My past haunts me in pretty much everyway. my friends have big mouths and don't think when they speak. there is really no way to make that stop, get new friends (but i like mine) or move. i'm liking the idea of moving, starting over somewhere else, a new start, fresh air. it's the weight of my guilt, that keeps me down, that stops me from being better. everything i do that is nice kind and genuine is for those reasons, but it doesn't come across that way in my head sometimes. in my head i think he sees it as something i'm doing to kiss ass or out of guilt. well, it's out of love and nothing more than that.
when i can't sleep through the night because my past has shown up and tapped us on the shoulder and taken yet another talley in the war zone, i have to sleep with it. sleeping with nothing but nightmares filled with failure of the -one- thing i want to work in my life is a large part of my life now.
i'm no angel, never have been, i don't -want- to be... but i do -want- to be a good person with a good heart. and sometimes i just miss things that i shouldn't have missed. how could i ever be so mean? i never mean to. there has to be some classified ad for people looking for a better conscience. i need one sometimes.
i've been nothing but hopeful, and faithful thus far, and i wonder if it's my past and my bad choices that are going to squish this wonderful thing that billie and i have. there is no better feeling than laying down next to the person that you would save,( even if saving them sends you to heaven) wrapping your arms around each other and having the world just melt away. i'm lucky enough to have that everynight thus far. i want nothing more than for my past to fuck off be forgotten and have nothing but the clear beautiful future in fromt of us. sadly, the past allows manages to judo chop us in the throat.
dear god, give me the strength to be a better person, now more than ever i feel the need to be better.
-J-
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