when you're told things about yourself from someone that doesn't even know you, it hurts more than you ever expected. when the path to loosing respect for someone is clear and paved you walk down it just too see how long the road to zero respect is. when you thought you'd reached the end of the road, you realize you just were looking at the top of the hill, on the other side there is more road. it's one thing when you're told something by someone who -could- have been a part of your life. it's another thing when someone who -is- a major part of your life is told by someone major in -their- life it makes you angry. it makes you want to yell and scream and shake them and ask them if they only fucking knew what they were doing. too selfish to have kids, some of that maybe true (i often am a selfish little bitch) but at least i know that and didn't wait til i had a kid to fucking realize it.
we're not the selfish ones, cause if we -did- have kids we would give them more than we had for ourselves, because when you have kids you want to give them the life you never had. not have the life you want and fucking bail.
-J-
Friday, June 11, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
"Do you happen to have six fingers on your right hand"
there is a point in time where you sit back and think to yourself... something has to change, something has to give to pave the way for happiness. I am currently putting my happiness on hold for good reasons, 1) i need a job, period. 2) you don't always get what you want (but if you try sometimes you might just find you get what you need) 3) i'm not entirely too sure what makes me through and though happy. I know aspects of my life that make me happy, billy and whatnot, but not totally.
I'm starting to wonder if i'm just one of those people who won't ever just be happy with her life. I wonder if i'll always make some reason not to do something because i don't know if it'll make me happy. That's why i haven't gone to college, i don't want to go and invest 4 or 5 years into something, get out there in the work force and fucking hate it. who wants that? i don't really even want the American dream, cause it seems that everyone who has the American dream ends up hating life and killing themselves (literally or metaphorically). So I've been thinking a lot about change, and how I can change my life to be a happier person in general. So far to change, you have to take a step into the unknown, i've never really been good about the unknown, as far as life goes. I've taken the steps into the unknown for personal bullshit i want to party and have a good time no matter who I hurt along the way, and that is not who i want to be. That person that looked back at me in the mirror for so many years is starting to fade away, and grow into someone that isn't a total bad human. I hope. college, moving, marriage, babies, love, jobs, hobbies, everything is now in question for "how can i improve this so i'm not such a horrible person.?". So far, I have no idea.
I've found myself obsessing over things that i know is never going to change because it hasn't yet, i've been kicking myself and putting myself down because i didn't understand why these people do what they do and did what they did, and hid it, and lied and everything else. finally i just broke down and accepted the fact that people are selfish. relationships are hard. life is -hard-, everyone has a hard time with something or someone, or a habbit, or whatever.
at the end of the day, i just want to come home to loving arms, be held and told that i'm not always such a bad person, that there is -something- good about my soul. at the end of the day, i want to be held, and kissed, and hugged, adored, and i want someone to want me as much as i want them. i'm pretty damn close to that, so fucking it up is not and option. it never should have been.
-j-
i wish billy was home, this is my only chance at a day off for this week and i'm bored and alone with the cats and a dog, who thought it would be awesome to piss in the floor as i was on my way to get his leash to take him out this morning. no work today, the water-mane close to work is busted, so we're on call until 7, if we don't hear from them by 7 we're off for the night, paid of course, but we loose our one day off this week friday. so if we go back to work tonight i will work... sun, mon, tues, wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, wed... and hopefully not thurs, or fri. but with that place i might as well just have no plans for any sort of life.I just want to have some control over my life, i don't at all. i work when they tell me to, i go where i'm told, i sleep when he's sleepy, i spend my time to myself wondering when i'll get to be in control of some part of my life. i mean, i suppose i do have control over somethings, but right now it seems as if i'm a puppet and everyone is screaming "dance".
you know that American dream i was talking about... how i don't want a part of it? nothing has changed, but i wonder how long the people who have had their American dream have been puppets and danced for their few years of bliss and happiness? Maybe i have this all wrong in general, maybe no one has gotten the American dream and just say they do because it makes them feel better. Or maybe the American dream is just that, a dream that Americans have because they hate life too.
I can't think.
-j-
I'm starting to wonder if i'm just one of those people who won't ever just be happy with her life. I wonder if i'll always make some reason not to do something because i don't know if it'll make me happy. That's why i haven't gone to college, i don't want to go and invest 4 or 5 years into something, get out there in the work force and fucking hate it. who wants that? i don't really even want the American dream, cause it seems that everyone who has the American dream ends up hating life and killing themselves (literally or metaphorically). So I've been thinking a lot about change, and how I can change my life to be a happier person in general. So far to change, you have to take a step into the unknown, i've never really been good about the unknown, as far as life goes. I've taken the steps into the unknown for personal bullshit i want to party and have a good time no matter who I hurt along the way, and that is not who i want to be. That person that looked back at me in the mirror for so many years is starting to fade away, and grow into someone that isn't a total bad human. I hope. college, moving, marriage, babies, love, jobs, hobbies, everything is now in question for "how can i improve this so i'm not such a horrible person.?". So far, I have no idea.
I've found myself obsessing over things that i know is never going to change because it hasn't yet, i've been kicking myself and putting myself down because i didn't understand why these people do what they do and did what they did, and hid it, and lied and everything else. finally i just broke down and accepted the fact that people are selfish. relationships are hard. life is -hard-, everyone has a hard time with something or someone, or a habbit, or whatever.
at the end of the day, i just want to come home to loving arms, be held and told that i'm not always such a bad person, that there is -something- good about my soul. at the end of the day, i want to be held, and kissed, and hugged, adored, and i want someone to want me as much as i want them. i'm pretty damn close to that, so fucking it up is not and option. it never should have been.
-j-
i wish billy was home, this is my only chance at a day off for this week and i'm bored and alone with the cats and a dog, who thought it would be awesome to piss in the floor as i was on my way to get his leash to take him out this morning. no work today, the water-mane close to work is busted, so we're on call until 7, if we don't hear from them by 7 we're off for the night, paid of course, but we loose our one day off this week friday. so if we go back to work tonight i will work... sun, mon, tues, wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, wed... and hopefully not thurs, or fri. but with that place i might as well just have no plans for any sort of life.I just want to have some control over my life, i don't at all. i work when they tell me to, i go where i'm told, i sleep when he's sleepy, i spend my time to myself wondering when i'll get to be in control of some part of my life. i mean, i suppose i do have control over somethings, but right now it seems as if i'm a puppet and everyone is screaming "dance".
you know that American dream i was talking about... how i don't want a part of it? nothing has changed, but i wonder how long the people who have had their American dream have been puppets and danced for their few years of bliss and happiness? Maybe i have this all wrong in general, maybe no one has gotten the American dream and just say they do because it makes them feel better. Or maybe the American dream is just that, a dream that Americans have because they hate life too.
I can't think.
-j-
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Dying is easy, it's living that is hard."
Now seems like as good as a time as any to blog about whatever is in my head... which trust me is a lot. Do you remember a time in your life when you were a strong soulful person, when sticks and stones hurt you but words would never? well, i do too, and i miss that honestly. Over the past few years i've evolved into this woman who acted on emotion alone, good emotion. Now, bad emotion controls my life, and that's a terrible feeling to have. to wake up and see the one cloud in the sky, instead of waking up and seeing the silver lining. Somehow, i can still find good in most people, but i've lost the good in myself. i'm mean. I didn't realize how mean i was, until i found out that i come with warning labels. Well, sorry, this jaded soul doesn't know how to keep her thoughts to herself.
I've been dealing with my "issues" better lately, i'm still too sensitive for my own liking, but when you're made of soft things it's hard to pretend to be a rock. I mean, at first... rock... yes I love being a fucking rock... being a rock is awesome. Then, you notice that the earth makes you move, and it cracks you and the water starts to soften you up, and you start to be washed away... so it's hard to stay a rock. You turn into sand, and if your lucky you turn into a special kind of sand that is strong and beautiful and people want you, and you go to them, and you start to trust these people... then they throw you into a fire... and start rolling you around and blowing you... and the next thing you know... you're a glass. a drinking glass, one that people pay a lot of money for, but you still are a glass that people use, and drop, and put in a dishwasher because they don't care enough for you to hand-wash you. Do you know how hard it is to stop being a glass and turn back into a rock? i don't think that process has been proven by science yet, i hope they get on the glass into rock technology because i could really use it.
today, i've been called a heartless bitch, i've been called a whore, i've been called ugly, and i've been told that things only get better for a while before they go back to shit. In the response to being a heartless bitch- "better me than you", the response to being a whore- none yet stated, the response to being called ugly- "I'm not ugly, but i know at least i'm decent looking.". and my response to things will all go back to shit, that it's just a temporary solution is- "fuck you, what do you know?".
I apparently have to deal with who i am, well no shit! Yeah i have to face my choices on a daily basis, yes i have to look my old self in the eyes everyday as i brush my teeth, but the wonderful thing about that is, everyday, i look and see someone i like more and more everyday. it's not always a huge difference, sometimes i look at myself and see myself take a step back into my old self. But, the thing about hating your old self is... that you no longer want to be your old self... so you flight and you claw so that, you, just don't have to see that same look in your eyes day by day.
as for the cheating and the being a bad girlfriend, you know, when all has been forgiven and both parties still want to make things good and wonderful and there is so much love that sometimes your soul burns, well then, maybe you can start forgiving yourself for bad choices. and when being a bad girlfriend is on the line, chances are, you know what makes you so terrible, and if they can talk to you about it and you can listen and absorb everything in without tears then you can change for the better. Tears, they cloud and burn, they cloud your vision, and the burn your eyes and your soul. if your eyes burn, so does your soul.
I'm not the best human on the earth, not by leaps and bounds, but i have a boyfriend who even after all i've put him though loves me enough to be up front and honest with me about everything (well almost everything... everyone has secrets) so i can't be all bad now can i? he kisses me no matter my face, my breast size, or how fat i may or may not be. i might be a daughter of the devil, but i was raised by angels... so the fight is never even or fair... but at least i put up one.
Sorry if this was all over the place... but i'm... all over the place.
-J-
(yes i know it's not a movie quote.... comment comment comment.)
I've been dealing with my "issues" better lately, i'm still too sensitive for my own liking, but when you're made of soft things it's hard to pretend to be a rock. I mean, at first... rock... yes I love being a fucking rock... being a rock is awesome. Then, you notice that the earth makes you move, and it cracks you and the water starts to soften you up, and you start to be washed away... so it's hard to stay a rock. You turn into sand, and if your lucky you turn into a special kind of sand that is strong and beautiful and people want you, and you go to them, and you start to trust these people... then they throw you into a fire... and start rolling you around and blowing you... and the next thing you know... you're a glass. a drinking glass, one that people pay a lot of money for, but you still are a glass that people use, and drop, and put in a dishwasher because they don't care enough for you to hand-wash you. Do you know how hard it is to stop being a glass and turn back into a rock? i don't think that process has been proven by science yet, i hope they get on the glass into rock technology because i could really use it.
today, i've been called a heartless bitch, i've been called a whore, i've been called ugly, and i've been told that things only get better for a while before they go back to shit. In the response to being a heartless bitch- "better me than you", the response to being a whore- none yet stated, the response to being called ugly- "I'm not ugly, but i know at least i'm decent looking.". and my response to things will all go back to shit, that it's just a temporary solution is- "fuck you, what do you know?".
I apparently have to deal with who i am, well no shit! Yeah i have to face my choices on a daily basis, yes i have to look my old self in the eyes everyday as i brush my teeth, but the wonderful thing about that is, everyday, i look and see someone i like more and more everyday. it's not always a huge difference, sometimes i look at myself and see myself take a step back into my old self. But, the thing about hating your old self is... that you no longer want to be your old self... so you flight and you claw so that, you, just don't have to see that same look in your eyes day by day.
as for the cheating and the being a bad girlfriend, you know, when all has been forgiven and both parties still want to make things good and wonderful and there is so much love that sometimes your soul burns, well then, maybe you can start forgiving yourself for bad choices. and when being a bad girlfriend is on the line, chances are, you know what makes you so terrible, and if they can talk to you about it and you can listen and absorb everything in without tears then you can change for the better. Tears, they cloud and burn, they cloud your vision, and the burn your eyes and your soul. if your eyes burn, so does your soul.
I'm not the best human on the earth, not by leaps and bounds, but i have a boyfriend who even after all i've put him though loves me enough to be up front and honest with me about everything (well almost everything... everyone has secrets) so i can't be all bad now can i? he kisses me no matter my face, my breast size, or how fat i may or may not be. i might be a daughter of the devil, but i was raised by angels... so the fight is never even or fair... but at least i put up one.
Sorry if this was all over the place... but i'm... all over the place.
-J-
(yes i know it's not a movie quote.... comment comment comment.)
Monday, May 24, 2010
"I talked to God, she said 'yo, what's up?'"
I know i've been slacking on the blogging front, work has been crazy, and it looks like it's going to be a 50 hour week this week. So this little update, is just that... little. There has a been a lot of personal things going on that I in respect of others have decided to leave out of a public blog and have been writing in my personal journal. So, sorry about that, there is still a band review i've been working on for this blog though... so you have that to look forward to.
Other than that, I need to go to work and hate life for 10 hours.
-J-
Other than that, I need to go to work and hate life for 10 hours.
-J-
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"i drink your milkshake"
The dreams have started again, and there is nothing i can do about it. the fears and the things i hate that i've been working so hard on forgetting and ignoring are back and are getting worse. a little bit different content this time, it's all about lies and actions that hurt me, and the most fucked up thing about it is, i'm not sure if it's just in my dreams or if my mind is picking up on something. it sucks, it hurts and i don't like it. now i have to go to work and pray we're busy enough to keep my mind off of it all. i hope we're busy enough that when i get home everything will be out of my head and i won't have to feel this anymore.
my self esteem is crashing and burning, and i don't know why. i talked to a good friend about it yesterday via text, and she asked a question that i've mentioned in the blog, and since she asked it, that's all i can think about. i've been a good girl, no snooping, no cheating, not even thinking about cheating on him, i wouldn't do that again. but that makes me wonder where the line between cheating and not cheating. now, that sounds like i'm trying to figure out the line for myself, which isn't the case what so ever. but as i've been thinking about it, i think it's drawn when one of the two people in the relationship is a) hurt by actions and b) when lying comes into play. i don't know how many more dreams i can take of this before i just decide to never sleep, or how many dreams i can take until i crack and say something stupid and hurtful.
this is by far one of the worst feelings i've ever had. i want it gone, and i want to be happy through and though, because no matter of the pain i've caused to people in my life, i deserve to be happy and have a clear mind. i wonder if i'll ever stop punishing myself. i wonder if we'll ever be okay. cause, honestly sometimes i'm not so sure.
-j-
my self esteem is crashing and burning, and i don't know why. i talked to a good friend about it yesterday via text, and she asked a question that i've mentioned in the blog, and since she asked it, that's all i can think about. i've been a good girl, no snooping, no cheating, not even thinking about cheating on him, i wouldn't do that again. but that makes me wonder where the line between cheating and not cheating. now, that sounds like i'm trying to figure out the line for myself, which isn't the case what so ever. but as i've been thinking about it, i think it's drawn when one of the two people in the relationship is a) hurt by actions and b) when lying comes into play. i don't know how many more dreams i can take of this before i just decide to never sleep, or how many dreams i can take until i crack and say something stupid and hurtful.
this is by far one of the worst feelings i've ever had. i want it gone, and i want to be happy through and though, because no matter of the pain i've caused to people in my life, i deserve to be happy and have a clear mind. i wonder if i'll ever stop punishing myself. i wonder if we'll ever be okay. cause, honestly sometimes i'm not so sure.
-j-
Thursday, May 13, 2010
"who you callin' scruffy?!"
adventures at the laundry mat. i like to do my laundry in peace, sit, text, blog a bit... generally keep myself entertained... but that wasn't in the cards today. Toddlers! not regular toddlers but unbehaved mexican't toddlers. i... am -not- actually racist... i think that some cultures need a rebooting in order to fix their dirty name, but that means america too. so i hate everyone no matter of skin color. if you're white and ket your kids try to steal my bra at a laundry mat, it would be the same blog. if your kid is being a jerk in public... beat the snot out of your kid and see if next time they aren't better behaved. i'm just sezzin.
for the rest of the day i still have a bit to do, get ready go eat lunch with billie, hang out with kate, clean up the apartment a little bit, perhaps grab some shit to take to billys... dunno yet. all i know is, i'm fucking sleepy and it looks like there isn't time for a nap. i hope these clothes dry quickly.
laundry mats and i have a love hate relationship. they're too expensive, yet you can do like 90000000.8 loads at once so it saves you time. personally, i would rather spend 20 bucks and an hour and a half at a laundry mat then hardly any money and spend all day doing it. you know, it's not soically acceptable to wear dirty clothes all the time and small unless your favorite band is phish and the highlight of your year is seeing them at bonaroo. that's why they're called "dirty hippies". do i personally have any problem with said "dirty hippies"? no, except when they let me smoke their kind bud and make me listen to radiohead, phish and other terrible dirty hippie jam bands. i hate jam bands period... but jam bands stoned has to be the worst thing ever. seriously, time slows down while stoned anyway a bad 18 minute song sounds like a worse 1899990 minute song stoned. no thank you i want zero part of it.
spin spin spin the laundry goes in circles over and over amd over. boooooring.
-j-
for the rest of the day i still have a bit to do, get ready go eat lunch with billie, hang out with kate, clean up the apartment a little bit, perhaps grab some shit to take to billys... dunno yet. all i know is, i'm fucking sleepy and it looks like there isn't time for a nap. i hope these clothes dry quickly.
laundry mats and i have a love hate relationship. they're too expensive, yet you can do like 90000000.8 loads at once so it saves you time. personally, i would rather spend 20 bucks and an hour and a half at a laundry mat then hardly any money and spend all day doing it. you know, it's not soically acceptable to wear dirty clothes all the time and small unless your favorite band is phish and the highlight of your year is seeing them at bonaroo. that's why they're called "dirty hippies". do i personally have any problem with said "dirty hippies"? no, except when they let me smoke their kind bud and make me listen to radiohead, phish and other terrible dirty hippie jam bands. i hate jam bands period... but jam bands stoned has to be the worst thing ever. seriously, time slows down while stoned anyway a bad 18 minute song sounds like a worse 1899990 minute song stoned. no thank you i want zero part of it.
spin spin spin the laundry goes in circles over and over amd over. boooooring.
-j-
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
"i said you can have a snack not the whole kitchen"
why yes random group of people i would love for you to sit at my table outside and totally ignore me. and by that i mean get the fuck away, if i wanted to sit with people i would have -sat- with people. so awesome thanks for the uncomfortableness.. fuck off assholes.
i'm actually in a good mood, you probably can't tell from the first paragraph for my last blog. but i've decided to take this session of spring blues and shove it up it's own dull ass. i'm a fun gal, i'm a -funny- gal. i have a shread of self confidence and self worth and i'm going to quit shoving it down because others don't validate me. well you know what? i don't need your validation... "if you know you're the shit, then you're the shit to you." never in a million years did i think i would take advice from katt williams. homie has a point though.
it's time, no more walking with my shoulders slumped and my head down, i've always been trampled on, but no longer. billy had the devil take over his life to do some house cleaning and maybe i need to do the same thing. take a page out of his book and get back to the jess that -i- love. because this jess -i- hate. the jess -i- love is strong but doesn't have a cold dead heart, the jess -i- love cries and allows herself to cry and feel. the jess -i- love can take a joke and fire one back that is 10times more wity and hilarious than yours. the jess -i- love paints. writes, learns, takes pictures and strives to be a better human being. so that's the jess that's going to be around from now on. if you don't like it... fuck off i don't need you "aint shit niggas".
i woke up feeling refreshed like i'm a whole new me. and goddamnit i'm running with it.
there is no try with this... there is only do... fuck there isn't even a do not. eat a dick haters.... jess that -i- love is here. and it's about to be a good time.
-j-
i'm actually in a good mood, you probably can't tell from the first paragraph for my last blog. but i've decided to take this session of spring blues and shove it up it's own dull ass. i'm a fun gal, i'm a -funny- gal. i have a shread of self confidence and self worth and i'm going to quit shoving it down because others don't validate me. well you know what? i don't need your validation... "if you know you're the shit, then you're the shit to you." never in a million years did i think i would take advice from katt williams. homie has a point though.
it's time, no more walking with my shoulders slumped and my head down, i've always been trampled on, but no longer. billy had the devil take over his life to do some house cleaning and maybe i need to do the same thing. take a page out of his book and get back to the jess that -i- love. because this jess -i- hate. the jess -i- love is strong but doesn't have a cold dead heart, the jess -i- love cries and allows herself to cry and feel. the jess -i- love can take a joke and fire one back that is 10times more wity and hilarious than yours. the jess -i- love paints. writes, learns, takes pictures and strives to be a better human being. so that's the jess that's going to be around from now on. if you don't like it... fuck off i don't need you "aint shit niggas".
i woke up feeling refreshed like i'm a whole new me. and goddamnit i'm running with it.
there is no try with this... there is only do... fuck there isn't even a do not. eat a dick haters.... jess that -i- love is here. and it's about to be a good time.
-j-
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