"it had to be a clown...."

this no car thing is really starting to wear thin, like an really old piece of lace. i know if i'm sick of it billie has to be even more sick of it... having to loose two hours of his day so i can get to and from work. at least he just works across the street, it could be much worse and i would be screwed. i thought i would have more to write about but apparently i don't.

these dreams i've been having are really starting to bother me. it's stopped being realistic "someone is trying to kill me, someone is trying to rape me" dreams and started being "this is what you've been repressing, this is what's bothering you, this is how this fight would billie would go, this is not going to change, you're not going to change, and he's not going to change" dreams. when all of the dreams you remember having cause you to wake up crying and confused because he's sleeping like nothing happened, you just don't want to go to sleep. it feels like i haven't slept in a week, i have, but never well.

work is work, i've been having a hard time here not making friends, not really trying to either. there is no working side by side with people here when you're picking. there is no chance to get to know the people you work with, unless you already know someone. so it's beeb lonely, so after 10 hours of pretty much not talking all day it's hard to break the cycle and talk at all. but when i do, i won't shut up and it's about nothing important. i feel like i rarely have something of any importance to say. which is funny because of this blog and facebook and the new youtube show with kate (superuberfysuc) i'm talking more. although on the youtube show it's mostly kate. i'm still not confortable being seen by the masses.

i'm starting to become super protective of mine and billies relationship. he works with this cool girl and she makes me nervous... he's never cheated on me and i don't think he would start now, but when he tells me things like "she sat in my truck with me on break" i got mad. i'm totally fine with her... like i said she's a cool chick, i just don't like some chick sitting where i go. i think it's left overr "who's dick syndrom" i spoke about earlier. i'm just a mess, a hot mess.



-j-