"Sort your fucking life out mate!"

So it is, just like you said it would be, life so easy on me, most of the time.

To people that actually follow my blog have probably noticed that it's all deleted. When I started writing this blog I intended to write about every aspect of my life good and bad. And I did quite candidly, pictures and all. Now, I don't want so much of my life to be aired like laundry, or my body to be posted up for everyone to see. I hid my blogs from my family knowing that they would be disappointed in me if they came across it for any reason. I've always preached about family being the most important thing, and I lost site of that. I know my family is by no means proud of me, if anything I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak. Hell, to me I'm a walking disappointment and heartbreak.

Chris and I have split up, he moved out last night when he got off of work. A lot of people thought it was an April Fools joke, it wasn't, at all. Now, I've backed myself into a corner as far as rent and bills go. I don't even have electric in my name right now. Which means I'm violating my lease and am probably going to get evicted anyway. I thought I would be working by now, but Select Staffing still has no job openings at all. And if they did I would have no way to know about it because my phone is cut off. I'm sure this sounds like a pity party, and I don't want your pity or your parties.I'm 26, on the verge of being homeless with no (working) car, no (working) cell phone, and debt up to my ears.

I don't want to be here in this mess, I want to keep my head out of the water, and I thought I was. I'm 2000 leagues under the sea and I just ran out of oxygen in my dive tank. This could have all been avoided if I wasn't so impulsive, or if I just stopped to think about what I was doing for more than 2 seconds. There is a line between over-thinking and under-thinking, and I haven't found it yet. I walk and talk big game about how I know what I want to do with my life, when it comes down to it, I still just want to get married and have babies. Well, getting married and having babies doesn't pay bills, as a matter of fact it does the opposite of that. Working in warehouses and restaurants for the rest of my life is no answer either, it'll pay the bills but I don't want to be some 40 year old working in a warehouse because I don't know how to do anything else.

There has to be some major changes that happen in my life, and they need to happen -now-, not two months from now, not two years from now, but like 2 years ago. I'm about to go have lunch with my mom, which I'm really nervous about because, I know how upset she is at me, I know how much I've disappointed her, and I know how much I've hurt them. Also because we're going to the bank, and either one of three things is going to happen. Either she's cutting off my bank account from hers, canceling it period, or she's gonna pull out my "trust" money and dig me out of this hole. Either way, it's not going to a fun event listening to how much I've let her down, and how much I've hurt them.

This blog has been longer than I intended it to be, and I don't know how much I'll blog from here on out, or if I will at all. The world may never know.

Jess