"By 1:37 exactly Joe"

The past two days have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, and my mind is still reeling from it. I don't want to get into the details, mainly because I don't want to think about it, and partly because well, I don't want you guys to read about it.

This rain, has left me worried, and blessed. As most if not all of you know Middle Tennessee has had some major flood damage, and part of that flood damage has been to my family and friends. It makes me so thankful to know that I'm okay, and that my mom and dad are okay, and that, even though a lot of their houses are messed up... my family is okay as well. I knew yesterday that my grandmothers basement had flooded, that my cousin's Danny and Kim's house was flooded and they were trapped in it for hours (with their grandbaby who is four months old), my cousin Paul and his family are stuck in their subdivision with flooding, my cousin Lynn and his wife have also had flooding. There are various friends outside of families who's houses have flooded. And to me... these people deserved better than a flooded house, or to be trapped in their homes, or at a church (like my other Aunt and Uncle). They've all worked so very hard for what they have, and here I am, hardly worked at all for what I have and I'm safe and sound, along with my belongings?! I'm not complaining believe you me, I'm not, but I do think that I deserve some of it, I don't have a lot to loose, they... they did/do. Years of jobs that they've hated (or loved) familys and children to take care of. I've... lived off of my parents even with a job, and have a dog and cats. They are my children yes, but they are not human lives. It just, it makes me thank God for everything, but it makes me angry with him as well. These people my friends and family didn't deserve to be flooded, I'm sure your friends and family didn't either.

I have great friends, some of which i love dearly, but some of which make me wonder about myself. About what kind of person i'm going to become. Am I going to be someone who's remembered for having a great time, and being funny, but never smart or with a future? Am I going to be remembered as that one girl who dated that guy for a while, even though she was still in love with another guy? Am I going to be remembered as the girl that broke billies heart (along with her own) more than anyone can count? Am i going to be remembered as "that girl"? Like i said emotion roller coaster.

I miss being a child in Colorado, there were fears sure, what kid wasn't scared of being picked on and bullied? i hated it, it happened to me, trust me, i was not ms popular in school, never was. But my friends loved me greatly. Robyn and I (haha) would do the most silly things, one day I talked her into standing in the back of her dad's pick up truck and lifting up our dresses and flashing the cars as they drove by. that's the first time I remember Ida spanking me. I remember making a "fort" in their livingroom floor... we would take bricks and lay down sheets and stick a fan in it, and sleep in it. Or how in 7th grade we finally got to go to school together and I would get in trouble for talking to her in the hall while she was in class. All of my amazing childhood memories come from her and Ivan. Yes, my parents and family are also in there, they kind of had to be there. But we were so... i dunno. In pre-school I had a crush on my pre-school teachers son... Todd. Robyn would make so much fun of me for it, cause i didn't want help from anyone else but Todd. Those days are long gone, and Robyn as her own daughter to raise and take care of. I just wonder if I'll ever be so lucky, to have a child on my own. Deep down for as long as I remember I've just had a feeling that it would never happen. I also had a feeling that i would never see my 25th birthday, well I saw it, i passed it and next year will by my 27th! Let the panic begin...

I always had a time line... I wanted to date a guy for 6 months to a year... be engaged for 6 months, be married for a year and have or be pregnant by the time I was 25. I'm a whole year behind... well farther than that... I'm 26... I'm years behind. I haven't gone to college, I haven't done anything to help myself in life, I've drank a lot, done a lot of drugs, fallen in love twice, still in love now, and broken my heart more than i can think of. I don't know where this blog is going, or why, it's even still here. But this is what I do know, I'm 26, i'm with a man I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life, and I'm like a girl who has never been in a real relationship before, I panic and worry and get jealous and cry and hide it from him and everyone else.

When I laid down to sleep the other night, I had such a pain in my soul, it physically was hurting me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, like I was going to die right that second if I just didn't cry... and with each breath i took, it hurt more, with each tear that fell more pain shot through my soul. I remembered that pain, it's the same pain I felt with I found out Ivan died, it's the same pain i felt when I thought my mom was going to die. And all i wanted was to a small child again so i could sit in my mothers lap and feel safe and okay. I handle death well, I've known it since I was a child, I've known loss since before I can remember. And still I think about them everyday, and everyday it's a different feeling, it's anger, it's hurt, it's pain, it's not understanding, it's not being good enough, it's not being selfless enough, it's guilt, it's love, it's sorrow, it's missing, it's dulled and numb, it's sharp and excruciating. My biological parents, Piper, Shawn, Aunt Juanita, Aunt Ova, Uncle Ewing, Ivan, Emily, Ms Marcia, Cupcake, and so many more that I just can't bare to think of right now.

This has to get out of me sometimes, I can't feel that knife in my soul anymore. I can't go to sleep and cry over spilled milk anymore. So, you blog, and blog readers, I have to start getting this shit out of my mind and on to something thing else, because I can't deal with this shit strictly in my dreams anymore, or I'm going to have an panic attack in my sleep and never wake up. So either you guys stick with me here, or i'll just keep writing like you guys don't read, cause I'm not sure you guys do anyway.

-J-