"i can delerlick my own balls"

sitting for an hour waiting for my shift to start... it's my friday, thank god... after yesterday i don't think i could handle two more days in this place. don't get it twisted, all and all my job isn't hard... or bad, i'm just lost here. i don't really get to work next to people so i don't talk and i feel pretty lonely. poor billie has to deal with me when i get home, my neediness wanting more affection and conversation than i typically do because i do so often feel alone for 8-10 hours a day.

i finally made it though the night with a full nights sleep. i think i woke up once because jasta made a noise or billie elbowed me or something. now i'm just sleepy... i finally got sleep and that's all i want to do. i have tomorrow off so at least i can take some naps tomorrow between video games and hanging out with jasta.

my brothers book Historical Tweets came out today... well technically you could buy it online yesterday but i think bookstores starting carrying it today. i'm so proud of him, he has always been such a smart hard working honest amazing brother. he is a marketing genious and probably the most witty person i know. so if you read this, next time you're in a bookstore ask where Historical Tweets is you don't have yo buy it (although i wish you would) but at least flip through it and give yourself a good laugh. there is all kinds of humor in it, something for everyone... yes this is a plug... and fuck no i don't care... it's my blog and i'll plug whatever i want!

maybe we'll be slow and i can walk to billies truck and just chill for a while... maybe i'll just sleepin his truck all night... that would rule, except whe i would have to pee. that could get messy. i wonder what asurions policy of pissing outside is.


-j-

i've fucked up in the past month come home wasted and passed out, never did anything to physically harm anyone, stayed faithful and will stay faithful because i do love billie so much. i've done what he's asked as far as the contact with certian people go that make him uncomfortable. i'm really really trying, and i'm starting to wonder if it's some of that good old fashioned too little to late shit. we've both botched our relationships in the past, we've both shut up and shut down, we've both done things we aren't proud of and we've both waited until the damage was done to repair it. ii'm not gonna do that again, i'm not gonna sit around and wait to work on us when the shit is already bad. i want us to work on us -now- when it's good. and i i wonder if that is something we can -both- do at the same time. if it is something we're both -willing- to do at the same time. voice concerns and fix them, equally.

relationships are hard enough as it is, fixing things that are broken, bruised, cut, scared, burned and ripped to shreads doesn't make things easier. but if you do them the outcome is so much better, it's healthier it's just more gratfying at the end of the day to lay down and sleep soundly without the past haunting you. without wondering if they're lying to you, or not taking what you say seriously, or into account at all.

all i've ever wanted in this worldd is to marry an amazing man and have x2 amazing kids and raise them with love and hugs and kisses never wondering if they're loved. and i can do that with billie if we just learn how to talk and not shut up and shut down. so i guess that's my new daily prayer... strength to heal everything that's hurting us as a couple.

-j-