"Dude I totally missed you..."

There is a difference between talking to someone and taaaaaaaaaaaalking to someone. You know, conversations can be lighthearted and they can be so deep that you don't even realize that you're opening your own eyes by opening your mouth. I, can talk to -anyone-, about almost anything, at anytime; that's just the way I work, but I can't really really talk to anyone. Except him, my best friend, my lover, my buttercup, and my favorite book; we've been talking and talking and talking and talking, about everything near and far, above and beyond the way that we've ever talking before.

For a long time, before things ended between Billie and I, I thought that I couldn't feel anything, I thought that numbness was- love, anger, hatred, stress, depression, happiness, contentment, and discombobulation. I turned myself off, like a light switch, because numb was much better than actual feelings. Turns out, actual feelings when felt with the correct person can make you fly, not literally, although that would be utterly super bad ass.

I'm gonna catch a lot of shit, for working things out with Billie, a lot, from a lot of people. And they can shove it right up that tight little hole that poop comes out of. (YOU HEAR ME?! SHOVE IT!) Billie is going to catch way more than I am, period. I don't think people understand the whole that you feel when your best friend is -gone-. When your best friend -hates- you, when your best friend wants to -die- without their other half. I don't want to die, ever, not with my best friend rockin' my right side. But that feeling off all of that leaves you voided and empty and like you don't have half of your mind, heart, or soul.

I think I did a lot of growing up, this past month, a lot of looking back and realizing what mistakes I had made, not this past time with Billie, but all of the mistakes with him for the past 6 years. We needed a break him and I, and we never did it correctly, and we never did it in a painless way, wait wait wait, -I- never did it correctly, and -I- never did it in a painless way. We both needed to get things right in our heads (we both still do) which is why we're not moving in together, we're not crowding each other, we're not going to be around each other 24 hours a day. We needed the smoke to clear and the dust to settle and the hurt to fade just a little bit, I needed to know how it felt to miss him, I needed to know he was swapping sides, I needed to call him in a month or two and have him hang up the phone.

The point to all of this is, 1- I love Billie, you may not understand it, and you never will if you don't already. 2- I have my best friend back, there for I'm whole again. and 3- Billie---- dude i totally miss you, i really fucking miss you, im all alone, all the time, all the time, dude i totally miss you, the things we do together, where have you gone?totally miss the honesty, and special times and honestly, i totally miss the fucked up things you do.


-J-