"Meet me in Montauk"

This is going to be last blog from the discomfort of Tennessee, so it might end up being a doozy, or it might end up being nothing of any importance at all. I guess it all depends on how you take it, or how far you read, either way it's all up to you.

There as been an on going battle of self worth with myself here, and it's been going on for years, as long as I can remember as a matter of fact. I've never really been a mentally sound person, I've gone to war with myself more than once, and have lost more than once to my own personal demons. I've caved to the pressures of friends and what I thought would be okay. I suppose people really do lead by example, and following those people got me into a lot of shit that haunts me to this day. So I've decided to sign a contract of peace with myself, to not bow down to those demons that have made me the cold-hearted person that I've striven to be for so long. In the fine print of this contract I've made rules to satisfy myself in healthy ways, in creative ways, and not bloody self-destructive ways. I've added in christian elements to keep my head on my shoulders and to treat people well no matter how big it makes me feel to treat them badly. I don't want to come with a warning label of "she'll say mean shit to you.". I want to step out of the shadow that people have thrown me under, the shadow of  everyone else, that tried so hard to be a friend and forgot the most important part of being a friend... which is plan and simple... talking for other reasons than you just need something. There is a world outside of a bar, outside of a pipe, outside of a pool table and karaoke. That's the world I want to be apart of, the world where friends get together and bullshit and talk about important things and not just what happened at the pub last night. Or how much it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back, or how guilty you feel for cheating on your boy/girlfriend but it just had to be done for whatever reason. I don't mean to be on a soapbox or sound like I'm any better than you or you friends, because I'm not, I have no box of soap and we all know I've done my fair share of cheating. But I have come to a point in my life where I want to grow up and be a good person, because if I don't do it now, I fear I never will.

Packing up all of this stuff yet again and moving far away isn't going to be the answer to all of my problems or any of them, but it feels so empowering to be shadow stepping. There is a list of things a mile long that I want to do now, and there isn't any fear to stop me. There aren't going to be people that I know standing there to judge me and talk behind my back. I'm gonna try to start writing again, I already have a little bit, it's not wonderful and it probably really sucks but I'm proud that I even wrote it. I plan on painting again, a lot, taking pictures, and maybe just maybe talking Billy and whoever else into giving me a shot to be the front girl I've always dreamed of being. I've prepared myself for the answer of "no" or "you're not good enough" and that's fine, but I feel like I can actually try it now, without looking across the room and seeing the person with the actual talent rolling his eyes. Which by the way the actual talent seemed to be nothing but a flashy show of copy and paste. Zero respect for that.

I'm trying my hardest not to call people out on what I believe are huge mistakes in their lives, but I'm going to listen to that angel sitting on my shoulder and remember that I'm no better than them, and that I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. I know I've stated over and over again that there is a new Jess on the up-rise but I've never actually put her in the game, well moving to a new place where only one person -really- knows me seems like the best chance to put old Jess on the bench and bring new Jess out for a few seasons.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm going to be close to having a full family. Moving there and being a family with Billy and his is something I'm really looking forward to. Corey is already like a little brother to me, and this time I actually get to be a part of the family. Maybe not by blood (but hell I've never had that anyway) and not legally (yet xD) but still. I hope I can be a good "sister-in-law" to him, and he knows that he can come to billy and I for any reason day and night. I'm excited about getting to know the people Billy has called his "brothers" for so long, and I hope they embrace me the way that they've embraced him.

There are a lot of hopes and dreams that I have for the future, and they've never looked brighter. I'm not scared for Billy and I's relationship, we've worked very hard on so many things, and this is just going to make us stronger so no fear there. Thank God.

-J-

"You, can't handle the truth"

The woods fly by my face as if I'm standing still and they are the things moving. I keep looking for those two eyes  standing out hidden in the trunks and the brush holding a bottle of wine with the year 2000 dripping of my bloods innocence. He's the one that haunts my dreams, the one that snuck me in the door, the one that handed me, my own guilt in a glass and filled his with the last breath of humanity i had. He smiled and said words that made me think i was queen of the world, and always would be, said the words... all the words. But his actions screamed differently, they turned my white cloak into black, they turned my fearless smile into a fearful smile. I was made to be the filthy one, in the wrong, the one who should have known better. The one left crying and screaming at her home. He grew wings, changed his name and face the next day in his own place. He still stands with a mouse trap in his two hands to attack and break down, the next innocent girl's smile into a real heart wrenching frown. When I stare into the woods flying by now, my fear of the man with the red shirt is in the back of my mind, the man with the mouse trap, the camera, and the wine... he's the one that keeps me awake at night. He's the one that turned me into such the sad clown.

I wrote this via text to myself on the longest car ride I've had to date. It was like... I spent the last few days in a dream where I could be myself and leave things behind. Where I wasn't in someone's shadow, where I had my own shadow, and thoughts and opinions and people they listened. And I had to drive back to this hell, where I'm always in someone's shadow, always being watched, never valued, never independent, and -never- free of my past. We're going to make the best of it, as long as we have to, but i promise you, I'll shadow step, and you won't know exactly what hit you. Because, this place has stolen enough life, breathe and enough soul from me, and I want it back. So fuck you Murfreesboro TN, first chance we get... we're out. There won't be any goodbyes or parties because none of you really care enough to send a simple "how the hell are ya?" text so you won't care where we go. Just know, one day, when you need me or billy the most (often like we've needed you) we won't be there (often like how you weren't for us).

-j-

"luke i am your father"

when you're told things about yourself from someone that doesn't even know you, it hurts more than you ever expected. when the path to loosing respect for someone is clear and paved you walk down it just too see how long the road to zero respect is. when you thought you'd reached the end of the road, you realize you just were looking at the top of the hill, on the other side there is more road. it's one thing when you're told something by someone who -could- have been a part of your life. it's another thing when someone who -is- a major part of your life is told by someone major in -their- life it makes you angry. it makes you want to yell and scream and shake them and ask them if they only fucking knew what they were doing. too selfish to have kids, some of that maybe true (i often am a selfish little bitch) but at least i know that and didn't wait til i had a kid to fucking realize it.

we're not the selfish ones, cause if we -did- have kids we would give them more than we had for ourselves, because when you have kids you want to give them the life you never had. not have the life you want and fucking bail.


-J-

"Do you happen to have six fingers on your right hand"

there is a point in time where you sit back and think to yourself... something has to change, something has to give to pave the way for happiness. I am currently putting my happiness on hold for good reasons, 1) i need a job, period. 2) you don't always get what you want (but if you try sometimes you might just find you get what you need) 3) i'm not entirely too sure what makes me through and though happy. I know aspects of my life that make me happy, billy and whatnot, but not totally.

I'm starting to wonder if i'm just one of those people who won't ever just be happy with her life. I wonder if i'll always make some reason not to do something because i don't know if it'll make me happy. That's why i haven't gone to college, i don't want to go and invest 4 or 5 years into something, get out there in the work force and fucking hate it. who wants that? i don't really even want the American dream, cause it seems that everyone who has the American dream ends up hating life and killing themselves (literally or metaphorically). So I've been thinking a lot about change, and how I can change my life to be a happier person in general. So far to change, you have to take a step into the unknown, i've never really been good about the unknown, as far as life goes. I've taken the steps into the unknown for personal bullshit i want to party and have a good time no matter who I hurt along the way, and that is not who i want to be. That person that looked back at me in the mirror for so many years is starting to fade away, and grow into someone that isn't a total bad human. I hope. college, moving, marriage, babies, love, jobs, hobbies, everything is now in question for "how can i improve this so i'm not such a horrible person.?". So far, I have no idea.

I've found myself obsessing over things that i know is never going to change because it hasn't yet, i've been kicking myself and putting myself down because i didn't understand why these people do what they do and did what they did, and hid it, and lied and everything else. finally i just broke down and accepted the fact that people are selfish. relationships are hard. life is -hard-, everyone has a hard time with something or someone, or a habbit, or whatever.

at the end of the day, i just want to come home to loving arms, be held and told that i'm not always such a bad person, that there is -something- good about my soul. at the end of the day, i want to be held, and kissed, and hugged, adored, and i want someone to want me as much as i want them. i'm pretty damn close to that, so fucking it up is not and option. it never should have been.

-j-

i wish billy was home, this is my only chance at a day off for this week and i'm bored and alone with the cats and a dog, who thought it would be awesome to piss in the floor as i was on my way to get his leash to take him out this morning. no work today, the water-mane close to work is busted, so we're on call until 7, if we don't hear from them by 7 we're off for the night, paid of course, but we loose our one day off this week friday. so if we go back to work tonight i will work... sun, mon, tues, wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, wed... and hopefully not thurs, or fri. but with that place i might as well just have no plans for any sort of life.I just want to have some control over my life, i don't at all. i work when they tell me to, i go where i'm told, i sleep when he's sleepy, i spend my time to myself wondering when i'll get to be in control of some part of my life. i mean, i suppose i do have control over somethings, but right now it seems as if i'm a puppet and everyone is screaming "dance".

you know that American dream i was talking about... how i don't want a part of it? nothing has changed, but i wonder how long the people who have had their American dream have been puppets and danced for their few years of bliss and happiness? Maybe i have this all wrong in general, maybe no one has gotten the American dream and just say they do because it makes them feel better. Or maybe the American dream is just that, a dream that Americans have because they hate life too.

I can't think.

-j-

"Dying is easy, it's living that is hard."

Now seems like as good as a time as any to blog about whatever is in my head... which trust me is a lot. Do you remember a time in your life when you were a strong soulful person, when sticks and stones hurt you but words would never? well, i do too, and i miss that honestly. Over the past few years i've evolved into this woman who acted on emotion alone, good emotion. Now, bad emotion controls my life, and that's a terrible feeling to have. to wake up and see the one cloud in the sky, instead of waking up and seeing the silver lining. Somehow, i can still find good in most people, but i've lost the good in myself. i'm mean. I didn't realize how mean i was, until i found out that i come with warning labels. Well, sorry, this jaded soul doesn't know how to keep her thoughts to herself.

I've been dealing with my "issues" better lately, i'm still too sensitive for my own liking, but when you're made of soft things it's hard to pretend to be a rock. I mean, at first... rock... yes I love being a fucking rock... being a rock is awesome. Then, you notice that the earth makes you move, and it cracks you and the water starts to soften you up, and you start to be washed away... so it's hard to stay a rock. You  turn into sand, and if your lucky you turn into a special kind of sand that is strong and beautiful and people want you, and you go to them, and you start to trust these people... then they throw you into a fire... and start rolling you around and blowing you... and the next thing you know... you're a glass. a drinking glass, one that people pay a lot of money for, but you still are a glass that people use, and drop, and put in a dishwasher because they don't care enough for you to hand-wash you. Do you know how hard it is to stop being a glass and turn back into a rock? i don't think that process has been proven by science yet, i hope they get on the glass into rock technology because i could really use it.

today, i've been called a heartless bitch, i've been called a whore, i've been called ugly, and i've been told that things only get better for a while before they go back to shit. In the response to being a heartless bitch- "better me than you", the response to being a whore- none yet stated, the response to being called ugly- "I'm not ugly, but i know at least i'm decent looking.". and my response to things will all go back to shit, that it's just a temporary solution is- "fuck you, what do you know?".

I apparently have to deal with who i am, well no shit! Yeah i have to face my choices on a daily basis, yes i have to look my old self in the eyes everyday as i brush my teeth, but the wonderful thing about that is, everyday, i look and see someone i like more and more everyday. it's not always a huge difference, sometimes i look at myself and see myself take a step back into my old self. But, the thing about hating your old self is... that you no longer want to be your old self... so you flight and you claw so that, you, just don't have to see that same look in your eyes day by day.

as for the cheating and the being a bad girlfriend, you know, when all has been forgiven and both parties still want to make things good and wonderful and there is so much love that sometimes your soul burns, well then, maybe you can start forgiving yourself for bad choices. and when being a bad girlfriend is on the line, chances are, you know what makes you so terrible, and if they can talk to you about it and you can listen and absorb everything in without tears then you can change for the better. Tears, they cloud and burn, they cloud your vision, and the burn your eyes and your soul. if your eyes burn, so does your soul.

I'm not the best human on the earth, not by leaps and bounds, but i have a boyfriend who even after all i've put him though loves me enough to be up front and honest with me about everything (well almost everything... everyone has secrets) so i can't be all  bad now can i? he kisses me no matter my face, my breast size, or how fat i may or may not be. i might be a daughter of the devil, but i was raised by angels... so the fight is never even or fair... but at least i put up one.

Sorry if this was all over the place... but i'm... all over the place.

-J-

(yes i know it's not a movie quote.... comment comment comment.)

"I talked to God, she said 'yo, what's up?'"

I know i've been slacking on the blogging front, work has been crazy, and it looks like it's going to be a 50 hour week this week. So this little update, is just that... little. There has a been a lot of personal things going on that I in respect of others have decided to leave out of a public blog and have been writing in my personal journal. So, sorry about that, there is still a band review i've been working on for this blog though... so you have that to look forward to.

Other  than that, I need to go to work and hate life for 10 hours.

-J-

"i drink your milkshake"

The dreams have started again, and there is nothing i can do about it. the fears and the things i hate that i've been working so hard on forgetting and ignoring are back and are getting worse. a little bit different content this time, it's all about lies and actions that hurt me, and the most fucked up thing about it is, i'm not sure if it's just in my dreams or if my mind is picking up on something. it sucks, it hurts and i don't like it. now i have to go to work and pray we're busy enough to keep my mind off of it all. i hope we're busy enough that when i get home everything will be out of my head and i won't have to feel this anymore.

my self esteem is crashing and burning, and i don't know why. i talked to a good friend about it yesterday via text, and she asked a question that i've mentioned in the blog, and since she asked it, that's all i can think about. i've been a good girl, no snooping, no cheating, not even thinking about cheating on him, i wouldn't do that again. but that makes me wonder where the line between cheating and not cheating. now, that sounds like i'm trying to figure out the line for myself, which isn't the case what so ever. but as i've been thinking about it, i think it's drawn when one of the two people in the relationship is a) hurt by actions and b) when lying comes into play. i don't know how many more dreams i can take of this before i just decide to never sleep, or how many dreams i can take until i crack and say something stupid and hurtful.

this is by far one of the worst feelings i've ever had. i want it gone, and i want to be happy through and though, because no matter of the pain i've caused to people in my life, i deserve to be happy and have a clear mind. i wonder if i'll ever stop punishing myself. i wonder if we'll ever be okay. cause, honestly sometimes i'm not so sure.

-j-