"Dude I totally missed you..."

There is a difference between talking to someone and taaaaaaaaaaaalking to someone. You know, conversations can be lighthearted and they can be so deep that you don't even realize that you're opening your own eyes by opening your mouth. I, can talk to -anyone-, about almost anything, at anytime; that's just the way I work, but I can't really really talk to anyone. Except him, my best friend, my lover, my buttercup, and my favorite book; we've been talking and talking and talking and talking, about everything near and far, above and beyond the way that we've ever talking before.

For a long time, before things ended between Billie and I, I thought that I couldn't feel anything, I thought that numbness was- love, anger, hatred, stress, depression, happiness, contentment, and discombobulation. I turned myself off, like a light switch, because numb was much better than actual feelings. Turns out, actual feelings when felt with the correct person can make you fly, not literally, although that would be utterly super bad ass.

I'm gonna catch a lot of shit, for working things out with Billie, a lot, from a lot of people. And they can shove it right up that tight little hole that poop comes out of. (YOU HEAR ME?! SHOVE IT!) Billie is going to catch way more than I am, period. I don't think people understand the whole that you feel when your best friend is -gone-. When your best friend -hates- you, when your best friend wants to -die- without their other half. I don't want to die, ever, not with my best friend rockin' my right side. But that feeling off all of that leaves you voided and empty and like you don't have half of your mind, heart, or soul.

I think I did a lot of growing up, this past month, a lot of looking back and realizing what mistakes I had made, not this past time with Billie, but all of the mistakes with him for the past 6 years. We needed a break him and I, and we never did it correctly, and we never did it in a painless way, wait wait wait, -I- never did it correctly, and -I- never did it in a painless way. We both needed to get things right in our heads (we both still do) which is why we're not moving in together, we're not crowding each other, we're not going to be around each other 24 hours a day. We needed the smoke to clear and the dust to settle and the hurt to fade just a little bit, I needed to know how it felt to miss him, I needed to know he was swapping sides, I needed to call him in a month or two and have him hang up the phone.

The point to all of this is, 1- I love Billie, you may not understand it, and you never will if you don't already. 2- I have my best friend back, there for I'm whole again. and 3- Billie---- dude i totally miss you, i really fucking miss you, im all alone, all the time, all the time, dude i totally miss you, the things we do together, where have you gone?totally miss the honesty, and special times and honestly, i totally miss the fucked up things you do.


-J-

"Sort your fucking life out mate!"

So it is, just like you said it would be, life so easy on me, most of the time.

To people that actually follow my blog have probably noticed that it's all deleted. When I started writing this blog I intended to write about every aspect of my life good and bad. And I did quite candidly, pictures and all. Now, I don't want so much of my life to be aired like laundry, or my body to be posted up for everyone to see. I hid my blogs from my family knowing that they would be disappointed in me if they came across it for any reason. I've always preached about family being the most important thing, and I lost site of that. I know my family is by no means proud of me, if anything I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak. Hell, to me I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak.

Chris and I have split up, he moved out last night when he got off of work. A lot of people thought it was an April Fools joke, it wasn't, at all. Now, I've backed myself into a corner as far as rent and bills go. I don't even have electric in my name right now. Which means I'm violating my lease and am probably going to get evicted anyway. I thought I would be working by now, but Select Staffing still has no job openings at all. And if they did I would have no way to know about it because my phone is cut off. I'm sure this sounds like a pity party, and I don't want your pity or your parties.I'm 26, on the verge of being homeless with no (working) car, no (working) cell phone, and debt up to my ears.

I don't want to be here in this mess, I want to keep my head out of the water, and I thought I was. I'm 2000 leagues under the sea and I just ran out of oxygen in my dive tank. This could have all been avoided if I wasn't so impulsive, or if I just stopped to think about what I was doing for more than 2 seconds. There is a line between over-thinking and under-thinking, and I haven't found it yet. I walk and talk big game about how I know what I want to do with my life, when it comes down to it, I still just want to get married and have babies. Well, getting married and having babies doesn't pay bills, as a matter of fact it does the opposite of that. Working in warehouses and restaurants for the rest of my life is no answer either, it'll pay the bills but I don't want to be some 40 year old working in a warehouse because I don't know how to do anything else.

There has to be some major changes that happen in my life, and they need to happen -now-, not two months from now, not two years from now, but like 2 years ago. I'm about to go have lunch with my mom, which I'm really nervous about because, I know how upset she is at me, I know how much I've disappointed her, and I know how much I've hurt them. Also because we're going to the bank, and either one of three things is going to happen. Either she's cutting off my bank account from hers, canceling it period, or she's gonna pull out my "trust" money and dig me out of this hole. Either way, it's not going to a fun event listening to how much I've let her down, and how much I've hurt them.

This blog has been longer than I intended it to be, and I don't know how much I'll blog from here on out, or if I will at all. The world may never know.

Jess