"Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener"

This is my fourth attempt at writing this blog, I've gotten two sentences in and go, "nope that's horseshit" ::backspace backspace backspace bbbbaaaaccccccckkkkkkssssspppppaaaaaccccceeee:: and the only reason I'm not currently backspacing is, well I'm afraid I'm going to break my backspace key, and that would make me sad, and make for some very horrible blogs, which could be funny if you like terrible spelling, poor grammar, and blogs that pretty much are impossible to read. If that's your bag then, right on, wish me to break my backspace, but I don't really want to.

Now that I wasted all of that time and all of those words, we should get to business.

I posted a status on FB today that said "Sometimes my thoughts are just too much to bare." and it's true, sometimes my brain gets all jumbled in things that don't really matter, like what happens when I'm not around, or what -could- happen when I'm not around. I find myself spacing out and thinking of the worst possible things, I try not to, but it does happen. In this world riddled with media, sex, beauty, violence, and most certain unpleasantries, I try my hardest to see the "sunny side" to keep my chin up and look for the good in everything. But sometimes, when I close my eyes to sleep, or am driving with no music my head goes to these bad places. Thinking the worst thoughts, and when it's about other people, it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough, like I'm not really what they want; either as a friend, lover, sister, daughter, whatever. I was talking to Jeff last night, and we were discussing being healthy and in shape. And I told him that I'm in no means comfortable in my skin, that I don't like my body pretty much in anyway. He was awesome enough to be honest with me and said that he thinks my body is fine, but if I'm not comfortable in it then he would go to the gym with me, and keep me motivated to get the body that I would like. And now upon thinking it, I don't think I'll ever have a body that I like, that I'm proud of. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable enough to walk out on a beach in Miami and not cover up.

Billy tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and he does the sweetest things, for instance... this... Blue October- Balance Beam (cover), followed by roses with a key to his apartment tied around it with a red ribbon (which I made into my current key chain). Billy sometimes seems like the only amazing thing in my life right now, I have a lot of good things, but he's the only thing that when I think of I just relax. I have a hard time showing him that, I think it's left over "who's dick syndrome" cause while I've been a good girl, and have been telling people very clearly that I have a boyfriend and they have no chance not even to bother, I still worry about karma and him doing it to me. Like this is just one cruel joke, like he and everyone else are just sitting around, laughing about how funny it's going to be when the shoe is on the other foot and he breaks my heart. Well, he's broken my heart, not in the same way, but he's broken it before, I just don't want this whole thing to be a rouse. I suppose what I'm saying in all of this muttering, that I'm scared, very scared that the one amazing thing in my life is going to just... poof... dissipate.

Plans for the day, nothing, not going anywhere, just gonna chill at home and try not to kill the kids, while they attempt to kill me. Maybe i'll sit outside and, sit. I dunno.


-J-