"you mocked me once never do it again... i died that day"

As it seems, billy and i are at a crossroad, we both can't really live comfortably in our own places. and honestly i'm never at my place really, there is no t.v so it's boring. but the kids are there... so we hang there and sleep there if he agrees to. but as it seems money is tight for both of us. he keeps saying things like "you know it would be easier if we lived together" and things such as that. and as much as i love him (i love you baby so much) the thought of us living together so quickly again is scary. the pressure of all of it just worries me, and i'm not sure of the reasons for us living together right now... is it to save money or is because we love each other deeply? i'm not sure i want to live with anyone for the reason of bills again. this is probably a conversation i needed to bring up to him before i posted it all on the good ole interweb, but i just now thought about it and he's had a less than fun day and is worrying about a different world right now. i don't want to pull him out of that.

on a totally different note... work... lets talk work. i like my job at HTDC i seem to be doing it well. but thanks to good old asurion and learning how to pick there i'm holding myself to a higher standard than i probably should. i was sp upset sunday that i just wanted to cry and panic and jump off the IFC second level. billie has had more than enough faith in me for this job, and tries so hard to remind me that i'm still learning, that i need to ease up on myself. but hearing that while it's so wonderful to know he loves me and has the faith of the world in me, makes me feel like i can't let him down with a bad day at work, or a low production. shhhhhiiiiit, i envy his work eithics he works his ass off everyday when no one else will. granted he hates his job, but he's damn good of it... and often proud of the work he does at the end of the day (even if it's cluttered with the raw hatred for asurion). i want to work my ass off like he does and be as good as him... if not better (hey... i've always tried to be like him in one way or another... i just give up cause he's so damn good at so many things). he makes me want to be a better person.

i think i'm loosing my footing on my mind, i'm getting jealous over things that are stupid. not even things that are related to me in anyway. i'm starting to over think every step, every breath, and every blink. my dreams are getting worse, while not waking me up in the middle of the night just more haunting. it makes me wonder what i have in store for me coming up this year. to top it off i can't seem to stand upright i'm wobbling between manic and depressive so quickly now that i can't tell what mood i'm even in. and the thing about that is, i'm happy with my life right now. i have the love of my life (death cannot stop true love), a job, jasta and the kitties, a new car (soon very soon) and what seems to be growing friendships with good peop
e. so yeah i'm happy... i just don't know what mood i'm ever in.


-j-