"Meet me in Montauk"

This is going to be last blog from the discomfort of Tennessee, so it might end up being a doozy, or it might end up being nothing of any importance at all. I guess it all depends on how you take it, or how far you read, either way it's all up to you.

There as been an on going battle of self worth with myself here, and it's been going on for years, as long as I can remember as a matter of fact. I've never really been a mentally sound person, I've gone to war with myself more than once, and have lost more than once to my own personal demons. I've caved to the pressures of friends and what I thought would be okay. I suppose people really do lead by example, and following those people got me into a lot of shit that haunts me to this day. So I've decided to sign a contract of peace with myself, to not bow down to those demons that have made me the cold-hearted person that I've striven to be for so long. In the fine print of this contract I've made rules to satisfy myself in healthy ways, in creative ways, and not bloody self-destructive ways. I've added in christian elements to keep my head on my shoulders and to treat people well no matter how big it makes me feel to treat them badly. I don't want to come with a warning label of "she'll say mean shit to you.". I want to step out of the shadow that people have thrown me under, the shadow of  everyone else, that tried so hard to be a friend and forgot the most important part of being a friend... which is plan and simple... talking for other reasons than you just need something. There is a world outside of a bar, outside of a pipe, outside of a pool table and karaoke. That's the world I want to be apart of, the world where friends get together and bullshit and talk about important things and not just what happened at the pub last night. Or how much it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back, or how guilty you feel for cheating on your boy/girlfriend but it just had to be done for whatever reason. I don't mean to be on a soapbox or sound like I'm any better than you or you friends, because I'm not, I have no box of soap and we all know I've done my fair share of cheating. But I have come to a point in my life where I want to grow up and be a good person, because if I don't do it now, I fear I never will.

Packing up all of this stuff yet again and moving far away isn't going to be the answer to all of my problems or any of them, but it feels so empowering to be shadow stepping. There is a list of things a mile long that I want to do now, and there isn't any fear to stop me. There aren't going to be people that I know standing there to judge me and talk behind my back. I'm gonna try to start writing again, I already have a little bit, it's not wonderful and it probably really sucks but I'm proud that I even wrote it. I plan on painting again, a lot, taking pictures, and maybe just maybe talking Billy and whoever else into giving me a shot to be the front girl I've always dreamed of being. I've prepared myself for the answer of "no" or "you're not good enough" and that's fine, but I feel like I can actually try it now, without looking across the room and seeing the person with the actual talent rolling his eyes. Which by the way the actual talent seemed to be nothing but a flashy show of copy and paste. Zero respect for that.

I'm trying my hardest not to call people out on what I believe are huge mistakes in their lives, but I'm going to listen to that angel sitting on my shoulder and remember that I'm no better than them, and that I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. I know I've stated over and over again that there is a new Jess on the up-rise but I've never actually put her in the game, well moving to a new place where only one person -really- knows me seems like the best chance to put old Jess on the bench and bring new Jess out for a few seasons.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm going to be close to having a full family. Moving there and being a family with Billy and his is something I'm really looking forward to. Corey is already like a little brother to me, and this time I actually get to be a part of the family. Maybe not by blood (but hell I've never had that anyway) and not legally (yet xD) but still. I hope I can be a good "sister-in-law" to him, and he knows that he can come to billy and I for any reason day and night. I'm excited about getting to know the people Billy has called his "brothers" for so long, and I hope they embrace me the way that they've embraced him.

There are a lot of hopes and dreams that I have for the future, and they've never looked brighter. I'm not scared for Billy and I's relationship, we've worked very hard on so many things, and this is just going to make us stronger so no fear there. Thank God.

-J-