"By 1:37 exactly Joe"

The past two days have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, and my mind is still reeling from it. I don't want to get into the details, mainly because I don't want to think about it, and partly because well, I don't want you guys to read about it.

This rain, has left me worried, and blessed. As most if not all of you know Middle Tennessee has had some major flood damage, and part of that flood damage has been to my family and friends. It makes me so thankful to know that I'm okay, and that my mom and dad are okay, and that, even though a lot of their houses are messed up... my family is okay as well. I knew yesterday that my grandmothers basement had flooded, that my cousin's Danny and Kim's house was flooded and they were trapped in it for hours (with their grandbaby who is four months old), my cousin Paul and his family are stuck in their subdivision with flooding, my cousin Lynn and his wife have also had flooding. There are various friends outside of families who's houses have flooded. And to me... these people deserved better than a flooded house, or to be trapped in their homes, or at a church (like my other Aunt and Uncle). They've all worked so very hard for what they have, and here I am, hardly worked at all for what I have and I'm safe and sound, along with my belongings?! I'm not complaining believe you me, I'm not, but I do think that I deserve some of it, I don't have a lot to loose, they... they did/do. Years of jobs that they've hated (or loved) familys and children to take care of. I've... lived off of my parents even with a job, and have a dog and cats. They are my children yes, but they are not human lives. It just, it makes me thank God for everything, but it makes me angry with him as well. These people my friends and family didn't deserve to be flooded, I'm sure your friends and family didn't either.

I have great friends, some of which i love dearly, but some of which make me wonder about myself. About what kind of person i'm going to become. Am I going to be someone who's remembered for having a great time, and being funny, but never smart or with a future? Am I going to be remembered as that one girl who dated that guy for a while, even though she was still in love with another guy? Am I going to be remembered as the girl that broke billies heart (along with her own) more than anyone can count? Am i going to be remembered as "that girl"? Like i said emotion roller coaster.

I miss being a child in Colorado, there were fears sure, what kid wasn't scared of being picked on and bullied? i hated it, it happened to me, trust me, i was not ms popular in school, never was. But my friends loved me greatly. Robyn and I (haha) would do the most silly things, one day I talked her into standing in the back of her dad's pick up truck and lifting up our dresses and flashing the cars as they drove by. that's the first time I remember Ida spanking me. I remember making a "fort" in their livingroom floor... we would take bricks and lay down sheets and stick a fan in it, and sleep in it. Or how in 7th grade we finally got to go to school together and I would get in trouble for talking to her in the hall while she was in class. All of my amazing childhood memories come from her and Ivan. Yes, my parents and family are also in there, they kind of had to be there. But we were so... i dunno. In pre-school I had a crush on my pre-school teachers son... Todd. Robyn would make so much fun of me for it, cause i didn't want help from anyone else but Todd. Those days are long gone, and Robyn as her own daughter to raise and take care of. I just wonder if I'll ever be so lucky, to have a child on my own. Deep down for as long as I remember I've just had a feeling that it would never happen. I also had a feeling that i would never see my 25th birthday, well I saw it, i passed it and next year will by my 27th! Let the panic begin...

I always had a time line... I wanted to date a guy for 6 months to a year... be engaged for 6 months, be married for a year and have or be pregnant by the time I was 25. I'm a whole year behind... well farther than that... I'm 26... I'm years behind. I haven't gone to college, I haven't done anything to help myself in life, I've drank a lot, done a lot of drugs, fallen in love twice, still in love now, and broken my heart more than i can think of. I don't know where this blog is going, or why, it's even still here. But this is what I do know, I'm 26, i'm with a man I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life, and I'm like a girl who has never been in a real relationship before, I panic and worry and get jealous and cry and hide it from him and everyone else.

When I laid down to sleep the other night, I had such a pain in my soul, it physically was hurting me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, like I was going to die right that second if I just didn't cry... and with each breath i took, it hurt more, with each tear that fell more pain shot through my soul. I remembered that pain, it's the same pain I felt with I found out Ivan died, it's the same pain i felt when I thought my mom was going to die. And all i wanted was to a small child again so i could sit in my mothers lap and feel safe and okay. I handle death well, I've known it since I was a child, I've known loss since before I can remember. And still I think about them everyday, and everyday it's a different feeling, it's anger, it's hurt, it's pain, it's not understanding, it's not being good enough, it's not being selfless enough, it's guilt, it's love, it's sorrow, it's missing, it's dulled and numb, it's sharp and excruciating. My biological parents, Piper, Shawn, Aunt Juanita, Aunt Ova, Uncle Ewing, Ivan, Emily, Ms Marcia, Cupcake, and so many more that I just can't bare to think of right now.

This has to get out of me sometimes, I can't feel that knife in my soul anymore. I can't go to sleep and cry over spilled milk anymore. So, you blog, and blog readers, I have to start getting this shit out of my mind and on to something thing else, because I can't deal with this shit strictly in my dreams anymore, or I'm going to have an panic attack in my sleep and never wake up. So either you guys stick with me here, or i'll just keep writing like you guys don't read, cause I'm not sure you guys do anyway.

-J- 

"oh you know something.... that is nice"

Last time I tripped, I was doing just fine as long as Zombieland was on, and I had something to focus on, then when it was over, I went to the darkest place in my head, I worried about everything, the world randomly exploding and never fixing things with billie. I thought about my biological mother and father, if I have brothers and sisters who will never know who the fuck I am, or that I even exist. Which is a terrible feeling, to be genetically bonded to people and not even existing to them. I need to look into therapy probably, get all of this shit out to someone instead of my laptop, who is warm and comforting only sometimes. Anyway, back to when I was tripping, as i was trying to get myself out of this dark cave that i was mentally in, i would just end up burrowing deeper and deeper. Laying on the couch with my eyes closed in my head blood was everywhere, body parts scattered about my apartment, and it was my body. Like I cut myself into pieces and was leaving my body only to see that my life has really been nothing but a rouse. Then, i just snapped out of it... and I just went to a place in my head when everything was fun and carefree and I was a kid again, playing on a playground with Robyn and Ivan, flying kites and being silly, and everything was okay again. When I came down from the trip I was so sleepy, and as soon as I started to drift off to sleep, I had a series of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. Like being shoved back into this world was just too much for my brain to take, i looked around and saw a man I didn't love instead of the man I did, a messy apartment and no money or car to speak of. It was a harsh reality check, and I want to trip with billie so that when i do come down i'll be able to come down into a world that has the man i love and has always loved close to me, a not shitty apartment, and still no money to speak of, but fuck it, i'll have billie.

If I had a time machine I would do a few things.....
1) Go back to when I was a kid, and just play with Robyn and Ivan at the park, or go swimming in Mulberry Pool, be a kid again.
2) I would have never cheated on billie all of those times, and I would have been better to him the first go around, cause hopefully there would be just that go around and we would still be on that go around.
3) I would go sit in Ivans car and keep him awake so that he wouldn't have fallen asleep behind the wheel and would still be there as a husband, father, son, and brother. I think about Ivan all the time, and I cry every time, I haven't even seen him since I was 16 and my soul just hurts knowing that he's not even in this world. Ivan was my first love I suppose, the first boy i ever liked. I used to get all dressed up and pretty when I found out that Robyn and Ivan were coming over, because I wanted to impress him, I wanted him to marry me and be my husband. The things you do when you're a child.
4) I would go see Piper in the hospital before she died, to tell her that I'll think of her often and miss her dearly.

I've always said that I would never go back and change any part of my life, but honestly, I would and it would be those 4 things. 

I think I've shed enough tears over this blog, my eyes sting, and my nose is running, and I don't want to cry anymore.

-J-

Ivan Jacob Loyd
July 31, 1982-
January 6, 2009

"Mister can I have your watch after you are dead?"

There are somethings I'm just going to have to get the fuck over...
1) I'm never going to find a car in the price range I can afford.
2) I hate my job, and I miss Asurion everyday... I hate Rick Harrod.
3) Three is always a crowd in a single cab truck.
4) I'll never be good with money
5) That I'll never have what -really- want when I -need- it
6) The past haunts... it haunts me, it'll haunt you, and it'll haunt your best friend etc etc.
7) My biological mother and/or father weren't totally honest when it came to mental disorders, I have to had got it from somewhere right?
8) Ex-bosses will never treat you the same ever again, no matter how close you were when you worked there.
9) About 10 other things that are to personal and/or hurtful to myself or someone else to actually post.


I just wrote and deleted about 4 paragraphs... it sucks when what you think, and what you feel, isn't okay to feel by other peoples standards. Partly because it makes them feel guilty, but in a way, you want them to feel guilty... but then you feel guilty for clicking "Publish Post". 

-J-

"i can delerlick my own balls"

sitting for an hour waiting for my shift to start... it's my friday, thank god... after yesterday i don't think i could handle two more days in this place. don't get it twisted, all and all my job isn't hard... or bad, i'm just lost here. i don't really get to work next to people so i don't talk and i feel pretty lonely. poor billie has to deal with me when i get home, my neediness wanting more affection and conversation than i typically do because i do so often feel alone for 8-10 hours a day.

i finally made it though the night with a full nights sleep. i think i woke up once because jasta made a noise or billie elbowed me or something. now i'm just sleepy... i finally got sleep and that's all i want to do. i have tomorrow off so at least i can take some naps tomorrow between video games and hanging out with jasta.

my brothers book Historical Tweets came out today... well technically you could buy it online yesterday but i think bookstores starting carrying it today. i'm so proud of him, he has always been such a smart hard working honest amazing brother. he is a marketing genious and probably the most witty person i know. so if you read this, next time you're in a bookstore ask where Historical Tweets is you don't have yo buy it (although i wish you would) but at least flip through it and give yourself a good laugh. there is all kinds of humor in it, something for everyone... yes this is a plug... and fuck no i don't care... it's my blog and i'll plug whatever i want!

maybe we'll be slow and i can walk to billies truck and just chill for a while... maybe i'll just sleepin his truck all night... that would rule, except whe i would have to pee. that could get messy. i wonder what asurions policy of pissing outside is.


-j-

i've fucked up in the past month come home wasted and passed out, never did anything to physically harm anyone, stayed faithful and will stay faithful because i do love billie so much. i've done what he's asked as far as the contact with certian people go that make him uncomfortable. i'm really really trying, and i'm starting to wonder if it's some of that good old fashioned too little to late shit. we've both botched our relationships in the past, we've both shut up and shut down, we've both done things we aren't proud of and we've both waited until the damage was done to repair it. ii'm not gonna do that again, i'm not gonna sit around and wait to work on us when the shit is already bad. i want us to work on us -now- when it's good. and i i wonder if that is something we can -both- do at the same time. if it is something we're both -willing- to do at the same time. voice concerns and fix them, equally.

relationships are hard enough as it is, fixing things that are broken, bruised, cut, scared, burned and ripped to shreads doesn't make things easier. but if you do them the outcome is so much better, it's healthier it's just more gratfying at the end of the day to lay down and sleep soundly without the past haunting you. without wondering if they're lying to you, or not taking what you say seriously, or into account at all.

all i've ever wanted in this worldd is to marry an amazing man and have x2 amazing kids and raise them with love and hugs and kisses never wondering if they're loved. and i can do that with billie if we just learn how to talk and not shut up and shut down. so i guess that's my new daily prayer... strength to heal everything that's hurting us as a couple.

-j-

"it had to be a clown...."

this no car thing is really starting to wear thin, like an really old piece of lace. i know if i'm sick of it billie has to be even more sick of it... having to loose two hours of his day so i can get to and from work. at least he just works across the street, it could be much worse and i would be screwed. i thought i would have more to write about but apparently i don't.

these dreams i've been having are really starting to bother me. it's stopped being realistic "someone is trying to kill me, someone is trying to rape me" dreams and started being "this is what you've been repressing, this is what's bothering you, this is how this fight would billie would go, this is not going to change, you're not going to change, and he's not going to change" dreams. when all of the dreams you remember having cause you to wake up crying and confused because he's sleeping like nothing happened, you just don't want to go to sleep. it feels like i haven't slept in a week, i have, but never well.

work is work, i've been having a hard time here not making friends, not really trying to either. there is no working side by side with people here when you're picking. there is no chance to get to know the people you work with, unless you already know someone. so it's beeb lonely, so after 10 hours of pretty much not talking all day it's hard to break the cycle and talk at all. but when i do, i won't shut up and it's about nothing important. i feel like i rarely have something of any importance to say. which is funny because of this blog and facebook and the new youtube show with kate (superuberfysuc) i'm talking more. although on the youtube show it's mostly kate. i'm still not confortable being seen by the masses.

i'm starting to become super protective of mine and billies relationship. he works with this cool girl and she makes me nervous... he's never cheated on me and i don't think he would start now, but when he tells me things like "she sat in my truck with me on break" i got mad. i'm totally fine with her... like i said she's a cool chick, i just don't like some chick sitting where i go. i think it's left overr "who's dick syndrom" i spoke about earlier. i'm just a mess, a hot mess.



-j-

"you mocked me once never do it again... i died that day"

As it seems, billy and i are at a crossroad, we both can't really live comfortably in our own places. and honestly i'm never at my place really, there is no t.v so it's boring. but the kids are there... so we hang there and sleep there if he agrees to. but as it seems money is tight for both of us. he keeps saying things like "you know it would be easier if we lived together" and things such as that. and as much as i love him (i love you baby so much) the thought of us living together so quickly again is scary. the pressure of all of it just worries me, and i'm not sure of the reasons for us living together right now... is it to save money or is because we love each other deeply? i'm not sure i want to live with anyone for the reason of bills again. this is probably a conversation i needed to bring up to him before i posted it all on the good ole interweb, but i just now thought about it and he's had a less than fun day and is worrying about a different world right now. i don't want to pull him out of that.

on a totally different note... work... lets talk work. i like my job at HTDC i seem to be doing it well. but thanks to good old asurion and learning how to pick there i'm holding myself to a higher standard than i probably should. i was sp upset sunday that i just wanted to cry and panic and jump off the IFC second level. billie has had more than enough faith in me for this job, and tries so hard to remind me that i'm still learning, that i need to ease up on myself. but hearing that while it's so wonderful to know he loves me and has the faith of the world in me, makes me feel like i can't let him down with a bad day at work, or a low production. shhhhhiiiiit, i envy his work eithics he works his ass off everyday when no one else will. granted he hates his job, but he's damn good of it... and often proud of the work he does at the end of the day (even if it's cluttered with the raw hatred for asurion). i want to work my ass off like he does and be as good as him... if not better (hey... i've always tried to be like him in one way or another... i just give up cause he's so damn good at so many things). he makes me want to be a better person.

i think i'm loosing my footing on my mind, i'm getting jealous over things that are stupid. not even things that are related to me in anyway. i'm starting to over think every step, every breath, and every blink. my dreams are getting worse, while not waking me up in the middle of the night just more haunting. it makes me wonder what i have in store for me coming up this year. to top it off i can't seem to stand upright i'm wobbling between manic and depressive so quickly now that i can't tell what mood i'm even in. and the thing about that is, i'm happy with my life right now. i have the love of my life (death cannot stop true love), a job, jasta and the kitties, a new car (soon very soon) and what seems to be growing friendships with good peop
e. so yeah i'm happy... i just don't know what mood i'm ever in.


-j-

"there is a different kind if evil that we should fear the most, and that is the indifference of good men"

My past haunts me in pretty much everyway. my friends have big mouths and don't think when they speak. there is really no way to make that stop, get new friends (but i like mine) or move. i'm liking the idea of moving, starting over somewhere else, a new start, fresh air. it's the weight of my guilt, that keeps me down, that stops me from being better. everything i do that is nice kind and genuine is for those reasons, but it doesn't come across that way in my head sometimes. in my head i think he sees it as something i'm doing to kiss ass or out of guilt. well, it's out of love and nothing more than that.

when i can't sleep through the night because my past has shown up and tapped us on the shoulder and taken yet another talley in the war zone, i have to sleep with it. sleeping with nothing but nightmares filled with failure of the -one- thing i want to work in my life is a large part of my life now.

i'm no angel, never have been, i don't -want- to be... but i do -want- to be a good person with a good heart. and sometimes i just miss things that i shouldn't have missed. how could i ever be so mean? i never mean to. there has to be some classified ad for people looking for a better conscience. i need one sometimes.

i've been nothing but hopeful, and faithful thus far, and i wonder if it's my past and my bad choices that are going to squish this wonderful thing that billie and i have. there is no better feeling than laying down next to the person that you would save,( even if saving them sends you to heaven) wrapping your arms around each other and having the world just melt away. i'm lucky enough to have that everynight thus far. i want nothing more than for my past to fuck off be forgotten and have nothing but the clear beautiful future in fromt of us. sadly, the past allows manages to judo chop us in the throat.

dear god, give me the strength to be a better person, now more than ever i feel the need to be better.


-J-