"you mocked me once never do it again... i died that day"

As it seems, billy and i are at a crossroad, we both can't really live comfortably in our own places. and honestly i'm never at my place really, there is no t.v so it's boring. but the kids are there... so we hang there and sleep there if he agrees to. but as it seems money is tight for both of us. he keeps saying things like "you know it would be easier if we lived together" and things such as that. and as much as i love him (i love you baby so much) the thought of us living together so quickly again is scary. the pressure of all of it just worries me, and i'm not sure of the reasons for us living together right now... is it to save money or is because we love each other deeply? i'm not sure i want to live with anyone for the reason of bills again. this is probably a conversation i needed to bring up to him before i posted it all on the good ole interweb, but i just now thought about it and he's had a less than fun day and is worrying about a different world right now. i don't want to pull him out of that.

on a totally different note... work... lets talk work. i like my job at HTDC i seem to be doing it well. but thanks to good old asurion and learning how to pick there i'm holding myself to a higher standard than i probably should. i was sp upset sunday that i just wanted to cry and panic and jump off the IFC second level. billie has had more than enough faith in me for this job, and tries so hard to remind me that i'm still learning, that i need to ease up on myself. but hearing that while it's so wonderful to know he loves me and has the faith of the world in me, makes me feel like i can't let him down with a bad day at work, or a low production. shhhhhiiiiit, i envy his work eithics he works his ass off everyday when no one else will. granted he hates his job, but he's damn good of it... and often proud of the work he does at the end of the day (even if it's cluttered with the raw hatred for asurion). i want to work my ass off like he does and be as good as him... if not better (hey... i've always tried to be like him in one way or another... i just give up cause he's so damn good at so many things). he makes me want to be a better person.

i think i'm loosing my footing on my mind, i'm getting jealous over things that are stupid. not even things that are related to me in anyway. i'm starting to over think every step, every breath, and every blink. my dreams are getting worse, while not waking me up in the middle of the night just more haunting. it makes me wonder what i have in store for me coming up this year. to top it off i can't seem to stand upright i'm wobbling between manic and depressive so quickly now that i can't tell what mood i'm even in. and the thing about that is, i'm happy with my life right now. i have the love of my life (death cannot stop true love), a job, jasta and the kitties, a new car (soon very soon) and what seems to be growing friendships with good peop
e. so yeah i'm happy... i just don't know what mood i'm ever in.


-j-

"there is a different kind if evil that we should fear the most, and that is the indifference of good men"

My past haunts me in pretty much everyway. my friends have big mouths and don't think when they speak. there is really no way to make that stop, get new friends (but i like mine) or move. i'm liking the idea of moving, starting over somewhere else, a new start, fresh air. it's the weight of my guilt, that keeps me down, that stops me from being better. everything i do that is nice kind and genuine is for those reasons, but it doesn't come across that way in my head sometimes. in my head i think he sees it as something i'm doing to kiss ass or out of guilt. well, it's out of love and nothing more than that.

when i can't sleep through the night because my past has shown up and tapped us on the shoulder and taken yet another talley in the war zone, i have to sleep with it. sleeping with nothing but nightmares filled with failure of the -one- thing i want to work in my life is a large part of my life now.

i'm no angel, never have been, i don't -want- to be... but i do -want- to be a good person with a good heart. and sometimes i just miss things that i shouldn't have missed. how could i ever be so mean? i never mean to. there has to be some classified ad for people looking for a better conscience. i need one sometimes.

i've been nothing but hopeful, and faithful thus far, and i wonder if it's my past and my bad choices that are going to squish this wonderful thing that billie and i have. there is no better feeling than laying down next to the person that you would save,( even if saving them sends you to heaven) wrapping your arms around each other and having the world just melt away. i'm lucky enough to have that everynight thus far. i want nothing more than for my past to fuck off be forgotten and have nothing but the clear beautiful future in fromt of us. sadly, the past allows manages to judo chop us in the throat.

dear god, give me the strength to be a better person, now more than ever i feel the need to be better.


-J-

"Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener"

This is my fourth attempt at writing this blog, I've gotten two sentences in and go, "nope that's horseshit" ::backspace backspace backspace bbbbaaaaccccccckkkkkkssssspppppaaaaaccccceeee:: and the only reason I'm not currently backspacing is, well I'm afraid I'm going to break my backspace key, and that would make me sad, and make for some very horrible blogs, which could be funny if you like terrible spelling, poor grammar, and blogs that pretty much are impossible to read. If that's your bag then, right on, wish me to break my backspace, but I don't really want to.

Now that I wasted all of that time and all of those words, we should get to business.

I posted a status on FB today that said "Sometimes my thoughts are just too much to bare." and it's true, sometimes my brain gets all jumbled in things that don't really matter, like what happens when I'm not around, or what -could- happen when I'm not around. I find myself spacing out and thinking of the worst possible things, I try not to, but it does happen. In this world riddled with media, sex, beauty, violence, and most certain unpleasantries, I try my hardest to see the "sunny side" to keep my chin up and look for the good in everything. But sometimes, when I close my eyes to sleep, or am driving with no music my head goes to these bad places. Thinking the worst thoughts, and when it's about other people, it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough, like I'm not really what they want; either as a friend, lover, sister, daughter, whatever. I was talking to Jeff last night, and we were discussing being healthy and in shape. And I told him that I'm in no means comfortable in my skin, that I don't like my body pretty much in anyway. He was awesome enough to be honest with me and said that he thinks my body is fine, but if I'm not comfortable in it then he would go to the gym with me, and keep me motivated to get the body that I would like. And now upon thinking it, I don't think I'll ever have a body that I like, that I'm proud of. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable enough to walk out on a beach in Miami and not cover up.

Billy tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and he does the sweetest things, for instance... this... Blue October- Balance Beam (cover), followed by roses with a key to his apartment tied around it with a red ribbon (which I made into my current key chain). Billy sometimes seems like the only amazing thing in my life right now, I have a lot of good things, but he's the only thing that when I think of I just relax. I have a hard time showing him that, I think it's left over "who's dick syndrome" cause while I've been a good girl, and have been telling people very clearly that I have a boyfriend and they have no chance not even to bother, I still worry about karma and him doing it to me. Like this is just one cruel joke, like he and everyone else are just sitting around, laughing about how funny it's going to be when the shoe is on the other foot and he breaks my heart. Well, he's broken my heart, not in the same way, but he's broken it before, I just don't want this whole thing to be a rouse. I suppose what I'm saying in all of this muttering, that I'm scared, very scared that the one amazing thing in my life is going to just... poof... dissipate.

Plans for the day, nothing, not going anywhere, just gonna chill at home and try not to kill the kids, while they attempt to kill me. Maybe i'll sit outside and, sit. I dunno.


-J-

"love is friendship on fire"

Somewhere in the mist of being angry for what happened at work this morning, coming home being aggravated with the animals or "kids" as we call them, taking a nap, watching a couple movies, going to walmart, listening to Spill Canvas, and taking a shower, I've had ever possible mood today. I was nervous, annoyed, pissed, calm, relaxed, aggravated, lazy, sad, happy, impulsive, angry, content, discontent, excited, horny, and pretty much all of the others. And as i was putting my new anti-wrinkle cream on after my shower (yes anti-wrinkle cream... i'll talk about it in a minute) I realized, that typically I don't go through so many moods on days when i drink, or smoke or whatever. And I was thinking about it, as I do, that when i drink, if i start off in a good mood, i'll stay in a good mood, if it's sad i'll stay sad, etc etc etc, and i pretty much decided that when i have some substance in my body my moods typically stay the same as they were when i started drinking or smoking. which is weird for me, because benzos (valum, xanex etc) make me freak out. It's a rule in this house now that if I'm going to be taking any sort of benzo that I'm not to be left alone. It makes me panic instead of calm, Adderall instead of making hyper, alert and focused makes me fall asleep. I stay awake after taking 6 benadryl with no problem, and nyquil makes me hyper and dayquil makes me sleepy. I would typically say that one of this things is probably typical for most people, but most of the time, what the drug is -supposed- to do, it does the opposite.  Shrooms make me sleepy, or maybe it's relaxed which is what it's suppose to do, ecstasy makes me roll and does what it's suppose to do.

So as I was saying I was putting my anti-wrinkle cream on my face and had a slight moment of panic. What if using this stuff, makes me wrinkle? What if i use this stuff to save my face (cause lets face it, i don't take good care of myself one bit) and instead it makes me look like a 90 year woman, at 26?! There is no Christian Troy and Sean McNamara in Middle Tennessee! I would be old at 26. That got me thinking about being a mother, and how old that makes ya look sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I think the world -should- have an assload of little me's running around. It would be fucking adorable, you would agree if you saw me as a child. the cutest face ever, and i do mean ever. But besides that Billie and i have talked about having kids, we've been together for so long that it's a normal conversation. I asked him last night if he though I had the patience to raise kids, to be a mother. he of course like any good boyfriend answered quickly with a very firm yes. Truth be told i love kids, just not mine... all the time. hitler, ava, and jasta are quite the handful when they're all hyper. It could just be that they are animals and basically have no understanding of what english is.

Billie has walked through the door, and now I've lost all train of thought.

-J- 

"you have christ between your thighs"

i got to work way too early. it's begun, my decent back into americas workforce where uncle sam can take most of my money and in a poor attempt try to apologize for it once a year. well you know what uncle sam,i'm ofraid it's too late to apologize.

now that, that's out of my system, and while i have a minute, i want to thank two people for having more faith in me than i have in myself on a good day. momma, and billie. i spoke with both of them about my rattled nerves for this job and they told me the same thing. i'm pretty lucky to have such a badass mom -and- boyfriend.

it's time for the plunge... wish me luck and smarts.... i'm going to need it.


Well... after waiting for 40 minutes on the man that was suppose to train us, "that guy" (as his name tag reads) informed us, that HTDC just realized he wasn't there today. WTF?! First... we were told not to be late, or miss today because our assignment would be ended. That training is something scheduled for a few weeks ahead of time and that it doesn't happen often, so if we missed it, we would have no job. So I woke -my- ass up at 8:00am to be there to be -trained- at 10:00am. I got there early, sat around wasted my gas and my time only for the -trainer- NOT to be there, hypocritical much? So now, I get to miss another 6-8 hours on my paycheck for their fuck up. And I get to wake my ass up at 8:00am -again- instead of noon. Awesome.


At least I got to wake up next to billie in our bed this morning, and yesterday morning as well. It was so nice to roll over and see his face, and have him slip his arm around me and just hold me. Even after waking up ass early and wasting gas, it's going to be a good day, i can feel it in my soul.

J

"Are you ready to let the dogs out?"

The tables have started to turn, hopefully that doesn't mean I'll loose something to keep the scales even. I finally got a call back on the Hot Topic job that I wanted. the shifts are almost perfect coinciding with Billies, which is good. We'll have different days off, but we'll have Saturdays together still, which is better than no days.

There are these moments when I just know that there has to be some sort of God watching out for me and making sure that my life gets put together when I think it's just going to fall into pieces. And getting the call about the job, was one of those moments. Thinking about those moments I've realized that I get a lot more of them than I realize. One of those moments in-particular is when Billie text me back with a little bit of planted knowledge from a friend, that moment was one of the most confusing refreshing moments in my life.

I know a lot of you are still confused by the happenings of this past week, and someone of you are hurt by them. To those of you hurt, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you but there is a driving force that happens when I'm with him that I've never had before, and it's not something I'm willing to give up this time around. To those of you confused by it, well, if you've known Billie and I together, when it's good and when we're like we are now then you understand. If you've known us when it's not good, and like it has been in the past, you know how much it hurts both of us when we're like that, so then still you should understand. And if you don't understand at all, then you probably weren't the friend that you thought you were in the first place.

I'm nervous about going back to work, just like a child going to school for the first time. You want people to like you, you want to do your best, you want to fit in. You want to sit at the popular table and make people laugh. I want to do all of those things except, I don't want to fit in exactly, I want to be liked but not well liked, I want to do my best but not bust my ass for nothing in return and I want to make people laugh. Lets face it, I'm pretty funny. I'm also nervous because of Billie, because I know he'll be nervous about some "D.L" or "C.B"  working there and trying to tell me that I'm in a bad relationship. Well, here is a little known fact about my history with Billie, I've never cheated when things are good, not once. Only when things sucked. And here is another little known fact that would probably do some good for you guys to know, we've discussed what to do when it looks like a rut may be coming upon us. We're not going to take this relationship lying down, we're not going to let things go for days and weeks without talking about them. We're going to pull each other up out of tilts and help each other stand tall and proud of our lives no matter how rough things get.

To my friends that worry you'll never see me out and about anymore, don't worry, I'll be out, and I'll be the same fun Jess that I was my entire life, but, I'll have a boyfriend who I'll stand by and be faithful to. It's in writing, it's a contract now technically, and I'm not one for law suites. So with that, it's time for me to sing in the shower and make the neighbors want to shoot themselves in the face, I've got a man coming home at 11:30 and he needs to have a not so gross girlfriend waiting on him.

-J-

"You wanna play games? I know a shit ton of games!"

I don't want this weekend to be over, it's been so much like heaven. There are no amount of words that can cover the feeling if having your very best friend back into your life. I was thinking about what happened between billie and i this last time when we spilt up, or rather when i broke his heart (and my own in the process) how i prayed for God to give me an answer on what would be best for me. I prayed and prayed, God said chris. i went the chris path. it obviously was for more reasons then i thought it would be. in my last post i talked about how much i thought about the mistakes that i made with him over the past 6 years. and thinking about the chris situation i realized what i needed to do to keep things good and healthy with billie this time around. how i need to keep myself open, not only by talking, but by keeping an open mind to not only his life but what i can do to improve upon my own life. it was a breath of fresh air in a gas chamber. don't get me wrong, chris was a good boyfriend and cared very much so about me as a person and my life. i'll always be thankful for that. i think what i'm trying to get at, is not that God answered my prayers when i needed him, but that he did it in a way that would make my life better. i knew somewhere deep down that there will never be a love quite like this in my life. and i know upfront and honestly that i don't want another love in my life besides billie. he makes things so quiet in my head when there is nothing but voices and screams. i don't know why i feel the need to put this online, or even type it out, but i did and it's here and i'm happy, so very happy.


"i don't want to be the one to let you down...."


-J-