"Dying is easy, it's living that is hard."

Now seems like as good as a time as any to blog about whatever is in my head... which trust me is a lot. Do you remember a time in your life when you were a strong soulful person, when sticks and stones hurt you but words would never? well, i do too, and i miss that honestly. Over the past few years i've evolved into this woman who acted on emotion alone, good emotion. Now, bad emotion controls my life, and that's a terrible feeling to have. to wake up and see the one cloud in the sky, instead of waking up and seeing the silver lining. Somehow, i can still find good in most people, but i've lost the good in myself. i'm mean. I didn't realize how mean i was, until i found out that i come with warning labels. Well, sorry, this jaded soul doesn't know how to keep her thoughts to herself.

I've been dealing with my "issues" better lately, i'm still too sensitive for my own liking, but when you're made of soft things it's hard to pretend to be a rock. I mean, at first... rock... yes I love being a fucking rock... being a rock is awesome. Then, you notice that the earth makes you move, and it cracks you and the water starts to soften you up, and you start to be washed away... so it's hard to stay a rock. You  turn into sand, and if your lucky you turn into a special kind of sand that is strong and beautiful and people want you, and you go to them, and you start to trust these people... then they throw you into a fire... and start rolling you around and blowing you... and the next thing you know... you're a glass. a drinking glass, one that people pay a lot of money for, but you still are a glass that people use, and drop, and put in a dishwasher because they don't care enough for you to hand-wash you. Do you know how hard it is to stop being a glass and turn back into a rock? i don't think that process has been proven by science yet, i hope they get on the glass into rock technology because i could really use it.

today, i've been called a heartless bitch, i've been called a whore, i've been called ugly, and i've been told that things only get better for a while before they go back to shit. In the response to being a heartless bitch- "better me than you", the response to being a whore- none yet stated, the response to being called ugly- "I'm not ugly, but i know at least i'm decent looking.". and my response to things will all go back to shit, that it's just a temporary solution is- "fuck you, what do you know?".

I apparently have to deal with who i am, well no shit! Yeah i have to face my choices on a daily basis, yes i have to look my old self in the eyes everyday as i brush my teeth, but the wonderful thing about that is, everyday, i look and see someone i like more and more everyday. it's not always a huge difference, sometimes i look at myself and see myself take a step back into my old self. But, the thing about hating your old self is... that you no longer want to be your old self... so you flight and you claw so that, you, just don't have to see that same look in your eyes day by day.

as for the cheating and the being a bad girlfriend, you know, when all has been forgiven and both parties still want to make things good and wonderful and there is so much love that sometimes your soul burns, well then, maybe you can start forgiving yourself for bad choices. and when being a bad girlfriend is on the line, chances are, you know what makes you so terrible, and if they can talk to you about it and you can listen and absorb everything in without tears then you can change for the better. Tears, they cloud and burn, they cloud your vision, and the burn your eyes and your soul. if your eyes burn, so does your soul.

I'm not the best human on the earth, not by leaps and bounds, but i have a boyfriend who even after all i've put him though loves me enough to be up front and honest with me about everything (well almost everything... everyone has secrets) so i can't be all  bad now can i? he kisses me no matter my face, my breast size, or how fat i may or may not be. i might be a daughter of the devil, but i was raised by angels... so the fight is never even or fair... but at least i put up one.

Sorry if this was all over the place... but i'm... all over the place.

-J-

(yes i know it's not a movie quote.... comment comment comment.)

"I talked to God, she said 'yo, what's up?'"

I know i've been slacking on the blogging front, work has been crazy, and it looks like it's going to be a 50 hour week this week. So this little update, is just that... little. There has a been a lot of personal things going on that I in respect of others have decided to leave out of a public blog and have been writing in my personal journal. So, sorry about that, there is still a band review i've been working on for this blog though... so you have that to look forward to.

Other  than that, I need to go to work and hate life for 10 hours.

-J-

"i drink your milkshake"

The dreams have started again, and there is nothing i can do about it. the fears and the things i hate that i've been working so hard on forgetting and ignoring are back and are getting worse. a little bit different content this time, it's all about lies and actions that hurt me, and the most fucked up thing about it is, i'm not sure if it's just in my dreams or if my mind is picking up on something. it sucks, it hurts and i don't like it. now i have to go to work and pray we're busy enough to keep my mind off of it all. i hope we're busy enough that when i get home everything will be out of my head and i won't have to feel this anymore.

my self esteem is crashing and burning, and i don't know why. i talked to a good friend about it yesterday via text, and she asked a question that i've mentioned in the blog, and since she asked it, that's all i can think about. i've been a good girl, no snooping, no cheating, not even thinking about cheating on him, i wouldn't do that again. but that makes me wonder where the line between cheating and not cheating. now, that sounds like i'm trying to figure out the line for myself, which isn't the case what so ever. but as i've been thinking about it, i think it's drawn when one of the two people in the relationship is a) hurt by actions and b) when lying comes into play. i don't know how many more dreams i can take of this before i just decide to never sleep, or how many dreams i can take until i crack and say something stupid and hurtful.

this is by far one of the worst feelings i've ever had. i want it gone, and i want to be happy through and though, because no matter of the pain i've caused to people in my life, i deserve to be happy and have a clear mind. i wonder if i'll ever stop punishing myself. i wonder if we'll ever be okay. cause, honestly sometimes i'm not so sure.

-j-

"who you callin' scruffy?!"

adventures at the laundry mat. i like to do my laundry in peace, sit, text, blog a bit... generally keep myself entertained... but that wasn't in the cards today. Toddlers! not regular toddlers but unbehaved mexican't toddlers. i... am -not- actually racist... i think that some cultures need a rebooting in order to fix their dirty name, but that means america too. so i hate everyone no matter of skin color. if you're white and ket your kids try to steal my bra at a laundry mat, it would be the same blog. if your kid is being a jerk in public... beat the snot out of your kid and see if next time they aren't better behaved. i'm just sezzin.

for the rest of the day i still have a bit to do, get ready go eat lunch with billie, hang out with kate, clean up the apartment a little bit, perhaps grab some shit to take to billys... dunno yet. all i know is, i'm fucking sleepy and it looks like there isn't time for a nap. i hope these clothes dry quickly.

laundry mats and i have a love hate relationship. they're too expensive, yet you can do like 90000000.8 loads at once so it saves you time. personally, i would rather spend 20 bucks and an hour and a half at a laundry mat then hardly any money and spend all day doing it. you know, it's not soically acceptable to wear dirty clothes all the time and small unless your favorite band is phish and the highlight of your year is seeing them at bonaroo. that's why they're called "dirty hippies". do i personally have any problem with said "dirty hippies"? no, except when they let me smoke their kind bud and make me listen to radiohead, phish and other terrible dirty hippie jam bands. i hate jam bands period... but jam bands stoned has to be the worst thing ever. seriously, time slows down while stoned anyway a bad 18 minute song sounds like a worse 1899990 minute song stoned. no thank you i want zero part of it.

spin spin spin the laundry goes in circles over and over amd over. boooooring.


-j-

"i said you can have a snack not the whole kitchen"

why yes random group of people i would love for you to sit at my table outside and totally ignore me. and by that i mean get the fuck away, if i wanted to sit with people i would have -sat- with people. so awesome thanks for the uncomfortableness.. fuck off assholes.

i'm actually in a good mood, you probably can't tell from the first paragraph for my last blog. but i've decided to take this session of spring blues and shove it up it's own dull ass. i'm a fun gal, i'm a -funny- gal. i have a shread of self confidence and self worth and i'm going to quit shoving it down because others don't validate me. well you know what? i don't need your validation... "if you know you're the shit, then you're the shit to you." never in a million years did i think i would take advice from katt williams. homie has a point though.

it's time, no more walking with my shoulders slumped and my head down, i've always been trampled on, but no longer. billy had the devil take over his life to do some house cleaning and maybe i need to do the same thing. take a page out of his book and get back to the jess that -i- love. because this jess -i- hate. the jess -i- love is strong but doesn't have a cold dead heart, the jess -i- love cries and allows herself to cry and feel. the jess -i- love can take a joke and fire one back that is 10times more wity and hilarious than yours. the jess -i- love paints. writes, learns, takes pictures and strives to be a better human being. so that's the jess that's going to be around from now on. if you don't like it... fuck off i don't need you "aint shit niggas".

i woke up feeling refreshed like i'm a whole new me. and goddamnit i'm running with it.

there is no try with this... there is only do... fuck there isn't even a do not. eat a dick haters.... jess that -i- love is here. and it's about to be a good time.


-j-

"have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

Dear Devil,

i understand you've taken over and that you're not playing this time. i want to thank you for taking some of the weight off of billy's shoulders, the weight of guilt plus the weight of the world can often be to much for the average person. and as it seems it can be amped when it's a super strong person with a super huge heart.

i know i'm no model girlfriend, or best friend to billy but i do try to make his life a bit easier. we've discussed what needs to change and i've been working on it, and i'll continue working on it. so please don't jump my shit when i'm really trying.

as far as the insects in billy's life, personally i'm glad they're gone, they were draining him of his spirit and love for anything that this horrible world could offer. yes, i have been an insect in his life, and no, i never meant to.

but thank you devil for lifting the weight and helping him be happy again. he does have a few really good friends in life, i can think of 3... and sadly only one of the three live here. (i'm actually not talking about myself)

look mr devil sir, i have your back because you haave billy's, i will support you in whatever you feel is best for him... unless it's hurting him. devil... if you fuck up and he gets hurt i -will- stand up to you, and i won't back down until you see how much it hurts him. i'm a bit frightened of you devil, you have a bad temper and a yell that makes me feel like i should kill myself while hiding under a bed. but perhaps i should take a page out of your book and do some house cleaning myself.

there are four things i ask of you devil... keep billy safe. keep him alive. keep him happy. and keep him healthy. that doesn't seem like too much to ask of the thing that has taken over my best friend and lover for his own good.


-J-

"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you."

I don't really know where this blog is going to go, I have no general idea of what I want to write about, I just need to write right now.

I realize that I'm not the only person in the world who has had a bad day, shit compared to most people in America i don't have a lot of bitching room. I have a job (that i'm forcing myself to go to daily because i hate it), I have friends (who are super busy with their own lives and schedules that it's hard to talk to or keep up with), I have a roof over my head (technically two roofs since i stay with billie but have my own place), I have money to buy food to put in my stomach, I have an amazing family who support me no matter what stupid thing i do, I have an awesome boyfriend... nope not a whole lot of bitching room. So why is it i feel the need to bitch, not just to billie or my friends, but to the internet?! "I don't have a car..." "I hate my job..." blah blah blah. I can see my own interest in this blog falling off, how can i expect others to read it and not be like "oh god she's bitching again." And see... now, I'm bitching about bitching.

there has to be something that is a problem that i'm failing to see, or ignoring the existence of. Do I need validation through a blog, and it's comments, through facebook and the comments on there? Because I'm starting to think that I do, and that alone is a problem. where as that self esteem gone? Where is that Jess that people love? Oh that's right, -that- Jess is drunk in a bar, and this Jess is living in the real world. But here is the thing, I don't really like being drunk Jess in a bar, not on a regular basis anyway. I like it from time to time so I can hang out with some peeps that are bad ass, (who i hope take zero offense to this particular part of my blog). And there are reasons that I'm not there all the time, money, transportation, the thing that gives me a sick feeling in my stomach, and because i've got a case of the spring blues. Funny, here I was thinking that I only get the blues in the fall and winter. i hope this isn't a progressing thing, the blues. I don't want the blues year round, I don't want them for part of the year, or a second of the year. Yet the blues just seem to prop themselves up on my shoulders and scream so loudly into my ear that sometimes, I honestly think I'm loosing my mind.

i noticed today, how jumpy I am, how i talk to myself more and more, and how when i fuck up something at work (go to the wrong location try to scan it and get the error message) i cuss at the item. How i can feel myself just slipping away from being mentally sound. and i wonder how those people at work view me, not because i really care (some of them i do care about because they're nice to me because they want to be, not because i smoke also), i wonder if they just go... "that girl is loosing her mind today, did you see her do that? she's fucked up she's got to be high or something." and some of them i know for a fact do that because i've heard them talk shit about me, and make fun of me. and that's fine, if they hate let em hate right? at one point today, I was picking just minding my own business and working my ass off and tears just started pouring down my face, i wasn't crying but my eyes were. I didn't feel more sad than usual, but my body made me cry... i wasn't even thinking of anything sad... as a matter of fact i was thinking of a funny movie that has -never- made me sad. So there i am, picking, with a half smile on my face and crying involuntarily, awesome I know.

I think all i need/ed was just a hug, or something someone to ask what was wrong, how i'm doing, if i'm okay, if they can do anything to help.. something someone to care for two whole seconds that i was having a pretty terrible day. but i suppose people are just too wrapped up in themselves to ask someone who always asks them how they are, and how their day is going to return the favor when it's needed. all and all i think i'm just lonely at work, and lonely in general sometimes. but what can you expect from the girl who is a million miles away, and in her own world where things are probably much worse than out in the world with everyone else.

I hate the general answers to how are you... "fine" "good" "chillin"... well, guess what fuckers if -i- ask how -you- are, i dont want a general answer, if i did i wouldn't even bother asking it in the first place. Granted i don't want to know about how the rash that you got from fucking some random person at a bar is effecting your ability to drive your car comfortably... but a real answer would be nice once in a while.

All of these people in this world and everyone just gives a shit about themselves. So to those of you that just give a shit about yourself, tomorrow, ask someone how their day is, and if they give you a real honest answer, fucking listen.

this world can burn and start over again for all i care, maybe some humanity will stick this time around.

-J-