual feelings when felt with the correct person can make you fly, not literally, although that would be utterly super bad ass.

I'm gonna catch a lot of shit, for working things out with Billie, a lot, from a lot of people. And they can shove it right up that tight little hole that poop comes out of. (YOU HEAR ME?! SHOVE IT!) Billie is going to catch way more than I am, period. I don't think people understand the whole that you feel when your best friend is -gone-. When your best friend -hates- you, when your best friend wants to -die- without their other half. I don't want to die, ever, not with my best friend rockin' my right side. But that feeling off all of that leaves you voided and empty and like you don't have half of your mind, heart, or soul.

I think I did a lot of growing up, this past month, a lot of looking back and realizing what mistakes I had made, not this past time with Billie, but all of the mistakes with him for the past 6 years. We needed a break him and I, and we never did it correctly, and we never did it in a painless way, wait wait wait, -I- never did it correctly, and -I- never did it in a painless way. We both needed to get things right in our heads (we both still do) which is why we're not moving in together, we're not crowding each other, we're not going to be around each other 24 hours a day. We needed the smoke to clear and the dust to settle and the hurt to fade just a little bit, I needed to know how it felt to miss him, I needed to know he was swapping sides, I needed to call him in a month or two and have him hang up the phone.

The point to all of this is, 1- I love Billie, you may not understand it, and you never will if you don't already. 2- I have my best friend back, there for I'm whole again. and 3- Billie---- dude i totally miss you, i really fucking miss you, im all alone, all the time, all the time, dude i totally miss you, the things we do together, where have you gone?totally miss the honesty, and special times and honestly, i totally miss the fucked up things you do.


-J-

"Sort your fucking life out mate!"

So it is, just like you said it would be, life so easy on me, most of the time.

To people that actually follow my blog have probably noticed that it's all deleted. When I started writing this blog I intended to write about every aspect of my life good and bad. And I did quite candidly, pictures and all. Now, I don't want so much of my life to be aired like laundry, or my body to be posted up for everyone to see. I hid my blogs from my family knowing that they would be disappointed in me if they came across it for any reason. I've always preached about family being the most important thing, and I lost site of that. I know my family is by no means proud of me, if anything I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak. Hell, to me I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak.

Chris and I have split up, he moved out last night when he got off of work. A lot of people thought it was an April Fools joke, it wasn't, at all. Now, I've backed myself into a corner as far as rent and bills go. I don't even have electric in my name right now. Which means I'm violating my lease and am probably going to get evicted anyway. I thought I would be working by now, but Select Staffing still has no job openings at all. And if they did I would have no way to know about it because my phone is cut off. I'm sure this sounds like a pity party, and I don't want your pity or your parties.I'm 26, on the verge of being homeless with no (working) car, no (working) cell phone, and debt up to my ears.

I don't want to be here in this mess, I want to keep my head out of the water, and I thought I was. I'm 2000 leagues under the sea and I just ran out of oxygen in my dive tank. This could have all been avoided if I wasn't so impulsive, or if I just stopped to think about what I was doing for more than 2 seconds. There is a line between over-thinking and under-thinking, and I haven't found it yet. I walk and talk big game about how I know what I want to do with my life, when it comes down to it, I still just want to get married and have babies. Well, getting married and having babies doesn't pay bills, as a matter of fact it does the opposite of that. Working in warehouses and restaurants for the rest of my life is no answer either, it'll pay the bills but I don't want to be some 40 year old working in a warehouse because I don't know how to do anything else.

There has to be some major changes that happen in my life, and they need to happen -now-, not two months from now, not two years from now, but like 2 years ago. I'm about to go have lunch with my mom, which I'm really nervous about because, I know how upset she is at me, I know how much I've disappointed her, and I know how much I've hurt them. Also because we're going to the bank, and either one of three things is going to happen. Either she's cutting off my bank account from hers, canceling it period, or she's gonna pull out my "trust" money and dig me out of this hole. Either way, it's not going to a fun event listening to how much I've let her down, and how much I've hurt them.

This blog has been longer than I intended it to be, and I don't know how much I'll blog from here on out, or if I will at all. The world may never know.

Jess